A 27-year-old woman is choosing not to attend her younger sister's wedding since she dated her fiancé back in high school.
That relationship ended poorly.
The older sister had cheated on him during college, but it seems his parents are the ones holding a grudge against her after so many years.
While Redditor "ConsistentLibrarian9" and her ex-boyfriend have moved on and are on "friendly terms," she is convinced his parents will publicly humiliate and verbally abuse her at the wedding.
The Original Poster (OP) asked AITA (Am I the A**hole) for not attending the wedding, even though her sister assured her that the groom's parents would be on "good behavior."
"Yep so this is a mess," wrote the OP.
"Anyways my younger sister is getting married next May, engaged just a few weeks ago."
"She's coincidentally been dating my high school ex who I dated for 3 years between 18-20 (I'm 27 now). It was long enough ago that we're all on friendly terms and no one really finds it that strange anymore."
"My sis and her fiancé still live in our hometown of not that many people. I've moved away since I turned 21 and whenever I come home I basically only see my closest family and no one else."
"I don't have the best reputation with some of the older generations and I'm fully aware of this. This is important."
"So the issue I'm now facing is that I truly, desperately do NOT want to see my sister's fiancé's parents who hated me when we were dating."
The OP admitted they split on "terrible terms" because she "was in a bad place and cheated on him in college."
"But even tho he doesn't carry any kind of grudge anymore everyone in town knows his family despises me."
"My sister recently called me about this very topic. She wanted to walk me thru all the tricky pitfalls of interacting with his parents since they still hate me and will probably say terrible things to me in public."
The young bride doesn't seem to understand how crazy her fiancé's parents are.
"She told me that his parents promised to be on good behavior but that I shouldn't provoke them. But no matter how much I insisted that was a complete lie from them, my sister is still 100% blind to how psychotic and dishonest his parents could be."
The anxiety caused sleepless nights and the thought of attending the wedding became too much to bear.
"So I sat on it for a few days thinking about all the crap they'll end up doing to me and it just ate at me so much I couldn't sleep for two nights."
"I talked it thru with friends and my bf and eventually called my sister to tell her that I don't know what to do because I might not be able to go to her wedding if there's any chance I'll be publicly humiliated and verbally abused in front of hundreds."
"Well I gently raised this with my sister but she lost it."
"She said if I miss her wedding then I should just never call her again because she won't pick up. She thinks I should just suck it up and let his parents do whatever they want to me for her big day."
"I get where she's coming from but I also feel like the cost is too high for the sake of my own mental sanity over the next year. AITA?"
Redditors weighed in on OP's dilemma, declaring either:
NTA - Not The A**hole
YTA - You're The A**hole
ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
NAH - No A**holes Here
The general sentiment was not in OP's favor:
"YTA. You're worried that you'll be harassed for cheating on your ex by your exes parents? Probably a fair assessment and it may be a real possibility (although it's real hypocritical for you to call them dishonest)."
"However, that doesn't matter. It's your sisters wedding. You should go, and try your best to avoid them. Be there for your sister."
"Its so selfish to think 'oh yeah I should go and support my sibling on one of the most important days of their lives because I might be shouted at for something I deserve.'"
"Also that doesn't even consider the possibility that your ex's parents aren't terrible people and won't want to derail the entire wedding to shout at you (for something you deserve) and although they hate you it's quite egotistical to assume you'll be top of their priorities at THEIR SON'S WEDDING."
"buck up." – Kakiston
"OP is already making her sister's wedding all about herself. These people are watching their son get married. They're not interested in focusing on his cheating ex."
"Given the sister felt a conversation was necessary, it seems like the sister knows OP won't take kindly to not being in the spotlight."
"OP will find a way to make it happen. For attention-seekers even negative attention is attention."
"The threat to not go to the wedding is also making the wedding about OP. The sister should honestly accept the decision and move on. OP will crawl back to her when the feint fails." – Youhavemyaxeee
Redditors were initially hesitant in their YTA declaration after breaking down the younger sister's warning.
"I mean, if the sister had to call to warn her, it seems like her read here is pretty accurate."
"I do agree with the rest though. It's not like they're being randomly sh**ty." – MyAskRedditAcct
"That reads really weirdly 'They still hate you and will say terrible things to you BUT they promised to be good (so won't) but you shouldn't provoke them.' the entirety of that thought reads more."
"Yeah yeah, they still don't like you, but they promised to be good, but we have to talk about this so YOU don't say something stupid to provoke them." – shhh_its_me
"Yeah, I definitely read undertones of 'I resent when someone reminds me of my hurtful actions' and viewing it as toxic not because these people are truly, objectively awful people. Just loving parents who struggle to shake the fact their kid's first love f'ked another guy."
"It's been the better part of a decade, they need to move on and follow their son's healthy lead of being able to acknowledge they were wronged but that doesn't need to lead to lifelong resentment."
"But I just do not buy there will be a whole big scene, and I really think OP's anxieties are more due to her discomfort with having to face past mistakes."
"Reddit can be harsh on cheaters. I don't think OP is some irredeemable a**hole. But when we do sh**ty things - and we all do at different points in our lives - we have to take our knocks." – MyAskRedditAcct
This Redditor believes the OP's attendance might have terrible consequences.
"If the town is that small and the parents that petty, you have no idea what a dumpster fire is waiting to happen especially when people get alcohol in their system."
"If OP goes and some drama happens, her sister is going to have a breakdown and claim that OP stole her limelight or stirred up sh*t with her in-laws on her wedding day."
"I don't see why she's the AH for not going, especially when she used to date the groom. People love to talk about that kind of sh*t in small communities." – Stunning-General
The OP added the following update:
"To everyone asking why no ones told the parents to behave. The parents are telling my sister and her fiancé that they won't say anything to me and will be perfectly sweet."
"But I know them well enough to know this is a complete and utter lie."
"I told my sister as much but she has never seen their nasty side and totally believes them at their word. So now it makes me look like I'm bailing on her wedding for no reason at all even though I know his parents won't resist talking down to me if they see me."
The matrimonial miss is all very unfortunate.
If the resentment runs deep in this small town, perhaps it's best for the OP to decline the RSVP and plan a smaller celebration later that won't involve pieces of wedding cake on the floor.