"No speakerphone..."

No speakerphone in public.

ViolinDC

"Service employees..."

Service employees are now legally required to physically fight one customer a day.

NanoBuc

"If you throw your butts..."

If you throw your butts out the car window, a mysterious, compelling force will cause you to retrieve them and stick them up your bumhole.

PanickedPoodle

"News stories..."

News stories have to be 100% unbiased and truthful.

hamy_thepinkghost

"When you make a mistake..."

When you make a mistake, quickly take ownership, apologize and make right where possible.

On the counter: forgive that which is done wrong and don't make forgiveness conditional on atonement or apology.

JewsEatFruit

"LITERRING..."

LITTERING WILL BE CONSIDERED A HATE CRIME AGAINST EARTH.

BWIPPS

"Every sentence..."

Every sentence must be finished with a noun that has absolutely nothing to do with the sentence spoken. (eg: Hey Billy, how's work been thermostat?) (eg: Little Darla hurt her knee when she fell off the swings death penalty.)

ErsatzCaptain

"I command everyone..."

I command everyone to consider how their actions will affect those around them.

ELPWork

Everyone must wash their hands every time they use the toilet ... yes, even you, Mr "I don't pee on my hands so I don't need to wash them."

davidtcook

"Everyone has to..."

Everyone has to use the metric system.

sidmesh