When it comes to weddings, the question of how much of the financial burden should be put on the parents of the bride or groom can be a tricky one.
Add some strained familial relationships to the mix, and it can be a recipe for disaster.
One dad, Redditor No_League_5985, recently encountered this issue with his soon-to-be-married daughter, so he turned to the subReddit "Am I the A**hole" (AITA) to see if he was in the wrong.
"AITA for not paying for my daughters wedding after she went no contact with me?"
The original poster (OP) explained the circumstances.
"I payed college tuition for all three of my kids (27f[emale], 29f, 32m[ale]) because I have the money and I wanted to."
"My older two studied Computer Science while my youngest one decided to study Fashion Design."
"I wasn't really supportive about the Fashion Design degree at first and tried to warn my daughter that the job prospects for it wouldn't be that great but she was insistent that, that was what she wanted to study so I paid approx. 60k for her to get her degree."
"However, afterwards she struggled finding a job in her field and the ones she did find didn't pay well so she came back to me and asked me to help her get another degree."
"I told her I could help her take out a loan but I wasn't paying and it caused a lot of problems between us and she went no contact. She ended up going to community college part time while working as a server with the help of her boyfriend."
"I helped my older two pay for their weddings and my youngest daughter recently got engaged. She started talking to me and her mom again and we were excited about the wedding."
"However, she started planning for things way out of her budget that her older sister/brother were able to have at their weddings. Her mom and I were worried that this wedding would not be good for her financially and decided to talk to her about it."
"My younger daughter told us she thought we would pay for most of it and was planning on having a high end wedding close to what my elder two had. My wife and I told her we were not going to drop 30k to pay for her wedding after she went years of no contact with us."
"Furthermore, my elder two paid for most of their own wedding, we just pitched in about 5k for each of them. They both make good money, well into the six-figure range."
"My younger one got super angry with us and complained how it wasn't fair that her siblings got better things than she did and said we were playing favorites."
"AITA for not paying for her wedding?"
Redditors weighed in on the situation by declaring:
- NTA – Not The A**hole
- YTA – You're The A**hole
- NAH – No A**holes Here
- ESH – Everyone Sucks Here
Most were skeptical of the daughter's intentions and declared the OP NTA.
"Unfortunately it sounds like she may have only tried to mend things so you'd foot the bill for her wedding. :/ NTA."—Amara_Undone
"I was thinking the same thing while reading this. She only got back in contact with op just before wedding planning to make it seem like she wanted a relationship but in reality she wanted a wedding she couldn't afford and op can."
"It's also pretty baffling to me that she just ASSUMED op was paying without even asking first. She thinks she's entitled to ops money."
"How does op know that she wouldn't go no contact again after the wedding? Or go no contact at any point in time when she asks op for money and op doesn't give it to her?"
"Hopefully if she ever has kids she doesn't use them also as pawns to get money. If op doesn't stop her entitlement now then who knows how far or how long this cycle will go on."—loaf1669
"'She thinks she is entitled to ops money'."
"This seems to be the crux."
"She may very well have had a broader reason for getting in contact though. Getting married tends to make one think of family, particularly when the guest list is being made."
"Her fiancé might have provided encouragement, and she might be thinking ahead about family support for her children. But ultimately, it still came with the old assumptions of money that caused her to go no contact in the first place."
"I think the bottom line is very telling 'it wasn't fair that her siblings got better things than she did'. She wants the same standard of living of her siblings and her parents, and wants her parents to bridge the shortfall."
"She is not acknowledging that her siblings have the capacity to continue a higher standard standard of living while she at the moment does not. She has some growing up to do."
"She might very well have some really lovely reasons to want to reconcile with her family, but she is going to have to come to terms with standing on her own two feet and being responsible for her choices at some point as it keeps getting in the way."
"Yea it looked pretty sketchy from what was said in the post as it seems she got engaged, proceeded to get back in touch with op and then ask them to pay for her wedding."
"Just doesn't quite sound right. NTA."—reemcgheeeee
They gave the OP lots of things to consider.
"Came here to say this, glad it's already been said. She's very transparently using you OP."
"Honestly might be time for YOU to cut HER off if she keeps leveraging contact with her for financial gain. NTA."—Gri69in
"NTA - you are being totally fair."
"Give her the 5k or whatever you spent on the other kids, and don't lose any sleep over it. If you do more than that, then you are not being fair to the older kids."—Kerri_23
"Exactly. It's not favoritism if you've contributed an equal amount to all three."
"If she cuts contact again because of this, it's probably because she initiated contacted solely for the purpose of funding her wedding anyway. Either way, NTA."—messyheart
"NTA - sounds like she only initiated contact due to wanting $ for wedding. I'd contribute the same $5k so that you continue to treat them equally."
"If the youngest can't deal with that's her problem. She sounds a bit self entitled. Keep doing what you are doing dad."—grngecko
"NTA - I think your daughter actually majored in entitlement in college. Too bad she can't get paid for that, she's a pro."
"You basically set 60k on fire and she wants more. That's just incredible."—idrow1
But there were at least a few who weren't so quick to give the OP a pass.
"Going a bit against the grain here but this seems like a very one sided POV of what happened, especially why your daughter went no contact here."
"So I'm gonna say ESH."
"You for reasons your daughter supposedly went no contact with you and your daughter for trying to rebuild the relationship for selfish reasons. Maybe introspect a bit and try to reconcile what is left of your relationship with her before you bring money into the equation."—BringOnTheCoffee
"This. Kids don't go no contact with their parents without good reason."
"It's never just about money. OP is most likely a jerk in some way, but didn't say how."—HeckinYes
Without any additional info from the OP, we'll likely never find out if there was more to his rift with his daughter.
Hopefully they don't let money be the thing that ultimately causes a more permanent divide between them.