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Guy Sparks Debate After Outing Girl He Hooked Up With To His Entire University For Not Disclosing That She Had An STI

Anna Bizon / EyeEm / Getty Images; u/Jfhfkshf/Reddit

Questions asked online can lead to some very hot takes.

Maybe your answer is nuanced, backed by research and strong moral fiber.

Or maybe you like to get indignant and loud and everyone pays attention because of that.


Who can say for certain?

Over on our favorite Reddit board, "AITA" or "Am I The A-hole?" we have anonymous user Jfhfkshf asking the titular question.

What has he done?

He outed a woman for having an STI.

You know you've got something good when the mods lock comments shortly after the post goes up.

If you're not familiar with this subReddit, commenters give four designations to the posts:

NTA - Not The A-hole

YTA - You're The A-hole

ESH - Everyone Sucks Here

NAH - No A-holes here

While he believes himself to be in the right, Jfhfkshf got some backlash for his actions and is trying to clear his conscience. However, it may prove difficult, as his situation has split the room.

Jfhfkshf gets right to the point.

" To cut a long story short, I slept with a girl called Madison at a toga party. We had both been drinking but not in anyway drunk. Just a couple beers. The next morning a friend approached me and asked why I slept with her when she has herpes. I had no idea and obviously would not have slept with her had I known. I was annoyed she did not disclose this and feel she had a moral obligation to do so before sleeping with anyone."
"When I confronted her she admitted she has genital herpes but said it wasn't a big deal, it never flares up, she hasn't passed it on to anyone etc. I don't really care for these excuses, and when I pushed her for an apology she said I was being a pansy."

STIs can feel scary.

Considering 1 in 6 Americans carry herpes, the chance of getting it is pretty high. The girl probably should have said something, right?

But does that mean she deserves what happens next?

"Following this incident, I took it upon myself to share her herpes status on our university's Facebook pages anonymously. I did this so that other men (or women, if she swings that way) don't get tricked also. Although it's obviously me that did it, she can't prove it, and I haven't gotten in trouble for it."
"That said, she has organised a campaign against me for "slut shaming" and "harassment" against her for the posts, and successfully convinced a few groups of my guilt. The posts in question were literally bland and vanilla: "Beware of X. She has genital herpes and does not disclose this fact to those she sleeps with." Absolutely no mean words or slurs."

People were quick to side with Jfhfkshf.

As he pointed out, herpes is transmitted sexually, and the girl didn't disclose she had it.

"NTA
If she decides she wants to have casual sex, it's fine, but she needs to disclose any STIs to ANYONE she intends to sleep with. What she did to you may actually be a crime where you live. If I were you, I'd reach out to your university counseling for information and I'd get tested yourself. Even if she doesn't have symptoms she could still have passed it to you." -
milkymilkchan
"NTA, f*** people like her (not literally though, you don't want that STI). She's saying you're "slut shaming" well if she's having sex with people and potentially infecting them then she could use a little shaming." - Archon__X

Some pointed out that he probably saved some guys from sleeping with the girl in question.

"NTA - and she is by the way. Transmitting an incurable disease without warning someone you are infected is a terrible thing to do. Good on you for spreading the word. She may be giving you grief, but think about the guys she ~hasn't~ infected with her STD, because you warned them.
Also, while I know you're young, don't have sex with people without a recent STD test that shows they are clean. You should have one as well to show them. It isn't romantic, or sexy, or fun, but it's better than a life long regret." - richardjreidii
" NTA Its very messed up that she didnt tell you about her having herpes and you probably saved a few people from getting it" - SilverQuex

However, there is more to the story. It's not part of the post itself, but it will likely change your view.

Herpes is not a huge deal. Yes, it is a disease that can cause discomfort, but it's also something a sizable portion of the population has.

You may remember scaremongering PSAs or posters warning you that 4 out of 5 people with herpes don't know they have it, so watch out! But the reason they don't know they have it is because their symptoms are so mild or even have no symptoms.

