We've all shared an office with that guy who insists on microwaving fish at lunch and making the entire office gag on the smell.
Well readers, we regret to inform you legendary author Stephen King is one of those guys.
Now you know why people from Maine prefer to be called Maineiacs instead of Mainers.
King recently shared his recipe for microwaved poached salmon on Twitter, and it has fans far more horrified than any book could ever do.
See the recipe below, if you feel like losing your mind in horror.
Dinner: Get a nice salmon filet at the supermarket, not too big.\nPut some olive oil and lemon juice on it.\nWrap it in damp paper towels.\nNuke it in the microwave for 3 minutes or so.\nEat it.\nMaybe add a salad.— Stephen King (@Stephen King) 1650420628
The recipe starts off so good, doesn't it?
"Dinner: Get a nice salmon filet at the supermarket, not too big."
"Put some olive oil and lemon juice on it."
Could probably use at least some salt and pepper, but so far so good, right?
Well, don't be so sure because the next step is where it all starts making the fear rise in your throat.
"Wrap it in damp paper towels."
Why would we—
"Nuke it in the microwave for 3 minutes or so."
Oh no no no no.
Mr. King no!
Respectfully, absolutely not.
"Maybe add a salad."
This bit of advice we will take, because we've got to eat something and microwaved paper towel salmon shall not be it.
Especially because apparently, it's not exactly safe as actor Patricia Arquette pointed out to the master himself.
2 chemicals found in paper towels are Chlorine & Formaldehyde. Chlorine is used to make the paper towel white . Like thermal (receipt) paper, Paper Towel have been found to contain Bisphenol A (BPA), even paper towel made from recycled paper.— Patricia Arquette (@Patricia Arquette) 1650429026
King, of course, is arguably the most celebrated author of thrillers and horror stories in the English language, with about a gazillion book awards decorating his mantle and a trove of hit film adaptations under his belt.
Suffice to say, the man knows a thing or two about scaring the ever-loving crap out of people.
But on Twitter at least, no amount of murderously telekinetic high school outcasts or cannibalistic clowns could ever hold a candle to the fear this fish recipe struck into the hearts of tweeters everywhere.
The smell of microwaved fish is more horrifying than anything you have penned & I say this as an admirer who can barely watch a trailer or see a book jacket with your name on it without getting next level scared.— Stephanie Ruhle (@Stephanie Ruhle) 1650428211
really incredible the kind of horror king can summon with just a few wordshttps://twitter.com/StephenKing/status/1516600154153005056\u00a0\u2026— b-boy bouiebaisse (@b-boy bouiebaisse) 1650472840
Is this why Pennywise keeps eating children? Cuz you did this to him?— Ian Fortey Thinks You Should Read His Books (@Ian Fortey Thinks You Should Read His Books) 1650420820
pic.twitter.com/4GIooVoAkl— \u2699\ufe0fMach\u2699\ufe0f (@\u2699\ufe0fMach\u2699\ufe0f) 1650429708
I eat it raw in front of the deli clerk while asking them what they think the last thought that went through the fish\u2019s mind was, before telling them.— Comment Etiquette (@Comment Etiquette) 1650421192
i love that you're still cranking out horror like this, king. you still got it boo.https://twitter.com/StephenKing/status/1516600154153005056\u00a0\u2026— in charge of the girls (@in charge of the girls) 1650513152
Put the dish down and leave the kitchen. Walk straight to your nearest river or beach and prostrate yourself. Now beg for forgiveness from the fish gods.— Upper Left Coast (@Upper Left Coast) 1650422561
I live in Western Maine. Please let me come over and cook you a proper fucking meal. Jesus Christ.— Jackie Bouvier (@Jackie Bouvier) 1650466587
Writing 12 thousand words in an afternoon then eating some Bounty poached salmon— queen of the harpies (@queen of the harpies) 1650421260
If you're like King and insist on cooking fish in the microwave, chef Christopher Arturo told TODAY you should add salt and pepper, swap the paper towel for an actual cloth towel, and save the lemon for after you're done cooking.
Whatever, just please don't do this when other people are around, okay?