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Can all your bad choices in life be blamed on alcohol?
That is what Redditor "fkditallup" might be wondering after he allowed someone other than his girlfriend to perform a sex act with him after a night of barhopping.
Making the situation worse was the person with whom he engaged in the carnal act.
Here is a hint: it was his first cousin.
In the TIFU (Today I F'd Up) subReddit, the original poster (OP) wrote about the atrocious incident that happened in his drunken stupor which made him ashamed and newly single.
"So, didn't happen today, but last weekend. Finally getting around to really processing it all and I guess trying to deal with it."
"Went out for drinks with my girlfriend and met up with my younger cousin at the bar. We'd all hung out once before and had a great time."
"My cousin invited a couple of her friends to the bar too; we did some barhopping. I got sh*tfaced pretty unintentionally (The last bar was, I swear, not putting any mixers in my cocktails, they were straight alcohol)."
"So anyway we're about to leave and my cousin's friends are trying to get her home, because she's sh*tfaced too. Well, my gf was our DD so we offered to let her stay in our spare room."
"Everyone was cool with that because who's safer than family, right?"
"Wrong."
"We get home and (I had to piece together some of this later because I blacked out for most of it) apparently initially everything was cool."
"My cousin went to the spare room and my gf got her situated. The problems started a little later when I, in my infinite wisdom, decided to walk straight out of my bedroom with my girlfriend in it, and into my cousin's room."
"I don't particularly remember much except for two details which I guess are not important to the story. Well, okay so one might be."
"I remember her giving me a very enthusiastic BJ, which, as you can imagine, makes a lot of noise."
"Apparently after a while my gf came out of the room wondering where I was because I just f'king disappeared."
"She didn't barge into the room or anything, but she heard the noises which is pretty f'king obvious. So at that point, she left. Like, me. She left me, and I don't blame her."
"Anyway that means I wake up the next morning, having blacked out, oblivious that my gf was gone already, but I'm f'king naked next to my naked cousin."
"There's cum all over the bed where her face was, she didn't even sleep with a pillow. There's obviously no hiding this but I'm still half-drunk and I went to try to go sneak back into my room, which I found empty. So yeah."
"I haven't heard from my gf all week, and I'm sure we're done, and I don't blame her."
"All I can hope for now is that this sh*t doesn't get out to my family, because I would probably implode."
"No, my cousin and I are not going to start hooking up regularly. It's actually super awkward and she has hardly said a word to me either. Again, I don't blame her."
So, yeah, the OP slept with his cousin, and now he is understandably stressed out.
Redditors did not have comforting words.
"If that story is true then r/TIFU is officially closed for business. You won." – numismatic_nightmare
"Usually in TIFU stories there is some shred of a defence explaining away what happened, but not this time." – Bozwell99
"Just start saving up to move far away from anyone who ever knew you." – ZenohOzai
"If my family finds out, I probably will move. Maybe even out of the country. Seriously. I couldn't handle a family reunion." – fkditallup
"As soon as I saw there was a girlfriend involved, I was really, really hoping this was just gonna be some weird threesome story where you ended up having the feels for your cousin, post-poke."
"But, nope...there is is. You left non-familial poonany and went and covered your first cousin with her second cousins."
"Yep...that's FU." – BigNinja96
"Welcome to the f'king Reddit hall of fame my dude. You're up there with the greats now. Don't forget your poop knife." – Blasphemiee
"I'm not trying to be a d*ck, but I think 'cheating on your girl with your first cousin' is something you don't come back from. Probably best to move on." – OpEng-HMA
The OP's graphic description made an indelible impression on this user.
"A cum chalk outline of some grisly murder. Jackson Pollock meets Keith Haring." – ohyeahwell
He also aroused some pity.
"Can agree, it's a an actual f'k up with real consequences and even though its literally all him and his cousins fault, I kinda feel bad for everyone at the same time."
"Like the ex is obvious, the cousin I feel bad for because hell, she was probably so wasted she saw c**k while horney and smashed, and I feel bad for him because its incredible how fast you can f'k your life up with one action." – KarmaChameleon89
This is more common than we think.
"My cousins f'ked in a similar fashion years ago. They were all drunk and thought it would be cool to have four people in the shower (girlfriends and boyfriends). They'd also turned out so the lights in the apartment (I dunno, drink logic?)."
"The boyfriend of my female cousin f'ked the girlfriend of my male cousin and the two cousins f'ked."
"How I know this? They came out with it and joked about it at Pop's wake. Nan was shocked but still laughed." – CephaloG0D
"While working at a restaurant, I stopped by to deliver an appetizer and as I arrived, a person at the table went, 'WELL AT LEAST I DIDNT F*CK MY SISTER.' and the rest of the party was silent; except for me going, 'Here's your fried pickles........Enjoy!'" – kenziroo
When asked if his cousin resembled his girlfriend in any way and confused him, the OP's explanation revealed he was coherent enough to know what he was doing.
"Yes, they are pretty similar, but I walked out of my room and into hers. I never sleep in the spare room. I had to have known what I was doing."
Is alcohol to blame?
"I mean, I have drunk with family members and not once in my black out drunkenness did I think to crawl into bed with them and molest their genitals." – MdotR
Here is the thing about blackouts.
"I've blacked out before and tried to fight my entire frat, if he was seriously that drunk he would have no idea what the f'k happened" – Threshorfeed
"At the other end of the spectrum, I've blacked out with friends and even they didn't know until I told them the next day I had zero recollection."
"Was able to hold my own and come off as normal buzzed (obviously not every time, just an example). Blacking out is a weird phenomenon." – G-III
There is no sugar coating it.
"I was hoping there was at least some silver lining for you. You've really f'd up." – Fidelis29
"And now you can't have sex with neither the GF or the cousin. Lose, lose situation there." – Gundini
Here is one major thing to consider.
"Buddy, the first thing you gotta do is talk to the cousin. The absolute f'king last thing you want is to not be on the same page and for there to be even a f'king sniff of an allegation that your forced your own cousin into this situation." – IHeartFraccing
The OP agreed and responded:
"This is a good point, if she gets scared or can't handle the reality of the situation, maybe she'll try to blame me."
"Sh*t, now I'm more worried about my ex telling my family > my cousin finds out > says I raped her to get out of blame. I mean I don't know her that well so i don't know how she would act in this situation."
"I remember enough to know that I didn't force myself on her, but that won't stop her from saying that i did to avoid responsibility."
He was encouraged not to abandon his family over this.
"You don't want to ghost your family. Talk to your cousin, write an email or text to your girlfriend accepting things are done, and pick your sh*t up and move on."
"Your life isn't over, we all make mistakes. You can stop drinking, and start over." – Sun_Of_Dorne
There was finally a sensible voice of reason among the snarky comments.
"Since I don't see very much adult advice on this feed, I'm going to give you my take: My honest advice is to take action and seek professional help."
"Like do it now, even if you think it's unnecessary. Talk to someone who can sort through your feelings and also advise you on how to deal with family problems which might arise."
"I might also suggest going to an AA meeting. Really work on yourself... hard... and you can find growth and strength through overcoming this psychologically horrible/traumatizing event."
"This could be your life's defining moment... Try to define it by tackling everything in a positive way, rather than letting the fallout define you. I wish you the best." – pipdubya
If there is any lesson to be learned, it is to drink responsibly.
Otherwise, the designated driver could leave you hung out to dry.