One of our favorite things about Robert Pattinson is the fact that, for better or worse, RPatts is RPatts.
He's an actor, so we're sure he has the ability to put on a character and act like he's got it together.
He just doesn't bother.
Imagine the proverbial cojones it takes to be cast as Batman and just decide naaaah, you're not going to work out and buff up for the role, particularly after Christian Bale's turn in the cowl.
Even Ben Affleck worked out when he got the nod.
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And honestly that's the kind of energy we love.
Now normally, Batman would be front and center of any interview with the actor picked to play the role, but Batman was totally overshadowed by pasta. Disastrous explosive pasta.
Robert decided he was going to try his hand at making piccolini cuscino—the name he has come up with for a pasta you can hold in your hand. Apparently he took his idea to an LA restaurant magnate who sat, listened and just stared blankly at him for quite some time afterwards.
The restaurateur confirmed the story was 100% true.
Anyway Robert didn't really see this as any reason to be dissuaded and figured if he made it for GQ then a partner who got his vision might just show up. So he did—or he tried.
And y'all, this is a culinary adventure.
This all happened while RPatts was on video chat with the interviewer. Like the interviewer watched this all go down live, but could do nothing to stop it.
We begin with his ingredients, all carefully sourced from the corner store.
Cornflakes - "I went to the shop, and they didn't sell breadcrumbs. I'm like, 'Oh, fck it! I'm just getting cornflakes. That's basically the same sht.' "
Lighter - "I always liked the idea of doing a little flambé, like the brand name, with kind of burnt ends at the top."
Cheese - "I got, like, nine packs of presliced cheese."
Sauce - "Just any sauce."
Pasta - "The pasta that's, like, a little, it's like a blob, a sort of squiggly blob? It looks like a sort of messy…like, the hair bun on a girl. There was one type of pasta that worked. It definitely wasn't penne."
Step one of this recipe is to microwave the penne pasta that replaced the blob kind he wanted.
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The original GQ interview text does such a magical job of explaining this next part that we don't want to ruin it.
Take a deep breath.
"In the meantime, he takes the foil and he begins dumping sugar on top of it. "I found after a lot of experimentation that you really need to congeal everything in an enormous amount of sugar and cheese." So after the sugar, he opens his first package of cheese and begins layering slice after slice onto the sugar-foil. Then more sugar: "It really needs a sugar crust."
"Then he realizes that he's forgotten the outer layer, which is supposed to be breadcrumbs but today will be crushed-up cornflakes, and so he lifts the pile of cheese and sugar and crumbles some cornflakes onto the aluminum foil before placing the sugar-cheese back on top of it. Then he adds sauce, which is red."
"The microwave dings, and Pattinson promptly burns himself on the bowl of pasta. He sighs, heavily, looking at it. "No idea if it's cooked or not." He dumps the pasta in anyway. At this point, his spirits have visibly begun to flag. "I mean, there's absolutely no chance this is gonna work. Absolutely none."
"The little pillow now mostly built, he pours more sugar on top of it and then produces the top half of a bun, which he hollows out, places it on top of the rest of whatever the hell this thing is, and…begins burning the top of the bun with the giant novelty lighter. "I'm just gonna do the initials.…"
"You look like you're cooking meth," I say, because he does."
"I'm really trying to sell this company. I'm doing this for my brand."
"At this point, he accidentally ignites one of his latex gloves, which promptly melts onto his palm. He yells in pain. Then he gingerly holds up the finished product: some approximation of a P, followed by a C, for Piccolini Cuscino, burned into the top of a hamburger bun"
Sugar, cheese, corn flakes and microwaved pasta with a branded hamburger bun.
As much of a disaster as this already is, we still haven't gotten around to actually cooking anything.
"He starts wrapping the whole thing up with more aluminum foil, and then compacts it, and then wraps it some more, and then squeezes it again. Suddenly he stops: "Can you actually put foil in an oven?"
"I say yes, you can, but what you absolutely cannot do is put foil in a microwave. And he says cool, cool, and then he goes looking for his oven, which he's never used before, and this is a nice house, so there are multiple options, and the one he settles on, well: It looks like another microwave to me. He assures me it is not."
"I reckon probably…10 minutes?"
"He puts the aluminum sphere, the little pillow, into what he thinks is an oven and I think is a microwave. He attempts to turn it on. "I actually knew how to do this before," he tells me. "I literally did this yesterday. And now it's just impossible. It's going to look like I can't cook at all."
"He fumbles at some more buttons. "Oh, oh, oh," he says, excitedly now. "A thousand watts, there you go."
"Proudly he is walking back toward the counter that his phone is on when, behind him, a lightning bolt erupts from the oven/microwave, and Pattinson ducks like someone outside has opened fire. He's giggling and crouching as the oven throws off stray flickers of light and sound."
"The fcking electricity…oh, my God," he says, still on the floor. And then, with a loud, final bang, the oven/microwave goes dark."
"In the silence, Pattinson and I both stare at the mysterious piece of machinery built into the wall behind him."
"Yeah, I think I have to leave that alone," he says, sighing again, picking himself off the floor. "But that is a Piccolini Cuscino."
The investors are probably lining up.
Twitter had thoughts on the whole event.
And at least one person attempted the recipe.
We'll be honest, it's possible that Robert is this much of a hot pandemic mess. But it's equally possible that he is having the time of his life trolling us all right now.
It wouldn't be out of character for him at all, and the rest of the interview is just as bonkers so it's impossible to be sure. At the end of the day we may never know.
But we do know not to microwave foil.