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Guy Conflicted After Breaking 'Bro Code' By Advising His Friend's Girlfriend To Break Up With Him Due To His Controlling Behavior

A guy had been aware that his bestie was treating his girlfriend horribly, but he maintained the "bro code" by staying out of it.

But by turning a blind eye, Redditor "KindaNotSmart" was allowing his friend to continue being very controlling in his relationship.


Eventually, the Original Poster (OP) suggested she should leave the relationship because his friend "won't change." But the result of that conversation left the OP distressed after having violated this fictional fraternal code.

The OP said he and his close friend "are dating 2 girls that are also close friends."

But when describing his friend in relationships, he didn't mince words.

"When it comes to relationships, my friend is a psycho. He made her delete every guy off of her Snapchat, he has her location and her instagram log in and her Snapchat log in."
"He has 0 trust for her, cusses her out all the time, she can't do anything without asking his approval first not even going out with her parents, he doesn't even let her wear shorts outside."
"She has to filter everything she says because he takes everything the wrong way and cusses her out. She's been very patient for the past 6 months they were dating, but the entire 6 months they fought a lot every single day."

He was privy to the knowledge about the relationship.

"Of course, I knew about everything because my girl would tell me and my friend would tell me. I'm also friends with my girls close friend too and I care about her."
"Basically, her life is hell and she has to censor everything she says and has anxiety 99% of the time because he cusses her out if she doesn't answer his call right away or doesn't respond to his text within 2 minutes."

Finally, the women approached the OP for some advice.

"I felt really bad so I had a talk with her and my girl (they came to me for advice I didn't insert myself) and basically I told her that he's not going to change and if she can't handle this for the next 6 months and the 6 months after that, then she should break up with him."

Almost immediately, the girlfriend acted on her decision prompted by the OP.

"And that same night after talking to me, she did break up with him."
"I feel like sh*t but I'm happy for her because that relationship was ruining this girl and my friend too he would get really crazy. I just feel bad for helping cause him pain."

The OP asked AITA (Am I the A**hole) for breaking bro code?

Anonymous strangers on the internet weighed in by declaring:

  • NTA - Not The A**hole
  • YTA - You're The A**hole
  • ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
  • NAH - No A**holes Here

And commenters gave the OP a dose of reality.

"Right... He needs to discuss with his friend how wrong his actions are. If you see something is wrong, you need to say something. He will act like that with the next girl, and it is not ok. His toxic behavior can escalate to violence." – OGPasguis

This Redditor suggested he would be just as complicit if he didn't intervene.

"This fits uncomfortably in the realm of guys who need to be told to envision women as their own sister/daughter/mother in order to do the right thing."
"OP spoke up to the girl in this case because she's good friends with his girlfriend so he cares about her well-being and didn't want her to suffer. Will he confront his friend? Will he stand up for the next girl this guy destroys?"
"It would be the right thing to do, but if he only does it when he personally knows the girl its ... problematic at least."
"NTA for breaking the 'bro code' but YWBTA if you let him continue to behave like this without confronting him." – cynicallycharged

The concept of the bro code was dissected.

"Sh*t like the 'bro code' rarely means helping out in a positive manner."
"It's usually about obsfucating a sh**ty person's sh**ty behaviour. The idea of a Bro code is generally perpetuated by garbage people to try and get normal people to be complicit in their sh*t, masquerading the peer pressure and manipulation as a normal and healthy part of friendship."
"Abusers out here trying to blend in with the crowd." – WhapXI
"Me and my friends use the phrase bro code, but that's generally just limited to 'don't cockblock each other' and 'help a guy out if he's struggling,' not 'cover for abusive behavior.'"
"I don't think it's an inherently a**holish phrase, though it can be used to justify a**holish things." – joetheschmoe4000
"Bro code is just like the saying boys will be boys. It's been twisted to something its not."
"When I hear boys will be boys I think the real meaning is. Say boys playing in the mud, catching frogs or standing where passing cars will spray you with water from the road."
"But its been twisted to excuse sh**ty behavior. Like treating girls like sh*t or beating up other children." – fakeuglybabies

This Redditor questioned the OP's friendship.

"Your 'close friend' is abusive. He's actively dangerous to women. Why are you friends with someone like that?" – anarmchairexpert
"OP is presently not actually stopping the behavior and borderline enabling it by continuing this friendship and not calling the guy out on being abusive."
"He hasn't tried in any meaningful way to stop the pattern of behavior. And abuse is all about patterns, not just isolated incidents." – wobblebase

This Redditor showed no tolerance towards the OP and suggested he "do better."

"Men like OP are the reason mistreatment of women is still so prevalent."
"He knows it's going on, he knows his friend is a psycho, but at no point did he call his friend out and openly admits that he's a 'psycho' in relationships."
"Chances are, OP's friend is physically abusive too. If not now, then later."
"But it says a lot about OP that he is still friends with this guy, after continued examples of this (relationships plural) nor did he approach his friend, or the girl, and is now wondering if he's the a**hole for ignoring bro code."
"Bro code is what, laughing when your friend tells you he won't let his girlfriend go out with her parents or wear shorts?"
"Do better, OP. ESH x infinity." – sukinsyn

Most Redditors continued to agree that watching someone mistreat another without stepping in is just as problematic.

*If you enjoyed this article, you can read more like it by clicking on the AITA link below.*