Flirtation can be a very confusing sport.
On you one hand, you want to get the attention of someone you're keen on getting to know better romantically.
On the other hand, you don't want to come off as a stalker and creepy.
Sometimes, your friendliness can also be interpreted as a come-on.
Subtlety is key, but then you don't want to send mixed messages either.
What's the right balance when it comes to sending the right signal to someone–whether it's being friendly or if you're on the prowl to find love?
The truth is, there's no handbook on how to successfully get someone's attention without them knowing your true intentions.
Curious to explore this from one gender's perspective, Redditor Bright-Dig-6665 asked:
"Guys, how do we know if you are flirting or just being friendly?"
So far, things are not off to a great start.
Getting Nowhere
"If it makes you feel better we have no clue either."
– Axeman1721
"So I'm confused, you're confused."
– OP
Just Having A Good Time
"Sometimes I'll just be interacting with girls and i find out later they took it as flirting. Like, I'm just making jokes and having a good time. I'm not trying to put out interest or anything."
– Funkeysismychildhood
Blockbuster Date
"The only time I've successfully 'picked up' a woman at work was entirely by accident."
"Back in the old days the only way to watch Battlestar Galactica was to rent it from a physical location, and they had a limit on how many DVDs you could rent at once. So I would go there every other day to rent the next episodes and binge them ASAP."
"The woman that worked there assumed I was just making an excuse to see her and gave me her number. She was definitely cute and we dated for a couple months, but I genuinely was just going in for battlestar Galactica and was too sleep-deprived and hyper-focused on the next episodes to even notice she was there until she started chatting me up."
– TheDrunkenMisandrist
Blunt Truth
"Man... I told a guy that I found him attractive the other day."
"Still no response, so I guess just saying it straight up doesn't work either 🙃"
– DecadeOfLurking
These gentlemen had no desire to get together with the ladies mentioned, yet, signals were misinterpreted.
Nervous Energy
"This happens quite a lot."
"When you are 'focused' on a woman, you often get nervous, you blush, you can't find the right words … while when you are not interested, you are funnier, more relaxed – therefore also more desirable by most potential partners."
– koi88
The Very First Time
"Lost my virginity in a similar 'by accident' fashion. First month of college, and I was staying after lectures at campus and studying with her. It was fun, and she was helpful. We sometimes had a beer or went for a walk round the campus for a break, but my only thought was that we had a good time and were productive. Next thing I know, we are kissing and going to her place. After the fact, some friends in class were saying that it was obvious that I was staying longer at campus just for her, but I honestly just wanted to get ahead at studies."
– Tommer53
Going Nowhere Fast
"I remember I had a girl who was just a supremely good friend one time. I loved talking to her because at the time she was one of the only girls I’d ever met who seemed to just genuinely enjoy my sense of humor. I could say whatever dumb thing that popped into my head and she would just die laughing. Never thought anything of it until about a year into the friendship she asked me if I was flirting with her. I told her I didn’t think so, but it completely changed the way I looked at our interactions together from that point on. After that I moved to a different part of the country but we kept talking like normal. Only now instead of a fun friendly banter it became an agonizingly slow build up of sexual tension.."
"To answer your question we have no f'king clue what we’re doing 99% of the time."
– sempercardinal57
Finally, some vague insight.
It's A Thin Line
"We're confused before, during and after it's happening too. I try and be friendly and polite with everyone and occasionally they will be attractive."
"I think it's only flirting if the woman starts it. Cause otherwise, for me at least it's far too thin a line between flirting and being a creep to a woman who's just having a conversation with a dude."
"Also, I personally suck at receiving signals so unless the flirting is comically animated I won't know what's going on."
– Elementium
Depends On Dating Status
"If we have a gf, it's probably not flirting. If we don't have a gf, it's probably flirting."
"Or in my case with my mates, we'll say the most sexual sh*t to each other as a joke with no sexual tension."
"So it's like asking, what flavour is a neutron star. Good luck."
– CrustyJuggIerz
All About Context
"I would say that the line between 'flirting' and not flirting is very blurred. Like there is context where youre definetly not flirting and context where youre definetly flirting. But there is also context where you arent really flirting but actually you kinda are."
"Like when you talk to the cute cashier, but you only talk about how you wanna pay in cash, but you make a small joke about it to make her smile. Thats kinda flirting, but is it really flirting? Lmao"
– notAgainFFS01
Be An Observer
"Compare how they act when they are around someone of opposite sex."
"I’m way more smiley and energetic when I’m chatting with someone I’m interested in."
– AtomicBlastCandy
I teed off a number of girls back in college, before I was out of the closet.
They mistook my friendliness for flirting.
I guess when you have amorous feelings for someone, you see what they want to see in the hopes of manifesting mutual admiration.
When that doesn't happen, resentment sets in.
It was very confusing when I was still figuring out my sexuality and having some of my closest female friends giving me the cold shoulder or losing touch with me altogether, all because I didn't respond in a way they were hoping.
My point is, I still have no clue how anyone can tell if I'm flirting or being friendly when I'm around them. No wonder I've become an introvert after so much social confusion post-college.
