For truly heartbreaking tales of awkwardness and woe, look no further than the subreddit "Today, I F***ed Up." A viral post from Wednesday, January 22, perfectly embodies the uncomfortable situations that so many find themselves in.
The story read:
"This happened Saturday night. My wife and I both frequent a relatively cheap "Asian massage" place that has a typical variety of reflexology, massages, etc. We've probably been to this place 50-60 times in 5 years. Every time is essentially exactly the same. We get our massage, pay $40 and tip after. My wife usually would to tip $10 each but over the years we've increased this to $20 because I feel like the people working there are obviously immigrants from China and probably living at that place and not making all that much money."
"Anyway, this Saturday evening I went solo as my wife was out of town and everything was the same except for the fact that out of the blue the massage girl started massaging my a** rather intrusively. Like, way too deep into the crack area and I'm on my stomach, don't speak Chinese, and her English is basically zero so um okay. I'm not a prude or anything but I'm also not a guy who has ever gotten happy endings so I'm like okay this is uncomfortable because my anus is being greased up and this is kinda weird no matter how you look at it but she's not jerking me off so I just wait out the probably 20-30 seconds of unwanted fondling. But then she returned to the region again with like knuckles first and I start to like clench my butt cheeks and seriously consider whether I'm going to get a finger (or worse) massaging my innards."
"Fondling stopped and she asked me to flip on to my back, which I did. At this point I notice that she's wearing this super skimpy bright red dress like she's at a night club. Bear in mind that up until this point I hadn't seen her. That's when I am thinking okay wait have I ever been here on a Saturday night before and did I just discover that our favourite cheap massage joint transforms into a shady rub and tug on Saturday nights? Uh oops?"
"After the usual head and neck massage she goes to my legs and starts to literally like rub her hands all the way into my crotch and make contact with my balls and naturally I pop a boner. But I'm like f*** this and said "no don't touch there" and she replies in some kind of awkward sexy voice like "oh baby don't worry I no touch big boy." Ah yeah aaaaawkward. But she then retreated her hands to my feet and rubbed my feet for like 10 minutes."
"Massage ends, my a** crack and balls are still greasy AF, like practically dripping in Chinese motor oil and I'm just puzzled and wondering why tonight after 5 years of this place being legit and totally not sexual is this happening."
"I walk out (with a greasy anus, it feels weird to walk) and this massage girl is standing there at the front desk with the customary cup of water and I take it without making eye contact then pay my $40 and give her the $20 tip and figure I'll just duck out and pretend nothing happened because I'm not in the mood to prolong this awkwardness. But then the massage girl literally looks at the $20 bill like it was a $1 bill and SCREAMS something in Chinese at which point the woman at the desk snaps back at her and points at the door that leads to the rooms for her to go back there. It was kind of the gesture you'd use if you were talking to a misbehaving dog."
"Then the desk lady says "oh she say most give her $50 or $60" and I'm just like "um I come here a lot and I always give $20" and then the lady says "it's okay next time you ask for susu you can give $50" and then I'm just doing that awkward mini bow to Asian people even though I'm not Asian thing as I nope the F out of there because I am thinking I need to find a new cheap massage place. I never even asked for susu!"
"Edit: Somebody paid me 250 coins and now I feel like an anal prostitute. Thanks reddit."
"TL;DR Got a greasy anus after an a** and ball rub that I didn't want and never asked for."
_Gzus threw some snark OP's way.
"So you finally found out why your wife tips 2X more than you?"
Buderus threw in a classic Danny DeVito reference.
"So anyway, I started blasting"
WelloThere was interested only in justice.
"Hehe, no but this story is just awful. Where did you say this place was? Like exact GPS coordinates. My friend works for the FBI and I'm gonna tell him to shut it down right away after I scope it out."
Sarcasm_Will_B_Great asked the question on everyone's minds.
"Are you going to tell your wife."
Sylvers suggested OP tell the truth right away.
"I would. It's kind of a silly thing, but it clearly unsettled the OP enough to want to vent about it. And then, if he decides to find a new massage place without having told her about this, he'll have to lie or mislead his wife about why he doesn't want to return here anymore. And then he'll probably find more reasons to lie to cover up the first lie."
"It's a wholly unnecessary minefield that is avoided by a simple conversation. Besides, any decent partner would just listen to the story, have a hearty laugh, and turn an awkward story into a fun inside-joke between husband and wife. Win win."
"Same. It's better to talk about it and laugh about it and be mutually horrified by it than to keep it a secret. Keeping it a secret makes it seem like OP did something wrong instead of just having an awkward experience."
StrughlingAthlete, the original poster, chimed back in to let everyone know his wife had been updated.
"Yeah I told her that I had to tell this gross feely woman to not touch me after she got all up in my s***. My wife said she remembered one of the girls actually had an expensive handbag at the front desk once and she knew then that they offered extra services."
"She also said she's had to tell some of the guys to back off the upper leg region and that even the girls graze her lady bits sometimes so now she usually wears underwear. It's not that we were oblivious to this sort of thing but usually any inappropriate touch was like a tiny graze or through the sheet and not even noteworthy. But I've never walked out with a greasy a**hole before, you know?"
HankHenrythefirst loved OP's storytelling style.
"You had me at 'practically dripping in Chinese motor oil'"
bananasatparties thinks visiting the massage parlor without your partner can make a big difference.
"I feel like this is pretty common, my partner never gets touched up when he shows up with me. But if he goes alone..."
Lyirthus gave us all some great advice for the future.
"Licensed Massage Therapist here."
"LPT: when going into a massage business, always look for the actual physical license placed conspicuously. It's usually framed and hung on the wall, or if it's a business with many MTs they will have them all in one place displayed as like a mini 'wall of Fame'"
"In my state it is illegal to not have your license displayed. Almost all states follow this rule. If I go somewhere and I don't see a license, I nope out real quick."
"Also massaging the genitalia is the biggest no-no, and should be reported to your states massage board."