Imagine you're out on a first date or you're at a business luncheon...
You reach for a helping of a greasy, saucy, messy finger food option. Then, no matter how much you try, in slow motion, you see it drop down onto your shirt. There was no way to avoid this terribly awkward catastrophe...
Or was there?
That's what the internet is for.
Reddit user, u/Iron-Waffle, wanted to hear what they should avoid chowing down on at fancy events when they asked:
What food is just impossible to eat in a civilized manner?
Some foods prove a challenge, not because the present as a messy food, but because they hide a more sinister side. The mess is coming, just not in a way you expected.
If You Don't Buy It Pre-Sliced...
"a whole mango"
"How do you guys do it? As a Filipino, we slice it parallel to the seed. You will end up with two halves and the center cross-section. You can eat both halves with a spoon. You can just throw the seed part out.
Of course not. You obviously don't waste a mango! You just devour it messily with your hands."
Slurp. Slurp.
"Spaghetti, it doesn't matter how much you spin your fork, there will always be that(those) noodle(s) that just won't wrap around your fork and will hang out of your mouth making it look like you have the table manners of a toddler."
Dignity: LOST
"Donuts, especially the kind with fillings. It's hard to look dignified when you bite into something and cream/jelly splurts out all over your face."
Anything with a sauce, that you're required to eat with your hands, is bound to be a bit messy. Best to just suck it up, know you're going to get some on your shirt, and enjoy the flavor clash.
No Point In Trying To Avoid The Inevitable
"BBQ ribs"
"If I recall my Pet & Pete (Yes, I'm old) the correct way to eat BBQ ribs IS to eat it in a messy manner. Using a fork and knife to eat them is wrong etiquette, as demonstrated by inspector 34."
Gnaw And Gnaw And Gnaw
" Chicken wings"
"I saw a dude shaking his head back and forth while holding the chicken wing still. It was like, well, a dog gnawing a bone. It was incredible. He was a full grown adult man. I still think about it."
"I've mastered eating wings with one hand so that my other hand stays clean. My friends however somehow get sauce all the way down their forearms and walk to the bathroom like a surgeon about to put gloves on pre operation"
Self-Imposed Mess
"There's this one I make myself from this bbq joint Restaurant near my folks house … I get the fried chicken tenders and Mac and cheese as a side. Ask for extra piece of Texas Toast. Make a sandwich with the chicken loads of BBQ sauce and Mac and cheese it's messy AF… the owner saw me make it one time and put it on the menu as a limited time thing gave me one for free."
And then there's these foods, which no mortal could eat without coming off looking like a manic monster devouring its prey. That's okay, though, because it all sounds delicious.
Unhinge Your Jaw Like A Snake And...
"Those giant burgers that are like 8 inches high. Yeah they look cool and usually taste good but shield your children's eyes because I look like a monster when I eat one of those things"
"When I eat those, even if I flip it so the bigger bun is on the bottom, it's just impossible for it to survive. So now I just resign myself to the fact that at some point I'm going to be eating like a Viking, and just go to town on it."
...Stuff It All In.
"A taco when it's over stuffed. The meat falls out, if you put too much sour cream it falls over, cheese falls everywhere if its not melted, and then it all blends together on your plate. Then, you try to find different angles to eat your taco, rather you move your taco or your head. No matter what, you generally look like a weirdo. Or, maybe that's just me-"
This Just Sounds Like A Lot Of Work
"A dozen Maryland style steamed blue crabs."
"Using only your hands and a small wooden mallet?"
"You literally have to rip the body open, gut it, pull off its lungs, crack the torso in half and scoop out the inside meat while also tearing off its legs one by one, cracking them open with a wooden hammer before sucking out the inner flesh."
"There is no other way to eat them. You end up covered from face to lap in bits of shell, guts, crab poop (the "mustard" which is actually the tastiest part), the juices, the spices and your own blood if you're not careful when you're opening them up in the first place."
"I once invited a friend from the Midwest to a crab feast when she was visiting. I've never seen someone so disturbed about seafood in my life. At one point she had to leave the table to go vomit because the violence of eating crabs was a bit too much for her."
"Probably should should have started her out light with something like a crab cake or some crab dip or something. Glad I didn't decide to steam them fresh myself that night. Which is a whole other level of brutality."
Jane Rosenberg
Jane Rosenberg
@arianagrande/Instagram
@arianagrande/Instagram