And it's true that 1 in 6 Americans have genital herpes, but if you include oral herpes, 90% of the population already has the disease.

So, now that you know that herpes is mostly harmless little red bumps, and there's a pretty good chance you yourself have the disease, does that change your opinion?

" OMG YTA in so many ways. like seriously go learn about herpes. the chances of you getting herpes from her when she's not having an outbreak is next to 0. something like 30% of the population has herpes that stays asymptomatic and they never have an outbreak. there's a reason clinics don't test for herpes with out a request for it. It because we all have it (well, at least 30% do) and most of us never have a single symptom." - Madbettalady
"YTA - B I G T I M E. did you wear a condom? if so, what the actual f*** is wrong with you? you're at LEAST 96% protected with one and if she wasn't suffering from a flare up then the chance of you getting it is EXTREMELY low. do you think people who suffer from oral herpes (aka cold sores) tell everyone they kiss? have some f***ing perspective.
there's such a stigma surrounding herpes, as if it's the end of someone's life if they get it. she was likely to sleep with you once and protected so i can 100% understand why she didn't tell you.
the fact you SPREAD it around is appalling, you should be f***ing ashamed of yourself." -
dendrology2007

How about the fact he disclosed this woman's private information publicly over it?

"Did you ask her for STI status before having sex? She should have disclosed, but you also should have not assumed otherwise. You both dropped the ball, but you're revenge posting her status. YTA. Also, I suggest educating yourself more on STIs, and what actual risks are (these can change greatly depending on medication, etc, others or even yourself may be on." - angeltigriss
"ABSOLUTELY YTA. You disclosed her PRIVATE MEDICAL INFORMATION to an entire university. That is absolutely wrong. You also have little understanding of how herpes works and while she should have shared that info with you, that didn't give you the right to share that with everyone. Learn more about herpes and then realize what you did." - megankoli

It's really easy to see why people would be upset, considering the stigma around herpes.

And maybe you felt that since she knew, she still should have disclosed, leading to an ESH, or 'Everyone Sucks Here' situation.

It's also possible you still think he did nothing wrong, which is your opinion to have, but it's difficult to change your mind if you don't have all the information.

Whatever your thought, it might be best to learn before you publicly shame someone. Or at the very least, before you call someone an a-hole.

Want to raise educated, aware people? The book It's Perfectly Normal: Changing Bodies, Growing Up, Sex, and Sexual Health is available here to navigate families through healthy discussions about growing up.

We're all self-conscious about something, and it doesn't help when our faults get thrown in our faces. You don't want doctors hinting that something is "weird down there," nor do you want someone to tell you you're balding. WE KNOW.

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Hmmmm, I don't think THAT'S your essay....

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When you know your kids backwards and forwards, this is the best tool in your arsenal.

Getting our kids to listen to us is not always the easiest of tasks. They're willful and stubborn, but we've got a mighty weapon they are rarely prepared for: reverse psychology. Getting them to convince themselves to want to do something against their own initial intentions takes some work and a whole lot of creativity, but a little sneaky manipulation goes a long way. Here are some clever parents' tricks that are definitely worth taking notes on.

Redditor u/LeanderD Asks:

Parents of reddit, what's your best example of reversed psychology on your kids that actually worked?

He Floated His Idea Through A Back Channel

Giphy

Wanted to name my boat. Anything I would think of was dismissed as stupid by my 13 year old son. After deciding on a name, I confided to a male friend my son liked. Made my friend suggest the name as though it was his idea. My son thought the name was perfect. Done.

calypsodweller

We Always Want What We Can't Have

One of my best friends through childhood used to be punished with no salad if she misbehaved. She cherishes salad now and would always try to eat as much as possible during school lunch. Coincidentally, her now husband used to be punished with no books, it had the same effect. I think it's hilarious that they'd be hitting the salad bar and library like some black market their narc parents couldn't reach hahaha.

cookiearthquake

A Deceit That's A Cut Above The Rest

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Don't know if this counts, but, at my high school (private, boys only) in the 1960's, they made a big deal about how long your hair was, and would occasionally order a boy to go home and "get a haircut".

