A young man was flabbergasted after coming face to face with his adolescent past in the form of crusted emissions hardened on his childhood bedroom wall.
Or more mortifying, after his mom discovered his preteen hobby.
As a 12-year-old, the young man would just spray his DNA behind his bed and assumed the substance would conveniently vanish on its own like water.
Redditor "lawrenceugene" posted the hilarious story on the "Today I F'd Up" subReddit about what happened when he helped his folks repaint his bedroom.
The original poster's (OP) stress levels skyrocketed when he moved the bed and discovered his masterpiece of cumulative masterstrokes.
"When I was around 12 years old and just discovering masturbation I had a hard time figuring out where I should 'unload' it."
"I was too afraid to bring tissues into my room as it seemed too obvious so eventually, with my galaxy brain, I realized I could just shoot it down in the gap between my bed and wall."
"At this point I hadn't quite fully developed object permanence and for over a year assumed it was 'evaporating' or something down there, out of sight out of mind... until it was time to paint."
He got a hard lesson about what happens to a buildup of seminal fluid left on the wall resembling a Pollack painting.
"With both of my parents in my room, unscrewing outlet covers, laying blue tape etc. I decided to move my bed and, to my horror a year's worth of cum was crusted, running down the wall."
"I quickly moved it back and tried to devise some reason for why we should paint another day, I decided that if I went and cooked something I could force my parents to come out and eat it while I went back in my room and painted over all the f'ing CUM on my wall."
"Then not only would I be a good boy for cooking dinner, I would also be a good boy for having painted on my own with the added bonus of saving myself some embarrassment."
"I don't remember what I cooked but I wasn't fast enough, when I came back in my mom was on her knees scraping all the dry, flakey cum with some sort of metal tool."
"Before I could say anything she looked at me and said 'This is DISGUSTING. Why would you SPIT all over your wall? If you need to spit do it in the toilet, or just swallow it but you can't spit all over your walls, why would you do that?'"
"I'm almost certain she knew what it was and was saving me from embarrassment, and for that she's a real trooper. I'm 21 now so it may be time to just ask."
And with that, the wisecracks spewed forth.
"Talk about a 'load bearing' wall..." – jerryspecs
"He built a wall and made his mother pay for it." – OkVolume1
This Redditor experienced a similar situation but with a mysterious outcome.
"When I was 12-15 years old, I used to cum in plastic bags and tucked them behind my desk in my bedroom."
"I thought I was clever and hid it from my mom. Then I went on a trip and came back and checked behind desk, and all my cum bags were gone."
"I was too embarrassed to ask but my mom never said anything." – Ihadadream420
Some things are better left unsaid.
"Do NOT ask your mom if she knew. Just don't dude. Tuck your tail and get on with your life." – gaviepants
"Your mom gave you a way out. She knew (and knows, but doesn't remember) and gave you a way out."
"She dealt with it on her side and gave you the option to deal with it too. There's is no guilt, no shame, no anything."
"She saw it, figured it out really quick, thought up with solution that should make everyone feel good and NEVER wants to be reminded of that again. NEVER!!!"
"Full agree, do not ask. She knows, I promise."
"Every parent of teenage boys knows they'll find a disgusting semen stash at some point. Your mother is brilliant and kind for covering for you."
"Bring her flowers next time you see her for being so awesome, and pretend it's 'just because.'" – mrdannyg21
The desiccated jizz of yore could rival asbestos in terms of toxic levels.
"Are you going to repress the fact that from the scraping there was inevitably 'cum dust' which your mom definitely inhaled?" – alopeadope
And why was mom left with the dirty work?
"I can't believe, even if she thought it was spit she didn't make you scrape it off the wall. I just want to know what she thought you were eating to make spit that thick."
"If my 12 year old child left a bunch of crusting bodily fluid all over the wall and I found it...they would absolutely be cleaning it up themselves." – joehooligan0303
What have we learned from this cautionary tale?
"What I take away from this is as the mother of a 13 year old boy I should always make sure there is a box of Kleenex in his room?" – HamiltonIsMyJamilton
"Sweetie, I know you've been a little stuffed up recently so I put some Kleenex next to your bed. I put some lotion in there too, in case your nose gets irritated. Allergies are rough, I know." – ShakespearianShadows
"Both of my kids have always had a tissue box in their room since they were babies. Hopefully when my son hits this stage we'll just have to start replacing that box more often." – SgtMac02
Just don't forget about another crucial element for the room.
"Make sure there is a trash can too or you will just find crusty tissues places they don't belong." – frzn_dad
One mother suggested complete transparency with horny teenage boys.
"What you should know as a mother of teenage boys is that nothing is sacred. I've heard stories of boys f'ing toasters, the fridge, food of all kinds, the couch."
"Your best bet is to just be open with them and try to encourage them to at least clean up and be safe." – RyukanoHi
In other news.
"My friend told me that when he started masturbating he didn't think of lotion...so he used toothpaste. As a lady I was shook." – lallanallamaduck
Thanks for sharing.