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Guy Accused Of Homophobia By His Friend Group After Refusing To Share Bed With Openly Gay Friend While On Vacation

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Sharing a bed with someone can be super awkward, especially if you're not dating them.

Most people would be very understanding of someone not wanting to share.


Reddit user uwannabuylcdtv managed to alienate his entire friend group with the way he relayed his desire to sleep alone during their group vacation.

It's pretty easy to see why by looking at the question he posed to the AmITheA**hole subReddit.

"AITA For refusing to share a bed with the only openly gay friend of our group?"

He began with some important backstory.

"My friendship group of 10 people consists of 7 males and 3 females, 2 of the 3 females are in a relationship with male members of the group. We have been friends for a short while after having met online 2/3 years ago. We are aged 20-24. We are planning a group trip to Amsterdam in May. Female 3 of the group booked an Airbnb in December, we have all paid our share of the price to her and the AirBnb is confirmed. The Airbnb has 5 bedrooms, all of which contain 1 double bed so everyone has to share with someone."
"Female 3 posted in the group chat on Monday morning, telling us she has sorted us into pairs for room/bed sharing, and if we had any problems to let her know. I was working Monday morning so I didn't see the message, and by the time I got a chance to look at my phone, all 8 other people had replied that they were happy. The two couples were sharing. One of the single guys and female 3 were sharing, they have a thing. That left 4 singletons with 2 rooms, the other 2 guys were happy, I was paired with the only openly gay member of our group."

Not wanting to share a bed with his gay friend, and not understanding why phrasing it that way might be problematic, uwannabuylcdtv sent a message to the friend who organized the sleeping arrangements.

"I pm female 3 directly, to avoid confrontation in our group chat, to say that I wasn't comfortable sharing a bed with Sam because of his sexuality, nothing personal at all, I said if it came to it I would be happy to sleep on one of the sofas in the Airbnb so Sam can have his own bed."

Someone's sexuality is definitely something personal.

"Female 3 hits back with the biggest knee jerk reaction and said that I'm being homophobic and deluded if I think Sam is going to 'make a move on me' whilst I'm sleeping."

Uwannabuylcdtv tried to use a false equivalency to convince his friend that he wasn't in the wrong, but it didn't work.

Oddly, insulting her intelligence didn't seem to convince her either.

"I replied that she is a complete and utter f*cking moron and that I am very aware that Sam wouldn't do that, but it was a matter of principle. I asked her how she would feel to share a small double bed with one of the single guys from our group."
"She replied 'that is completely different', to which I said 'now who's being homophobic?'"
"5 minutes after I sent that, female 3 posts our private conversation to our whole group."

Publicly sharing a private conversation definitely isn't OK, even if you think one of the participants is being a colossal jerk.

"This led to 3/10 other people in the group calling me out saying that it wasn't cool, and Sam didn't even reply to the message, poor guy."
"I found out through one of the females in the group: Sam told her that what I said made him feel insecure about his sexuality."

He did make an attempt to apologize to Sam in the aftermath of the situation, but probably just managed to alienate him further.

"I messaged Sam and told him I'm sorry about how what I said came across, that wasn't my intention, but our room arrangement made me feel uncomfortable and I won't apologise for speaking out when I'm made to feel uncomfortable."
"He just reacted heart reacted the message without a reply."

Uwannabuylcdtv just couldn't seem to understand why his friends might be offended at his offensively stated reason given for not wanting to share a bed.

"I'm pretty sure 50% of the group think I'm being an asshole about this, maybe the others do too but they're keeping their mouths shut."
"I cannot see from their point of view how I've come across as an a**hole, maybe I am seeing through a red veil because this has really pissed me off."

He made several edits to his post in an attempt to clarify his position, but they largely just served to muddy the waters.

"If I had to share a bed with another female where I knew we were both single and not interested in eachother, it would make me feel uncomfortable, I am a private person and like my own space."
"I am most pissed off because Female 3 posted our private conversation publicly."
"Piggybacking on /u/Feroc here. If the genders were reversed, and I was a straight female not wanting to share a small bed with a straight guy, would I be the a**hole still?"

