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It's really difficult dealing with a parent who doesn't accept who you are. Many people who are LGBTQ+ understand this well.
Sure, sometimes things work out, and they learn to be better people, but sometimes the parent is willful in their choice to remain in ignorance.
It's time we return to our favorite board on Reddit, AITA. For those not in the know, AITA is short for "Am I the A**hole?"
Responses can vary, but Redditors vote with one of these:
- NTA - Not The A**hole
- YTA - You're The A**hole
- NAH - No A**holes Here
- ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
- INFO - Not Enough Information
Let's begin.
Over on the subReddit, user gayandnotashamed explained his situation. To start, our original poster (OP) said his mother's health condition isn't the best.
This is important for later.
"My mother is widowed, without many funds and suffering from heart failure, with an ejection fraction of less than 15% and a bunch of other stuff wrong with her. She isn't eligible for a transplant for a number of reasons and at this point according to optimistic doctors she has another 10 years left."
"Before her diagnosis, she had a lot of money saved for retirement but since then, to pay for all of the medical expenses she has and her expensive meds on a monthly basis she's had to sell her home and move in with me, her only child."
That's pretty heavy, and pretty sad.
Retirement is already a difficult prospect for many Americans, but add in the medical issues and you have a recipe for disaster. Of course, we wouldn't be here if this didn't get more complicated.
Did we forget to mention she's also homophobic and racist?
"So I've been letting her live with me rent free for about three years now since she fell sick. Things have mostly been fine, but that's because I haven't been in a relationship during this time."
"I've had relationships in the past that would end because of my fear of my parents finding out, who were always extremely homophobic, especially my mom."
"My mom isn't homophobic with the excuse of religion, she just blatantly hates the entire LGBT movement and has said some incredibly hurtful things over the years without knowing I'm gay that have stuck with me all my life. She's also racist."
"But, she's my mother, so I accepted her into my home because she didn't have anywhere else to go as no extended family could or were willing to accommodate her."
It's a difficult situation.
On one hand, she's OP's mother and he's doing his best to take care of her. On the other hand, it's painful to know someone so close in your family hates your existence.
It's been easier for OP to avoid controversy since he hasn't told his mom he's gay, but that's little comfort. You shouldn't have to hide who you are.
Things came to a head when OP got in a relationship.
"A few months ago I met my current boyfriend, we'll call him Steve."
"I decided that I'll have some balls and tell my mom I'm gay and introduce Steve to her afterwards judging by her reaction, since she literally lives with me I thought just maybe she could sit and bear it and then find out for herself that her entire world view is wrong after seeing us together for a while."
"Not only did she tell me she's disappointed in me and started crying about how she should have raised me better, she told me I was going to catch aids and die if I stay with him."
Not a great situation.
What is OP going to do?
"I told her she has a month to find other living accommodations and that she can't stay here, and that I don't care where she goes as long as she gets out of my house."
"I said this quite calmly and gave her notice to find someplace, so I think I didn't do anything wrong but other members of my family think that I've practically made my mother homeless, and since no one else wants to accommodate her and she has no funds and a severe disability she'll end up in a shelter."
"Honestly, it's not my problem anymore. I'm sick of sacrificing for her when she can't even accept me for who I am, so if she's homeless, she had it coming."
"But anyway, do you think I'm the AH?"
He later clarified that his mom met Steve, a week after he came out.
He also gave a little more background to her homophobia, including the fact she said she would throw out any child of hers that was gay.
Despite this, some argued that OP was wrong here, and at the very least needed to give a little leeway to his mom.
"As a queer person, YTA here. You invited her into your home knowing her general views of gay people, but now that you've come out you're kicking her out for a reaction that some of us would have loved to have gotten. Disappointment and crying was A LOT better than you might have gotten here."
"You're not an a**hole to come out to her, even while she's living with you, but it takes some people a while to come to terms with it and you really had plenty of warning she wasn't going to be sunshine and rainbows upon first hearing your news." - stink3rbelle
"YTA for priotizing a relationship that may or may not last. it may last for a few months it may last a lifetime who knows but the chances are low and you're giving up your birthgiver for your dick..."
"at least find her a good nursing home instead of telling her to find an "accommodation" you a**. if you think its fine to make your mom homeless you need to reassess your life" - spoec
"YTA, this may come as a surprise, but the way you put it out there, it makes it seam as if you haven't talked to her. NTA for kicking her out, but TA for not talking to her and making it clear, "hey mom, this is ______ he my boyfriend, I need you to accept this I know it's against your beliefs, but I love ______. " Otherwise NTA." - SilverLucket
"YTA." - G0AT_H0RNS
Some even needed a little bit more information to make a call.
"INFO is this an ongoing harassment of you or is this just a single conversation and then she's been ignoring or avoiding the issue? Because if she's in your face then she needs to go but if she just doesn't bring it up then yes, making her homeless over a single conversation that has slighted you is incredibly a**holish." - LazerKhan
But the most resoundingly loud group told OP his conscience has nothing to worry about.
"NTA. All these people complaining about you "making your mother homeless" can take her in if they care so much." - MinFarshaw-
"NTA - Your mothers views are outdated, rude and ignorant and there's no place in this world for them. Whilst I'm sorry to hear about your mothers situation, no loving mother should speak to their son like that especially after you've taken her in." - samuelx94x
"NTA - it's a sh**ty situation but you've already lived a lie long enough for this woman, and you don't owe her anything anymore if she's not willing to let you be you. If she'd rather be homeless than accept who her son is, so be it." - LeaderOTheGorgonites
"My fave part is the family declaring he is making her homeless cuz they dont WANT to help instead" - RickyNixon
Despite all the information we've been given, the right choice here wasn't clear.
We didn't grow up with this woman as our mother and we don't know what his feelings toward her could be.
Whether you think OP should kick her out for being abusive, or he should let her stay because she raised him, an assumption must be made about the relationship.
All the back and forth online gave OP his decision though.
"For everyone who's wondering, I'm 30 years old."
After reading through this thread, I'm heavily leaning towards putting her in an assisted living facility. From other commenters I've gotten tips on how to make that more affordable and it seems like the best course of action."
"However, I'll only go down this path after a grace period of 6 months at most where I'll try to educate her and get her used to the idea. If she makes any homophobic comments towards me or Steve, though, she's out immediately, no second chances because I refuse to put up with it."
"She can bite her tongue and either by the end of the 6 months she'll be so sickened by watching a homsexual relationship unfold that she'll probably want to move out herself, or she won't be able to stop herself from making comments and will be out, or she'll have learned to live with it."
"That's all the time I have to offer her because I've already held back enough of my life for her." - gayandnotashamed
The subReddit judged "NTA" for this situation and OP found a path forward, even if it's not the ideal situation.
As far as internet judgment goes, this is sometimes the best you can hope for.
*If you enjoyed this article, you can read more like it by clicking on the AITA link below.*