I thought it was stupid, until years later, a master confided to me at a reunion that the policy was deliberate. The school figured we'd spend so much energy rebelling about hair length, that we would ignore other aspects of teenage rebellion. (Not?) Surprisingly, they were mostly right.

FrankDrakman

Damn! That's smart. Wow.

fangxx456

Oh they don't like long hair?

I'll show them. I'll grow my hair out as lon- what?! No I don't want to go "party"? I gotta try out this horse shampoo.

DankeyKang11

The Forbidden Book

Hi I was a victim,

There was a forbidden book that I was not allow to read on the shelf. My parents said I could only read it if I behave myself.

It was summer holidays and I was playing games all day (after 6 hrs of summer homework). One day I was home alone and had the opportunity to grabbed it. I read like half of it in one go. It was 5000 years of Chinese history.

Safe to say I was bamboozled.

oddstodd

Flowers Of The Queen

My parents always told me my broccoli were the flowers of the queen and that I really shouldn't eat them, or else the queen would get very upset! I, of course, ate the whole broccoli in a few seconds.

Subwoofy

I'm telling the queen and she's gonna be pissed

draculacletus

Sleeping Beauty

Giphy

I taught my kids when they were toddlers that no amount of yelling, shaking or hitting can wake a sleeping adult. The only thing that works is a gentle hug and/or a nice kiss on the cheek.

Edit: Probably needed some more details for the reverse psychology aspect to be clear. It went something like this - Step one, tell the kids I'm going to sleep and nothing they do will wake me (head buried face down is the safest position). Step two, after the initial onslaught dies down pretend to awaken on your own. Tell them you got a bit of nap left in you and nothing can wake you, especially not hugs and kisses.

DrMethusael

Holy sh*t...if my daughter woke me up like this I would buy her a pony.

All-Seeing_Elon

I am saving this comment because this will save lives if I ever have kids, stg.

smerter

A Walk In Someone Else's Shoes.

Split custody with my ex. When my son was around 10, he visited two weekends a month. I was waiting tables and didn't have a huge amount to spend, but he was so needy from divorce (and I'm not blaming him, it was ugly), he begged constantly for MORE when he was with me. Whatever more was, it didn't matter... he'd be eating ice cream cone and begging for teriyaki.

I finally realized that he just felt empty, and getting MORE whatever from me wasn't filling him up. His next visit I handed him $100 in cash and told him it was our food/fun budget for 3 days and two nights, and he was in charge of it. I bought him his own wallet to carry. We figured out how many times we were going to eat and what we were going to do, and he paid. He got to keep whatever money he had left...thought he was rich...then realized just how much everything cost. Well. Shoe on other foot then. If we had no money for food, we ate leftovers - and I didn't contribute more to pot. After a few weekends of running short or not getting something he actually wanted because he was foolish with funds, he started to really think about how to spend that money. He budgeted and kept to his budget. And a few times he actually went home with a little cash for his private stash.

Many years later, he thanked me for this. It really changed the way he thought about money and love.

Augumenti

This Is Worth Giving A Shot

Took my 3 year old son to one of those doctor's visits where he was going to get a shot. He was worried about the shot on the whole drive over, almost to the point of tears. We get to the doctor's office and a nurse subtly lets me know that my son is not just scheduled for 1 shot, but 5 of them in the same visit.

I turn to my son with an exaggerated smile and tell him, "Good news! They figured out how to take that one big shot you were going to get and instead break it up into these 5 little tiny shots so it won't hurt nearly as much!"

You could see the relief wash over his face. He stopped squirming and relaxed completely. He took the first shot and even smiled and said "It's true! The small ones don't hurt!"

