A mum-of-three has told how she tackled her children's “meltdowns" by scrapping her “authoritarian" parenting style – instead letting them ditch school and decide for themselves what to eat and when to sleep.
Discovering that a rigid routine did not work well with her “spirited" eldest George, eight, Nic Bescoby, 30, now swears by 'unschooling'– where children learn only what they want to, rather than following a set curriculum.
The blogger from Manchester, who studied childcare at college, lets her kids pick what and when to eat, when to go to bed, and how to structure their days.
And Nic, who is also mum to Ellie, seven, and Aimee, six, insists her brood are creative, kind and love learning as a result of their bohemian upbringing.
She explained: “There is no schoolwork – it's mostly discussion. Children are naturally curious. They will ask questions, and we will offer them an answer, or research it together using the internet or books.
“I learn myself alongside them. For example, Aimee will ask me how something works, like the veins in her wrist, and we talk about that."
Nic explained: “They love to listen to me read classic literature, so we will read Shakespeare and Dickens together. At the moment, we're reading Percy Jackson, which is teaching us about Greek mythology.
“I respect them as people and as equals. I guide them and teach them – but we are still equals."
Nic, who co-parents her children with their father – her ex-husband, factory worker Kyle Dex, 32 – had a conventional upbringing herself, but found that attending a mainstream school took the joy out of learning.
He was a very spirited child and would have meltdowns. The punishment and reward system wasn't making either of us happy.
Nic Bescoby
Her early experiences with education were also marred by the fact that, growing up, she was bullied at school.
She added: “I had a fairly average upbringing. My mum was neither strict nor lenient, and I was educated at school. I found it killed any love of learning for me, because everything was forced."
Then, having learned about different styles of parenting whilst studying childcare at college, she decided to adopt an 'authoritarian' approach after George was born on April 21, 2011.
“I was taught a very linear punishment and reward type system, which I was using at first," she continued. “But I soon realised that wasn't going to work with George.
“He was a very spirited child and would have meltdowns. The punishment and reward system wasn't making either of us happy."
So, when George was around two and in nursery, Nic decided to change tack, having read up on 'gentle' parenting – a method based on mutual respect and willingness, rather than demands and rules, where a parent will offer guidance, but ultimately, children make their own decisions.
She recalled: “I noticed a difference immediately. I told George, 'You choose what you want to do,' and from then on, we weren't struggling anymore.
“Before, he'd have several meltdowns a day. He was losing it over everything we tried to control and getting frustrated with us telling him what to do – but we changed our methods and they reduced to just a couple a week."
George remained in nursery for just eight weeks, then Nic and Kyle agreed to remove him.
They usually go to sleep between 9pm and 1am. They have never gone to sleep on their own. I will sit with them and we will sing or listen to a podcast.
Nic Bescoby
She added: “We weren't happy with him being there. It felt wrong to have him away from the family."
Since then, George has not set foot in a mainstream school – and neither have his siblings.
Nic added: “We did try home-schooling where we focused on set topics, but this didn't really work, because we were missing out on things we wanted to learn. Then, we learned about unschooling online in parenting and home education groups."
Describing her family as being at the “extreme end" of unschooling, Nic said that the first drastic change made was to their daily routine – scrapping mealtimes and bedtimes.
“We allow the children to come to us when they are hungry," she explained. “I will leave snacks out for them to pick at, like breadsticks, bits of fruit and veg and sweets and chocolate if they wish, or if they want a meal, we will decide together what they are going to have, so it gives them control.
“We have taught them about food, what their bodies need and the different nutrients and will cook together."
She continued: “They usually go to sleep between 9pm and 1am. They have never gone to sleep on their own. I will sit with them and we will sing or listen to a podcast.
“I remember as a kid feeling sad waiting to fall asleep, or having a nightmare, and I never want them to feel like that. I want it to be this lovely, cosy experience for them.
“They fall into a natural rhythm and will sleep and wake when they want to. I'll only set an alarm if we have to be somewhere."
With no set bedtime either, the family spend the evening watching movies, reading books, doing arts and crafts, or learning.
Curiosity, rather than curriculums, dictate exactly what the children learn each day, and a lot of their education is very hands-on.
Nic continued: “As long as they are not breaching health and safety, they can do what they like. We love getting out in nature and spend a lot of time camping. We learn about foraging and different animals."
“George became interested in bushcraft and started making bowls from branches. He also likes trains and trams, so we went on a tour to find out how they – and electricity – work," Nic explained.
“He does a lot of video gaming, like Minecraft, so has learned how to type, read and write notes to his friends through that.
“We have never sat down and done a lesson on reading and writing. They are just picking it up. The girls' vocabulary is unbelievable."
She continued: “I can't imagine them being sat in a classroom. When I compare what they would have to do at school with what they do today, I realise it would never work for them."
When it comes to discipline, Nic believes that by having healthy discussions, rather than punishing her children, she will guide them towards making their own decisions.
If any family members are ever feeling frustrated, they will have “table time" where everyone gathers to discuss their issues.
The conventional thinking is that you have to tell children what to do otherwise they won't do it, but from my point of view, when you give them the information, they are good at processing that information and meeting their own needs.
Nic Bescoby
She said: “The conventional thinking is that you have to tell children what to do otherwise they won't do it, but from my point of view, when you give them the information, they are good at processing that information and meeting their own needs.
“I'm not perfect and will lose my temper but we do not do punishment, we try to do everything through discussion."
Hoping that she is raising three independent children who know their own minds, Nic also allows the children free reign over their appearance, letting them dye their hair or wear make-up if they want to.
Ellie, a creative soul, loves cosmetics and colouring her locks bright green, while Aimee previously insisted on wearing odd shoes for a year and a half.
“They like to decorate their clothes with paint," Nic said. “If they want to wear pyjamas in the daytime, they are allowed to. We have a single box of clothes and they can choose from there.
“As long as it's safe, the clothes are clean and weather appropriate then I don't mind. It's allowing them to be creative – and maybe they will grow up to be fashion designer."
You can't say have autonomy in one area and not another - although I can't see why they would choose formal education over the freedoms they have now,"
Nic Bescoby
Although she cannot see them wanting to, Nic would enrol the children into a mainstream school if they expressed a wish to go.
“You can't say have autonomy in one area and not another – although I can't see why they would choose formal education over the freedoms they have now," she said.
People do question her methods, but they are mostly just curious, or surprised that unschooling is legal.
Under current UK law, parents are permitted to teach their children at home, either full or part-time, and do not have to follow the national curriculum.
However, they must ensure their children are in full-time learning from the age of five, and councils can make informal inquiries to check that a suitable education is being given.
On one occasion, Nic was told by a stranger that her children “will never get on in life" unless she puts them into a mainstream school – but she disagrees, and has high aspirations for George, Ellie and Aimee.
Ellie is very musical and creative. She loves playing the drums, art, and writing. We're actually writing a young adult book together.
Nic Bescoby
She concluded: “George has already said he wants to take his GCSEs, and wants to take them early so he can do more learning.
“He is very scientifically-minded, and knows how everything works. He eventually wants to learn to code.
“Ellie is very musical and creative. She loves playing the drums, art, and writing. We're actually writing a young adult book together."
She added: “Aimee is still at that stage where everything is magical, so she's into make believe and creating scenarios with her toys.
“I want to teach them they can do anything they want to do. Success is dependent on each person's world view, so as long as the children themselves feel successful, I'm happy.
“The best thing is seeing how open-minded and kind they are. The main thing is to teach them how the world works, and kindness and empathy, which they have by the bucketload."
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