Is ignorance bliss?
That is what Redditor "YessireePrime" wanted to know and asked the AITA (Am I the A**hole) subReddit community if he was in the wrong for not telling his wife that his family does not like her.
The Original Poster (OP) wrote:
"I've been married to my wife for the past year three years and dated her for five before that. She's extremely family orientated."
"She loves family and being with family. Her picture of a refreshing day is spending the day with family members."
"Since her mother died pretty young, she became really attached to my mother who likes to baby my siblings and I. She feels like the two of them have a special relationship and she loves it."
Unfortunately, unbeknownst to the OP's wife, she and her in-laws were not on the same page.
"Problem is, my mother doesn't like her. Nor does my father."
"I think they're just really hung up on my previous girlfriend who they were really rooting for. They aren't outright rude to her face and try to be friendly but they can be a bit off behind her back."
"One example would be their nickname for her which is Fiona. Obviously she loves it and sees it as something sentimental but it's actually just a reference to Shrek(only found out last year)."
princess fiona ok GIFGiphy
"Today I was on a call with them and my mom asked how Fiona was."
"I shouted at her to stop using that name (spoken about it before) and warned her against calling her that. My wife overheard the conversation and asked me why I was so upset over it."
"Eventually I told her the truth and she understandably was angry. I gave her space and she called her dad."
"I didn't want to eavesdrop on the conversation but she did call me an a**hole."
The OP was confused as to why his wife wold think of him in that way.
"I understand that she's upset and rightfully so but to be honest I'm struggling to see the wrong in me lying to her about this. She was happy in the ignorance of what was going on, my kids were happy with their grandparents in their lives and I was happy keeping the peace. Aita?"
Anonymous strangers on the internet weighed in by declaring:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- NAH - No A**holes Here
Redditors agreed that the OP's lack of transparency ended up being a betrayal.
"YTA. Instead of confronting, a small, difficult problem early on, you allowed your girlfriend then wife to build a strong love for your parents. Imagine the betrayal she must feel."
"Betrayal from your parents, but also betrayal from you. You, her husband, knowingly allowed her to play the fool for years."
"Your parents are assholes for being two-faced as well."
"You had good intentions, but you done f'ked up." – StupidTruth
This was a headscratcher.
"How in the world did you think this was going to turn out well, OP?"
"Whether now or in 5 years she was going to figure out that your family doesn't like her (and you DEFINITELY should have stuck up more for her - boundaries exist for a reason), and she was always going to be hurt. YTA." – Bookdragon345
"It seems unlikely that's the only reason though. Since OP has never said anything in front of the wife and the wife enjoys the nickname...isn't it possible that OP is either attributing malice where there is none or is blind to what their feelings now look like?"
"Like he's warning them against using this nickname because she wouldn't like it, but she does like it."
"Let's say they did this out of malice initially, realized that she was actually kind of awesome and just kept using the nickname she genuinely likes?"
"I'm just not clear that it being a reference to Shrek makes it obviously malicious or what other basis OP has for his belief they dislike her enough to do this whole thing."
"And she'd have to be completely oblivious to not pick up on it after 8 years. Like, is she really that oblivious or is he exaggerating?" – beldaran1224
This Redditor implied that the insult actually targets the OP.
"Yeah like it being shrek doesn't make it an insult necessarily? Shrek was an ogre. Fiona a princess. If anything the insult would be directed to OP, who as Fiona's husband is Shrek. The actual ogre."
"Fiona is the beautiful princess who chooses love over her own physical beauty. That's . . . not a bad thing."
"ETA: if nothing else OP your parents are sh*t at insults." – br_612
"I guess the fact that Fiona ultimately became an ogre full-time is what the parents are getting at- there's not really a better pop culture reference for a female ogre?"
"Either way yeah, his parents are sh*it at insults." – cp2895
This Redditor said she would be "humiliated" discovering the truth and empathized with the wife.
"I would be horrified and humiliated if I found out they had been making fun of me behind my back for years and my fiancé didn't tell me."
"How absolutely awful. That poor woman. YTA OP for not dealing with this years ago and for allowing your wife to be the butt of your families jokes for eight years." – EliraTheLock
"You should have dealt with this at the beginning and not let it get 8 years later with them still making fun of your wife."
"What kind of husband and father allows his wife/the mother of his kids to be repeatedly and continually made fun of and thinks it's okay because it's behind her back?"
"I'm furious for your wife. Not only has she been the but of jokes for her in laws, but her husband let it go on for years."
"She has no respect in her own family! If you valued and respected your wife and her feelings, your parents should have been cut off u til they accepted the woman you married, not the one they wanted!" – Dachshundmom5
The OP's good intentions to keep his family's view of his wife a secret was unfortunately a big fail.
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