COMICSANDS
percolately
georgetakei
secondnexus
george's picks
Quietly leaving after a purely physical sexual encounter is guilt-ridden enough when it occurs in the vacuum of one's own emotions, on display for nobody.
It becomes exponentially worse when the act of leaving involves immediately confronting the fallout of another purely physical sexual encounter.
And both partners are related.
The "walk of shame" is a cultural institution. The libido-fueled cloud of desire from the prior evening faded sometime in the night while both parties slept.
In the morning after no strings attached, transactional sex, there is one goal on a person's mind: remain invisible, get home without interacting with anybody and reflect in the shower.
BlewOffMyLegOff—as the master of ungraceful exit is known on Reddit—begins his hook-up story by establishing the setting: a place where transactional sex abounds.
"So for a little bit of context, I live near a rather large college campus, tons of girls go to local bars nearby and I hooked up with this girl one night 6 months ago. One and done deal, no hurt feelings about it."
The foreshadowing here is clear.
He continues on to the sexual encounter at hand, no doubt sparked by a dating app.
"Fast forward to a week ago, I match with an older woman, she's in her 40s and I'm in my mid 20s, we exchange messages and arrange to meet for drinks on Friday. We meet, things go very well, she asks me back to her place, I agree stupidly."
"Stupidly," used here, is likely the product of hindsight.
Based on the tale thus far, this man does not appear to be prudish at such a moment in the date.
"When we get back to her place, i think to myself that this place looked familiar, but ignored that and proceeded with the hook up."
"Follow your gut" has never felt like such good advice.
BlewOffMyLegOff had the solution in his grasp; he smelled that things were awry.
But he pressed on toward hedonism and the inevitable come down (which would strangely involve eggs, as the reader will learn).
"She asked me to spend the night, I agreed stupidly, and when I woke up the next morning to leave I smelled breakfast cooking. To my absolute shock and dismay her daughter locked eye contact with me."
"It's the girl from 6 months ago. I was able to fumble together an excuse to leave and noped out."
"Single most awkward experience of my life."
Needless to say, the Reddit community was way more positive about the whole thing, tossing around jokes and questions.
After all, it's far easier to derive enjoyment when you're not the one locked into eye contact with an old flame, a phoenix rising from the ashes and you just had sex with mama bird.
First, there were outlandish suggestions.
"Should've asserted dominance and introduced yourself as her new daddy." -- WeakPressure1
"Hard mode: Now you have to bang the dad." -- KriegerBahn
"I want an update when you match with grandma." -- _OneTwo_
"You are still young enough that you got a chance with a granddaughter when she turns 21." -- robbdavenport
"When you woke up and smelled breakfast cooking, that was the beginning of Act II." -- enormusschwanzstucker
"Dude you were about to get free home cooked breakfast after a hookup. Your only f*ck up here was leaving." -- skraz1265
"I've watched and researched this a lot! you should of stayed for hot threesome sex." -- dirtyundies12
Some got over their laughter and swooped in with some logic and reasoning.
Nerds.
"If the mom is having college aged guys near campus spend the night knowing her daughter will run into them, chances are they don't really care about sharing hookups." -- CMDR_KingErvin
"If he got them both pregnant how would the kids be all related." -- sailorjasm
It is unclear where the narrator of this story ultimately ate breakfast. Maybe there's a story there too.