Redditor "ThrowRA_BeanDrama" insisted that what he was about to share with the TIFU (Today I F'd Up) community really happened after a version of the story he posted on the relationship subReddit was unceremoniously removed.
His girlfriend had made the unilateral decision to relocate their surplus goods and buried them somewhere out in the woods for safekeeping from potential looters.
When the OP confronted her and demanded to know where she buried the items he had ordered, she refused to cooperate.
He found out the hard way what happens when canned goods are ranked higher than relationships on the priority list.
As efforts to curb the spread of the global pandemic are forcing people to stay indoors, the OP began describing what his food-hoarding plan entailed.
"With all that is going on, we had stocked up on supplies, including some canned goods. I ordered a few weeks ago 30 cans of beans. 10 are black beans, 10 are kidney beans, and 10 are pink beans. Also, I ordered 15 cans of chickpeas."
"I thought this is a reasonable amount of beans and chickpeas to have every now and then and would last for quite some time."
The stock did not last as long as expected.
"However earlier this week I opened the cabinet because I wanted to make a vegetarian chili using two cans of beans, but all of the beans were gone. What the hell?"
looking where are you GIF by The Academy AwardsGiphy
The missing beans wound up in a location no one would ever expect.
"I asked my girlfriend and she told me she buried all of the beans in the woods."
"At first I thought she was joking, but she explained, no, she had buried the beans in the woods. WTF?"
"I asked her to explain and she told me she was afraid that 'if things get bad' we might have to worry about 'looters or whatever' and that the beans would be in danger of being stolen."
"I said I thought this was completely ridiculous and unlikely. She became angry at me and said she 'is protecting our beans.'"
"According to her logic, the beans are safely buried in the woods behind our apartment complex, and if we ever need some beans she will go to the 'stash' and dig up a can or two, but would prefer if we save them all for 'if things get worse.'"
The girlfriend's purported logic was half-baked.
"I said why only bury the beans, why not bury our more valuable items? She said the canned food was most valuable for long-term means, and that since we get fresh food in our online grocery deliveries, it would make sense to continue to stockpile beans."
"She intends to go bury more beans in the woods every week."
"This was too insane for me and I got very upset. I demanded to know where the beans were buried, and she refused to tell me."
She refused to spill the beans on the top secret location.
"She said if I knew she was afraid I'd dig them up, I said damn right I would. She said 'I will never jeopardize the beans.'"
"The following day I tried to put my foot down, and I'm not usually a foot downer but there are rare issues where compromise is out of the question, and I foolishly decided this was one of those issues."
"I demanded to know where the beans were buried and I told her if she was going to bury beans I paid for in the woods that I would move out. We fought about it and I kept insisting."
"In hindsight I should have just let it go and created my own hidden stash of beans in the apartment, and given her time to maybe cool down about this bean burying scenario, but I blew it all out of proportion."
"Yeah it's weird to bury beans in the woods but why did I have to press it? What's the harm at the end of the day? In the grand scheme of things?"
Sadly, the bean caper came to a disastrous end.
"But I kept demanding her to take me to the beans, or at least draw a map or something, and finally she BROKE UP WITH ME. Over the beans."
"I have lost the love of my life because I couldn't let the damn beans go. I am in disbelief. She moved out. Not only am I heartbroken but I am now paying full rent instead of 50% which is a huge financial issue for me."
Now, fellow Redditors wanted in as to the whereabouts of these priceless beans.
"Go to metaldetecting and see if there is anyone in your area. DM me if you're near Denver. I'll find those f'king beans." – F_bothparties
"I have no metal detector, but I am also near Denver. Perhaps I could bring some guns to protect us while we search, as well as some cupcakes for eating?" – QualmsAndTheSpice
"Depending on where they live it might still be really easy to find where she buried them since it happened recently, unless she's really good at burying treasure."
"It would take a fairly decently sized hole to bury 45 cans of beans, so there would probably be fresh overturned dirt, and a mound of extra soil on top or near by."
"If it's somewhere spring has sprung, there will be a lack of grass in that area, or at least shorter grass and weeds since it hasn't had time to grow back." – ChipLady
The result can be bittersweet.
"When the beans are dug up I can sigh heavily if they are not organic beans. Also, I can bring recipe card for things to make with Aquafaba (the chickpea water)." – Green-Elf
Or we may never rejoice.
"SHE WILL NEVER JEOPARDIZE THE BEANS! She's got a blind no more than 100 feet out by now protecting those beans from looters such as yourself."
"Then she will take your wallet go to your house and loot your beans. Until she is swimming in cans of beans Scrooge Mcduck style."
scrooge mcduck 80s GIFGiphy
"But even then she will not eat them! Oh no no....she will hoard them like a dragon until she is stopped." – ovrlymm
"she never buried the beans. She took them and ran." – 22feetistoomany
"Does she realise the cans will corrode if they are just burried like that in the ground?" – Feelsosophy
Should anyone ever find the beans, they could use the Ultimate Canned Bean Cookbook: Main Dishes, Sides, Soups & More!, available here.
"#JustPandemicThings" – blorpblorpbloop