An expectant woman felt like she was insignificant after her partner incessantly told her the baby would be more important than her.
An intense altercation ensued after the boyfriend disagreed with the advice from the midwife – who advised the pregnant woman to stay on her medication for her borderline personality disorder.
In the beginning, the Original Poster (OP) said she and her partner were "very excited" after recently discovering the good news.
But then he began belittling her.
"All has been fine except he keeps throwing in comments like 'you're not number one anymore' and 'you're not as important' etc."
"Logically I get it but every time it's said I feel like an incubator not a person, I'm just here to give him what he wants."
When the topic of the OP discontinuing her medication came up, she recalled something the midwife said that validated her self worth.
But her confidence was quickly dismantled again by her boyfriend.
"My midwife says she doesn't want me to come off it until I'm on something else because I'm more important."
"I said this and he replied 'well I'm sorry. I disagree with that. You're not number one anymore'."
This resulted in a fiery exchange.
"Safe to say I freaked and started shouting. I told him he needed to stop saying that as jealousy over a baby is common, he is making me resent the baby before it's even here, and I am more important because if I'm not here you don't get either of us."
His response to her standing up for herself was very telling.
"He told me off for shouting at him and threatened to kick me out the car while saying 'if you're jealous over a baby you need to get checked,' along with other things I can't remember.
"Now the kicker to this is my medication is to control my borderline personality disorder which is characterised by 'unstable relationships' and 'fear of abandonment.'"
"He knows this, yet he has carried on. I don't even want this baby anymore."
"Am I the a**hole for feeling like this? Am I the a**hole for freaking out at him?"
Anonymous strangers on the internet were asked to weigh in with:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
"NTA. He's treating you like a walking incubator not a person. It's not your baby fault though."
"Even without a personality disorder you would still need tlc, reassurance, your body is now a hormonal war zone and going through so many changes."
"He also threatened to kick you out of the car. Please rethink being with this person. I also hate to break it to him but you're going to be the most important person in the world to your baby."
"Listen to your midwife and other medical advisers not him, stay on your medication." – cocacola700
In response to the above comment, the OP asked if she still deserved to be kicked out of the car for yelling at him.
The Redditor responded by suggesting she should think twice about staying in the relationship.
"No. You never threaten to kick someone out especially if they are pregnant with your unborn baby, you calmly try to defuse the situation.
"This relationship is a big mess that an innocent baby is being brought into."
"You aren't getting the support you need from him now, once that baby is born the strain on your relationship will be way worse. He won't support you now, he sure isn't going to after the birth."
"I'd personally be rethinking whether you should even be with him."
This person shared their personal experience to confirm implications of an unhealthy relationship.
"NTA. I grew up with a dead-beat abusive dad."
"My mom finally left him a year ago (woohoo, mom!), but she always identified this one moment when she was pregnant with me as the time when she finally realized she should leave him and yet didn't."
"They had a rocky marriage and when she finally got pregnant she thought it would make things better."
"They were having a fight about buying an appliance when he got angry and drove off, leaving her stranded (in the age before cell phones) at a mall 40 minutes from where they lived, at dusk, in a rough area."
"She had to go in and ask for help to make a call to her dad who picked her up."
"I don't want to be that person on the internet who is like #leavethatman, but consider your relationship and whether it is a good and healthy one or if it's dysfunctional."
"Yelling isn't good, but trying to force someone out of the car is less good to put it mildly. When my partner or I accidentally yells, the other tries their best to calmly be like 'that's not how we talk about problems' and we go from there." – Carpefelem
The OP was reminded of her importance as a pregnant woman.
"No honey, you don't deserve it, it's not normal behavior."
"You were shouting at him because he literally just told you that your not as important as the cluster of cells slowly growing."
"You are still an important person, YOU are growing the baby. Not the other way around." – emailemilyryan
Discussion about risks with medications taken during pregnancy also populated the thread.
"There are actually psychiatrists that specialize in which psychiatric medications are the 'safest' to take."
"Everything has risks, and experimenting on babies is unethical, so everything is based on observational studies. However, they are extensive."
"Usually, there are 'safer' alternatives, so they will ween you off one and put you on another that might be better for baby. But, ultimately, what's good for mom is what goes because without mom there is no baby."
"And most psychiatric meds have mixed ratings in the medical field, so it just depends on which doctor you see (which is crazy, but that's a different rant)."
"Also OP, NTA. Sure, your baby is important, and many parents claim to love their kids more than their partner, but that doesn't mean your SO should be treating you badly, especially before there's a baby."
"There's no excuse for his disgusting behavior." – JJwithadog
"This is just my experience, but when I was pregnant with my first my Dr. and psychiatrist explained that there were correlated risks if I stayed on my meds during my pregnancy (antidepressants and anti-anxiety meds)."
"But that the risk to my mental health was a known and that the potential risk to the fetus was an unknown."
"It was up to me to decide, and I decided I would be safer and healthier if I stayed on my meds."
"I had a fairly calm and easy pregnancy and did not go out of my mind worrying about things, etc. I went no meds with our second, and mental health wise, it was much harder; I was off for just over 2 years (pregnant and breastfeeding) and I wish I had stayed on them."
"So I think it really depends on how you think you will be affected if you go off and if the risk to your mental health is worth a potential risk to the baby." – robertsba2011
"Honestly? I know that a lot of the meds I am on are not safe for a pregnancy. It's one of the reasons why I will not have children." – mollybrains
This Redditor asked the OP to assess the situation.
"Think about the logic of this for a second."
"He says you're no longer number one or a priority, because the baby is. But then he threatens to kick you out of the car and potentially make the baby homeless. Do these things make sense to each other?
"They don't. He's being manipulative." – TXpheonix
Ultimately, being supportive instead of antagonizing toward an expectant mother might be more beneficial for all involved.
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The book We're Pregnant! The First Time Dad's Pregnancy Handbook is available here.