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As a BIPOC autistic woman, my life has been filled with qualified compliments.
"You're really _____, for a _____."
"You're the ____est ____ I know."
And since I've reached 50 and the gray hair is starting to show, there's now the added qualifier of "for your age."
"You're really _____ for your age."
Qualified compliments are a form of backhanded compliment.
How so? If they think I'm smart or entertaining or funny or attractive, they should just say that without adding woman, Indigenous or a reference to my age.
I'm always told some variation of:
"You're the funniest woman I know."
"You're really smart for an Indigenous woman."
"I would never guess you're autistic—you're so normal!"
"You still look decent for your age."
Gee... thanks.
I always feel like responding:
"So how do I compare to normal people? Am I as funny as any of the men you know? Am I dumber than all other races or just some of them? It's called masking—I'm actually quite odd. Would I look horrible for 40?"
Backhanded compliments aren't uncommon. Most of us have experienced them.
Reddit user lameguy13 asked:
"What’s a backhanded compliment you’ve received in real life?"
What People Think
"Someone once told me, 'You're so lucky you don't care what people think about you'."
"I'm still not sure if that was a compliment or a subtle insult."
~ Neekol-USA
I Feel Pretty
"My junior prom date said this to his mom:"
"'I know she's not pretty like the other girls I date, but she's great and I really like her'."
~ champagneformyrealfr
Unless It's Cosmetology School
"'Your makeup doesn't look cakey today!' Thank you....?"
~ Nein______________
Their First Ex-Boyfriend
"My first boyfriend and I were wrestling one time and I pinned him and said, 'I win!' real flirty like."
"He pushed me off of him and said, 'yeah, only because you weigh a ton'."
~ GanethLey_art
Welcome To The Team
"When I applied for a new position within the company and was offered the job, my new boss told me I was the best out of what he had to choose from."
~ Pleasant-Physics-855
Cheers, Mom
"During my wedding reception, my mom made a speech where she congratulated me for finding my husband despite being 'weird and independent'."
"She did this in front of everyone at the wedding."
"People came up to me after asking if I was OK."
~ Not-From-Pakistan
How Charming
"'You’re pretty cool, you know that? Most girls in the Air Force are dogs, or bi*ches, but you’re somewhere in between'."
"I swear he was trying to get into my pants by saying I was nice AND attractive, but those words did not convey the message well."
"I just knew that regardless of what he was trying to say to me, that it was an unkind attitude toward everyone else."
~ mahjimoh
Lights Out
"I once had a girl I like mention something about it being dark."
"I said, 'It's okay, you look good in the dark'."
"I really liked her and was just being awkward, but she understandably got pretty upset."
~ Sudovoodoo80
Pretty For A ___
"My own mom when I went from 97 lbs at age 20 to about 130 lbs—which was way healthier—'your face is still pretty for a fat girl'."
~ InstantElla
Why Do They Think It's Called English?
"'Your grasp on our language is remarkable'."
"From an American to an Englishman without an English name—my name is Scottish."
"I'm not Scottish."
"I was born in England—as my many, many Scot relatives remind of at very regular intervals—but with a Scottish name to piss everyone off."
~ Wittgenstienwasright
Baby Got Back
"'You have a pretty face, too bad your butt is big'."
"My fiancé’s grandmother at their family gathering had no filter."
~ maybeCheri
When In Rome
"'Your nose is so... Roman-esque...'."
"It's massive and you know it."
~ ibiacmbyww
So Flattering
"'You're half Mexican? Honestly, I couldn't tell 'cause you're actually pretty!'."
~ ThatEllieGirl2011
So A Career In Drag?
"In high school this girl I had a crush on kept staring at me in class one day. She finally leaned over and said, 'You'd make a pretty girl'."
"I still don't know how to take that compliment."
"That being said, my wife and I had a daughter ~eight months ago."
"She looks just like me and she's beautiful. I guess she was right."
~ Vlaed
...For A Girl
"Literally ANY f*cking time I was good at ANYTHING as a kid, I was told 'you're so good at ______, for a girl'."
~ Latter_Schedule9510
Hopefully, you haven't been guilty of any of these.
So, what's the worst backhanded compliment you’ve received?