We actually made it through the third shot before the effect wore off and reality kicked in. Still... I counted it as a victory.

blackbird77

Put This To The Taste

Giphy

My mom would tell me she only lets me eat soup after candy and she'd only buy me candy that i didn't like. After a few times, i stopped trying and begged her to let me eat soup first. She gave me a smirk and told me go ahead. This doesn't sound as evil as it was. But trust me i suffered.

turkeypr0

So what was the candy?

Poster_Main

Mint chocolate, raisins, stuff like that. I still hate them to this day. Who the f--- thought while eating chocolate "hmm id like some tooth paste with this."

turkeypr0

This is Truckin' Awesome

Mum had sworn a bit around the house.

When 4, while out at the supermarket, I said F word really loudly.

Very quickly and intently, she asked if I had just said "Truck" and said that was a bad word and not to ever say Truck like that again.

I thought that was the bad word so used that when being naughty.

GodOfTheThunder

The "Silly Mom" Routine

The "Silly Mom" routine.

My kid, and a few other kids I've known, would balk at getting ready to go. I'd grab their clothes and say, "Well, if you won't put on your clothes, I guess I'll put on your clothes. Cute shirt, by the way! Does it go on my foot?"

NO!

"Does it go on my head?"

NO! IT GOES ON ME!

"Oh, that's right, thanks! So, it must go on your legs, right?"

NO!

"I just can't figure this out! Where does this adorable shirt go?"

[kid grabs shirt and puts it on] ON MY TUMMY! SILLY MOM!

"Oh, thank you so much! Now what about these pants? Shirts go on tummies, so...the pants go on the tummy, too, right?"

NO!

[continue until kids have dressed themselves]

I would also do things like hand the kid my keys and say, "Alright, you're driving, I'll sit in the booster seat in back," attempt to feed the kid by putting a spoon up to his ear or his belly button, and attempt to put away his toys in the refrigerator.

insertcaffeine

Some Foot For Thought.

Giphy

My mum would always yell at us "if you don't do X, you have to go to bed without socks!"

I never wore socks anyway, and I'm ashamed to admit that this worked.

Splittsky

That would work really well on my son, or make him cry for a really long time... He's 3 and over the last few weeks has decided that he is fully unable to sleep without socks on.

PJQueen

Toddlers man. Completely unpredictable.

SheaRVA

I'm Greens With Envy

My mum had a friend that would put vegetables on her own plate and not the kids.

When the kids asked she would be reluctant to share, "that's grown up food. But I suppose I can let you have a little."

Her kids grew up loving vegetables.

I sat at the dinner table for 3 hours staring at the yucky cauliflower I refused to eat.

laik72

This reminds me of an instance when my child convinced my wife and myself to change our plans for dinner. We were in a grocery store to pick up something quick and easy to eat that we wouldn't have to prepare. Our daughter, wanted none of that, she demanded that she wanted a salad from the salad bar. We started to argue back, but then realized: "Our child demands that we feed her vegetables for dinner instead of a microwaved meal, why are we saying 'No?'"

We had salad for dinner that night.

Galaxy_Ranger_Bob

The Power Of Choice

I don't so much know if you would call it reverse psychology, but I didn't realize it until my dad told me this.

When there were chores that needed doing, he noticed if he asked me to mow the lawn, I would complain and procrastinate. But if he asked would I rather mow the lawn or wash the windows, I'd pick one and just get it done.

Shattered my brain when he told me when I was in my twenties. I use it when I'm coaching or baby sitting all the time and it almost never fails.

AppealToReason16

The Boy Who Cried 'Ouch'

Giphy

I've done this one with tens of kids. Any time a kid gets "hurt" (falls down on grass, gets gently hit in the face with a ball, etc.) instead of stopping the activity to pick the kid up and see if they're ok you just scoot them off to the side and resume. Within 10 seconds of not getting all the attention and seeing the fun is resuming they pop right back up and are magically healed.

This of course is only for the "injuries" that aren't actually injuries.

pedanticProgramer

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