Reddit user macacaralho has a bit of a problem.
He's about to get married and his brother told him he would be using the occasion to come out to their homophobic family.
He detailed the entire story in a viral Reddit post entitled "AITA for asking my brother not to bring his boyfriend to my wedding?"
It read:
"Ok this is the worst. I'm losing sleep over this."
"I'm getting married in a week to an awesome woman, and I cannot wait to be her husband, we are so excited."
"My brother is gay, but my family doesn't know, only me and my parents know. I come from a very old school traditional family, so the old part of the family, grandparents and some aunts/uncles still have last century's mind, and the younger portion, cousins/sibilings are open minded, and are living in the present."
Macacaralho has given his brother the same piece of advice for a long time.
"So my brother has been dating his bf for 6 months now, the dude is great, I'm so happy my brother found a great guy. But it's kind of a secret, as he hasn't told my family he is gay."
"I've been telling him for years that he should come out, cause I know it stresses him a lot, and I think it will make him feel better not to hide anymore, plus I bet a few family members already know anyway."
"But he disagrees cause he knows a part of the family won't accept it and it will be a lot of drama. I see the opposite, I see it as the sooner you know who the idiots are, the sooner we can cut them from our lives. I have no interest in having someone in my life that doesn't accept my brother being gay."
"Anyway, that's his decision not mine, so for now he won't say anything."
But when he finally decided to take the advice, it was at an...inopportune time.
"Until a few weeks ago, when he said he wants to bring his bf to my wedding. I was not expecting that to be honest. So he went from 0 to 100 pretty fast."
"If it was any other occasion I would be supportive obviously, but I don't think my wedding day is the day to do that. Imagine all the drama and gossip and bullshit that would happen. And I don't want to get the attention away from my fiancée, that's her day."
"And I dont wanna have to worry about that on my wedding day, and I think it's a pretty good reason"
OP's brother's reasoning makes sense, but may make the wedding a little bit unpleasant for the bride and groom.
"I asked him why my wedding day, he said it's because he wants to celebrate love with the 2 people he loves the most, me and his boyfriend. This is killing me. I would fight my whole family for my brother and never speak to them again if I had to, but my wedding day is supposed to be a celebration, not a family fight, and I can't do this to my wife, that might ruin our future."
"I didn't even tell her, she is already stressed out, dont wanna make it even worse"
When macacaralho asked his brother to come alone, he did NOT take it well.
"With a heavy heart, I asked him to please come alone to the wedding, and that I hope he understands me. He started crying and left my house without saying anything."
"Next day I got a text and he said 'dont worry, going alone'. I tried calling him but he didnt answer me, and my parents don't seem to know what's happening because they didn't say anything."
"He eventually called me back a few days later, we spoke, he said he understands my side, but things are still weird between us
This is the worst situation of my life, am I the a$$hole for handling it the way I did?"
Macacaralho circled back a little while later to give a quick update
"PS 1: I wanna thank the redittor that sent me a private message and said they hope a mass shooter shows up at my wedding, so thoughtful!!!"
"PS 2: Thanks for the gold and stuff!"
"Update: spoke to fiancée, couldn't keep this from her anymore, she agreed with me."
"Clarification: I know it won't be my brother that would cause trouble. The trouble would start with remarks and looks from some aunt/uncle. Doesn't matter, we are spending a lot of money on this wedding, planned it for a long time, my fiancee put her heart and soul into planning this wedding."
"I don't want to see my bride or mom crying, or some idiot uncle insulting my brother. Literally every other day of my life I will support my brother's decision to come out. Even at the wedding, I would obviously defend him. But the point is, NOT AT THE WEDDING. Also, MY BROTHER IS NOT THE A**HOLE. Not at all."
FlamingCabbage91 couldn't imagine coming out at a sibling's wedding.
"NTA - God I'm queer and I gotta say, a sibs wedding would NOT be the place to trot out that bit of my life. Its your wedding its your day. Although I have to say if your wife is level headed she wouldn't let a family fight ruin your relationship. Did you talk to her about this?"
sambeano thought the brother might have an ulterior motive.
"I think brother wants to piggyback on the wedding to use it as a distraction tool. He comes to the wedding with his bf, family is shocked, but can't really deal with/react to the issue because wedding, so impact for him is softened. He's relying on social politeness norms to sneak in a heavy topic."
sebwiers was even more convinced that OP had made the right decision.
"Its not that simple because 'coming out' is not like flipping a switch. There will be people who don't get the message, and even for those that do its likely the first time they see him with a same sex partner. If ther's 3+ mos or another major familly event before the wedding it might be a good solution.. but OP say one week. NTA"
TheHarperValleyPTA knows there's only one real rule at a wedding.
"Agreed. Almost all wedding etiquette comes down to 'don't upstage the couple'. It's too bad there isn't more time, because if he was actually able to come out beforehand, bringing his boyfriend to the wedding would have been fine. People will still talk, but it wouldn't stop the show."
ApoliticalRat summed up both sides of the issue fairly well.
"IMO, this is a NAH situation. You're clearly trying to prevent an extreme blowout at your wedding that can (and likely would) ruin it."
"Your brother is most likely trying to avoid some measure of the backlash he feels he will receive by coming out by doing so in a situation where it would not be socially acceptable for someone to flip their shit about it."
"Both of you have understandable reasoning here, but I think the one who is in the wrong is your brother on this one. He is acting to take advantage of your wedding, while you're just trying to enjoy your wedding."
"I would tell him it's fine to bring his boyfriend, but only if he chooses to come out to the family at least a couple of weeks in advance of your wedding. If he is planning to come out at your wedding, that is not going to be okay."
Hopefully everything turns out alright between macacaralho and his brother.
It seems both only wants what's best for the other and, after a heartfelt conversation, they'll likely be able to put this all behind them.
A good litmus test of whether something is OK to do at someone else's wedding is if it will make you the center of attention instead of the bride and groom, don't do it.
Emily Post's Wedding Etiquette book is available here.
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