Uwannabuylcdtv continued to insist he was not homophobic, while making more homophobic comments.

"YES this is completely related to Sams sexuality. I would not be comfortable sharing a bed with any gay person, nor would I be comfortable sharing a bed with a straight, single female."
"Not because I am a 'homophobe' like some of you are saying, but because they are naturally attracted to my sex (Male). If not wanting to share a bed with someone that is naturally attracted to my sex, not me necessarily, makes me an a**hole, then yep, I'm an a**hole."
"So Reddit, in your opinion, was I the a**hole here?"

The general verdict seemed to be that everyone was in the wrong—except poor Sam who never asked to be the subject of such strife.

Many people commented that uwannabuylcdtv's desire to avoid sharing a bed, and setting that boundary, weren't why he was wrong—he was wrong because he stated his friend being gay was the reason he wouldn't share a bed.

"You made a mistake by stating that you didn't want to share the bed with him specifically. You very well could have just stated that you don't want to share a bed and slept on the couch."
"The fact that you made it about his sexuality is what made things dicey and comes across as homophobic. Be more diplomatic in your approach." -thesneakywalrus
"ESH [Everyone's Sh*tty Here] except Sam."
"F3's decision to post a private conversation to the rest of the groupchat was a dick move, but the way you first approached your concerns to her did seem a little bit homophobic at first glance. As others have said, the idea that gay guys are going to be predatory towards straight guys is an old stereotype. Not to mention Sam is a friend and presumably trustworthy."
"You could've just asked Sam if it was ok if you took the couch in the room instead. He probably wouldn't have thought anything about it." -Jokerang
"ESH. You don't want to share a bed with him because of his sexuality - have a real think about why this makes you uncomfortable. Are you worried he will make a move on you? Harass you? Molest you in your sleep? Do you think he will not be able to control himself around you? In all honesty if you think this about someone just because of their sexual orientation, you sound like a crappy friend..."
"I can't even begin to explain as a gay woman how hurt I would be if one of my female friends said this to/about me. I'm their friend and they know me, but if they thought as soon as we're in proximity in pajamas I'm not to be trusted and they feel uncomfortable around me just because I'm gay then I don't know how much of a "friend" I would consider them."
"And obviously female 3 is also TA for sharing a private conversation - there are better and more constructive ways to handle this than bringing everyone else into it and publicly making Sam feel awkward." -ThirdTimeLucky
"You say in one of your edits something about not wanting to share a bed with someone that is naturally attracted to your sex but not to you.....if he's not attracted to you, what's the problem? That's why this feels homophobic--because it feels like you're assuming that he's going to prey on you just because he's attracted to men."
"If you're not attracted to a woman, and she were scared to platonically bed share as in this situation, wouldn't it make you feel a little gross--like she was afraid of you for no reason? That's likely how Sam felt. Is there a reason you felt the need to specifically call out Sam's sexuality when explaining why you didn't want to room share? Why wouldn't you just say 'Hey, I'm a sweaty sleeper, I'm just gonna crash on the couch.' That's the other reason why this feels homophobic. There are a million acceptable ways to get out of bed sharing--and you chose the homophobic way. That says a lot about you."
" Having said that, Female 3 is also the asshole for sharing a private conversation, so I'm going to go with everyone's the a**hole. Except Sam." -TMKAD
"'Sam didn't even reply to the message, poor guy.' "
"YTA. You say poor guy like you had no part in upsetting him. He's your friend, he's not going to try it on with you. What you did was essentially imply he can't control himself and you find his sexuality off putting."
"Edit: You have added more to your post now saying that it's a space issue. You need to improve on your communication skills. You are going on a holiday where you are only comfortable sharing a room with 2 out of 9 guests. You should have said you wanted your own room from the beginning." -andwhiskersonkittens
"Straight men be terrified that gay men will treat them the way they treat women (ETA: Please don't call women "females" unless you're a mortician or a Ferengi)." -lordnewington

Wanting to avoid sharing a bed because you're a private person and need your space is perfectly understandable. Refusing to share a bed with your gay friend and blaming the fact that he is gay is definitely not.