Pandemics are no fun. Aside from the obvious terror, we're all feeling a little bit cooped up and cabin-feverish. We're maybe kind of tired of the people we're isolating with. We could probably afford to blow off some steam.
That can be particularly difficult for the recently-single person locked up with their family who needs some private stress relief time, but just can't seem to find it. Yeah, you see where this is going and yes, it's about to get as awkward as you think.
Get out the popcorn.
First let's just put it out there that the prostate is a key part of male sexual arousal and stimulating it directly is something many men find enjoyable if they get around to trying it.
It's not for everyone, but we are absolutely not going to judge it and we're not here to question anyone's sexuality or get weirdly homophobic in the comments, are we? I believe in you people. You can do it.
So our hero -- a young man who lives with his parents while he's finishing up school -- has found himself having just about the worst time you can have in this here pandemic without actually being sick. In short, he left a dildo stuck to the shower wall after playing with it and it caused a whole scene with his mother, father, and much younger brother.
He shared his cringeworthy cautionary tale on the sub-Reddit 'Today I F*cked Up' (TIFU) so that his utter soul-shriveling humiliation might be a little nugget of joy upon your day.
We thank him for his sacrifice cause woooooooooooh this one is a secondhand embarrassment buffet.
OK ... here we go. You ready, fam?
"So I'm a guy, and I live with my parents because rent around here is three grand a month and I'm going to school right now. Up until recently, I was almost never home because I was at work, school, or my girlfriend's. But we broke up a few months ago, (perfect timing, right?) and now with the pandemic and being single, I'm shut up at home with my parents and brother all day. Joy."
"So my girlfriend and I were pretty down to try new things, and we liked using toys on each other. One thing we really enjoyed was her using a strap-on on me. Don't knock it 'till you've tried it, guys. The prostate is magic. I'm hetero, but now I know why you rarely hear a gay guy exclaiming: 'Damn, where can I find a bottom around here? Everywhere I look, nothing but tops!'"
"Anyway, don't underestimate how hot an enthusiastic girl with a strap-on is. (BTW, we had great sex, the breakup had nothing to do with bedroom stuff)."
Alright, so far so good. We have an inconvenient, though financially prudent, living situation. We have a healthy, open-minded, mature, exploratory sex life. The breakup and the pandemic both suck, but there's not really much to be done about either.
Let's keep going.
"Well, I was lonely and reminiscing about old times and I remembered that I still had one dildo we'd bought. Ever hear about "eyes too big for your stomach"? Yeah. It looked a lot smaller in the photo. At least 8 inches, and thick. We rarely used it. But you know what? With perseverance and a strong woman behind you, huzzah, you can do amazing things!"
Continue good sir...
"So I decided to have some "me time" in the shower, remembering the good ol' days. It's the perfect place because everything's easy to clean. So I do my thing, just like old times, big O, come out all relaxed, and go to sleep."
Ready for it?
"Next thing I know, I'm being yelled awake. My dad is going on about "What were you doing!? Actually, I don't want to know!" Guess what I left stuck to the wall in the shower like the world's biggest, angriest light switch?"
"To make things worse, he's not the only one who saw it. See, my much younger brother found it first, didn't know what it was, woke my mom up to show her, and then my dad came to find out what the commotion was about."
"Oops. This isn't "Oh we found this under the bed, but you probably bought this for your girlfriend, right?" Zero plausible deniability. The whole family knows I like baguette-sized dongs up the keister."
My guy. Good lord. Fatal levels of humiliation. Where do we send a funeral wreath? RIP, homie.
The secondhand embarrassment is oh so real. We weren't even there and we want to crawl in a hole. But my parents are both ministers, so maybe the humiliation over my parents knowing details of my sex life is a conservative upbringing thing?
Reddit might have a different reaction.
Nope. The cringe/laugh combo was about it.
"Haha sorry, that was funny. Loved your dad's reaction. I think the worst thing about this is you're quarantined with them/live there, and you cant just leave. And anytime you're in the shower, they're probably gonna think it's dildo time." - hyphylife
"Yaaaasss! Lmfao! Omg! I love the way you tell your story, I mean it sounds horrific. But...the way you word it. Lol! You have a good sense of humor about the whole thing. That's awesome!" - brokenpromisesbabe
"Omg, RIP man.
I have one like that. My teens found it hidden in a box in my closet when they were looking for old family photos. They "confronted" my by busting into the room where I was, sticking the dildo to the door, and yelling, "Mommmm, what is thissss???" A**holes. 😂😂😂
As bad as that was, I feel like having my parents find it would have been worse." - karaokoki
"Wow I can't even reassure you, that is TERRIBLE… I'm 24 F and if I lived at home and left anything like that in the shower, I'd have no choice but to lock myself in the room for the rest of my life" - koala-balla
So ... how's isolation going for you?