Portland-based author treats herself to a fancy dinner and finds herself witness to the most bizarre date ever between a Wolf Girl and James Spader's doppelganger.
Hugo award finalist and novelist Sarah Gailey writes stores about murder and monsters, yet sometimes real life turns out to be stranger than fiction. This is exactly what happened when Gailey treated herself to duck at a fancy restaurant one evening, only to bear witness to a dinner date that we are still wrapping our heads around.
Note: This is a summary of Gailey's twitter-story. To read her full account unedited, go HERE.
Like a true narrator, she begins her story like so: "Who wants to hear the story of the date I witnessed between Wolf Girl and James Spader's Lonely Doppelganger? I HOPE IT'S YOU."
A man sits at an adjacent table who is the spitting image of James Spader. Sadly, he turns out not to be the esteemed actor of Stargate, The Practice, Boston Legal, and currently of The Blacklist. Gailey does a double-take before coming to this conclusion.
As she enjoys her delectable duck, the Not-James Spader constantly looks over at her as if he wants to say something. But Gailey's demeanor makes it clear that she wants to savor her meal in peace. Then things get really interesting: "Finally, a PERSON storms in and FLUMPS across from him. My overall impression is: BEDRAGGLED YOUTHSOME LADY."
Our narrator and witness to this strange encounter recounts the opening dialogue:
Not James Spader: You made it!
Bedraggled Young Lady: Yeah, sorry, I was at a rave and lost track of time.
NJS: [adjusts tie] Oh, uh, um, a rave? Like, uh, at a club?
BYL: Yeah, but it was like weird. Whatever
NJS: ...what's that you're wearing?
This is when our narrator reveals an important detail regarding the appearance of the Bedraggled Young Lady. That's right, she is wearing a wolf onesie.
Not James Spader doesn't seem all that surprised or put off.
Our narrator is feeling sorry for Not James Spader, but then Wolf Girl (formerly Bedraggled Young Lady) looks at the menu, and an even bigger plot twist unfolds. Wolf Girl complains that there is nothing good on the menu, aside from the pork.
Not James Spader gasps. "You eat pork?"
"I don't eat pork," he said with all the gravitas of a man in a suit on a date with a girl in a wolf onesie, "because pigs eat cats."
The rest of the story goes just as unexpected.
While pigs are omnivores, which means they eat both plants and animals (just like us), their general diet tends to be plant-based. So I'm afraid we have to call Not James Spader's statement about pigs mostly eating cats an alternative fact.
This is where the story ends, with Not James Spader and Wolf Girl (who turns out to be not old enough to legally drink) running off into the night in search of the weird and peculiar, perhaps at his ex-wife's bar no less, leaving us with one burning question on all of our minds:
"Do pigs really eat cats?"
We may never know. Or do we?
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Ronald Grump the Muppet in 1988; Joe Pesci as Ronald Grump in 1994; Donald Grump in 2005PBS
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