How many times does someone have to hurt you before you cut a toxic person out of your life?
How many chances do they get to prove they can be better?
What if that person is family? Does it change anything?
It's time we return to our favorite board on Reddit, AITA. For those not in the know, AITA is short for "Am I the A$$hole?"
Responses can vary, but are usually one of these:
NTA – Not The A$$hole
YTA – You're The A$$hole.
Today's story sees a woman with the username kait0923, who has a cartoonishly racist family, do the very thing that would make those sorts of people upset.
"I (Caucasian F26) married (Filipino M 28) 2018. Everyone in my family is married to someone Caucasian, literally no-one is in a mixed relationship."
"About 2 years ago I met my husband and we've been in love ever since. My parents never approved of our relationship and gave me an ultimatum. If I didn't leave him they'd kick me out and never speak to me again."
Okay, so, not a great opening. I feel like you get the vibe when your parents tell you break up with the love of your life and the only thing they know about him is that he's not white.
What do you do?
Obviously, you stay with the person you love and ignore your racist family.
"As soon as I mentioned he was Asian they looked visibly upset and my dad turned beet red. And since I didn't leave him, everyone in my family shunned me."
"For over two years my family didn't talk to me and didn't even know if I was okay. I tried to call them and even visit, but they'd never answer. After a while I got tired of trying."
Well, kait0923 is a better person than me. Despite being given an explicitly racist ultimatum, she still tries to give her family a chance to stay in her life.
It's entirely crazy. It's possible someone else in her family wants a relationship with her, but is afraid of the rest of the family.
But with how it turns out, I wouldn't put much stock in that possibility.
"Fast forward 2018, my husband proposed and we agreed on having a small wedding with just close friends and family (80 people approx). I invited my parents, siblings, and close family but no-one showed up. I was so heartbroken because I never got my parents blessing and this is a one in a lifetime event."
"Towards the end of 2018 I find out I'm pregnant with our first child and we're so excited to be parents. I plan out a small baby shower and I again invite my family and no-one shows up. My mom decides to phone me later that night to tell me that my child will never be accepted into their family and that I'm a disgrace."
Which brings us to the moment we've gathered here today for.
What would you do if racist-mom called wanting to meet her grandchild?
"Fast forward to this year 2020, my son is 6 months old and he doesn't know who his aunts, uncles, cousins, or grandparents are. He doesn't know any family besides my husband's. Two nights ago, my mom called to meet her grandkid but I immediately said no and didn't explain why. I'm afraid they might hurt my child to begin with and they never cared for him until now."
"So AITA?"
Question, friends: Is kait0923 the jerk for not letting her mom meet her grandchild?
Like I even need to ask.
"NTA i would be afraid for my child based on what you have laid out. I'm truly sorry your family acted this way and treated your marriage and child like this. But you are making a choice to protect your child from this hatred and there isn't anything assholish about that." - lyralady
"NTA It sounds like they cared more about being prejudiced than about you and your happiness. I wouldn't want them around my kid either." - ladylasa
"NTA. Your entire clan is racist. Stop communicating with your racist parents and move forward with your life." - cunejo
"NTA: Keep doing what you're doing, protecting your child and yourself from toxic racists." - chargoggaggog
Some of you might think that kait0923 is being a little too harsh. I mean, maybe she misinterpreted something, or maybe her parents have changed. We don't know.
You know who does know?
Yeah, her family is super racist.
"INFO: is this truly only because your husband is not white? There is nothing else they are saying?" - Ande7897
"Yes! My siblings all married Caucasian and have Caucasian kids. Everyone in my family is white. They've never met my husband nor wanted to get to know him better. So how can you hate someone you don't know? They kicked me out for dating him, but never had a problem when I was dating a white male back then." - kait0923
"I'm kinda curious, what were the big factors that changed you from the way they'd have tried to raise you? It's always really interesting to hear what influential people changed someone's worldview away from racist bigotry like that." - mewthulhu
"My parents have always been openly racist. They made me believe I was superior to anyone who wasn't white and I was only allowed to have white friends.
I knew that what they were saying was very wrong be at school I was learning to treat others with respect. And as I grew up I learned about racism and prejudice." - kait0923
Again, I would like to give kait0923 a big hand. She's a much better person than I am.
In another comment, she's given her mother a path forward that makes a lot of sense. Her mother has to meet kait0923's husband multiple times and get along with him before she'll be allowed anywhere near the child.
It's a lot of work, but it is an option.
"INFO: was your mom calling as a representative of the whole family, or was it just for her? If she's changed her mind (because wth of course she'd want to meet her grand baby) but feels the need to surreptitiously contact you, would that make a difference to you? I agree with everyone else that your family has some severe reparations to offer, and it sounds like you've handled this whole thing with dignity and class." - ladyO26
"My mom only mentioned meeting up with her, I'm pretty sure my dad isn't on board and she's meeting me without him or anyone knowing. If she changed her mind, she has to meet my husband, get to know him, and see him as an equal. Not just once, but multiple times. If she ever accepts him, then she can accept my baby. Once I can trust her, it'll make a difference." - kait0923
"I'm a dad (of a daughter about your age even) and for what it's worth, you have my blessing." - gcanyon
"This made me cry, thank you so much." - kait0923
Obviously, kait0923 was not the one who did wrong here. But it can be difficult to tell when you're the one dealing with your family like this.
It's good she's found a way to give her mother a chance to be in her child's life but without just forgiving the racism.
But man, seriously? The blatant white supremacy needs to go away. No one is better off with that toxic mentality.
