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Did you know your own phone can turn you gay?
It really can't.
But one Russian man would have you—and Apple, whom he is currently suing—believe otherwise.
A man whose public identity is currently listed as "D. Razumilov" is filing suit against Apple for "moral suffering and harm to mental health" after he downloaded a gay dating app.
"The plaintiff, identified as D. Razumilov, alleges that he became “mired in same-sex relationships” this summer af… https://t.co/sYZILyEjhG— mat whitehead (@mat whitehead) 1570066849.0
The plaintiff claims he received 69 GayCoins on an app on his iPhone in 2017, which is objectively hilarious, and that the receipt of such suggestive currency led him directly into the marshes of gaydom.
Reportedly the payment said "don't judge without trying."
To which the plaintiff responded:
"I thought, indeed, how can I judge something without trying it? And decided to try same-sex relationships."
The plaintiff continued in his complaint:
"I can say after the passage of two months that I'm mired in intimacy with a member of my own sex and can't get out. I have a steady boyfriend and I don't know how to explain it to my parents."
@matwhi The plan is working!!!! The Gay Agenda is almost complete. https://t.co/a2jWfdllzq— Space Force Rear Admiral, pew pew (@Space Force Rear Admiral, pew pew) 1570066926.0
@matwhi I can't even read this story. The headline alone is so brilliantly stupid, as is the super-gay plaintiff.— ŤöÐĎ 🙈🙉🙊 (@ŤöÐĎ 🙈🙉🙊) 1570072376.0
@matwhi I can conclusively say that is the most bizarre tweet I've seen today - and it had plenty of competition !— Tessa Hosking (@Tessa Hosking) 1570067041.0
@matwhi Is mired what the kids are calling it now?— kathmayer 💫 (@kathmayer 💫) 1570072434.0
"After receiving the aforementioned message, my life has changed for the worse and will never be normal again."
No comment was made on how many men would literally kill for a steady boyfriend two months after coming out.
@matwhi I am going to be honest. I am clearly missing A LOT of GayCoins.— 🎃Warrior of Spookiness🎃 (@🎃Warrior of Spookiness🎃) 1570068197.0
@matwhi that is Genius (Bar) (up)— Simon Burke AO (@Simon Burke AO) 1570068367.0
@Aelkus There’s a 99% chance this is your prototypical Insane Pro Se Complaint, but I am still trying to imagine ho… https://t.co/9x1OiYVPqA— The End Times (@The End Times) 1570078251.0
@outmagazine Oh for christ's sake.— Fabulous Abomination (@Fabulous Abomination) 1570069560.0
@outmagazine Now I’ve heard everything! List causes of homosexuality: 1. Biology 2. iPhones 3. 🤪🤪🤪 Cause and eff… https://t.co/CBaiQ82v1x— Marty Weiss (@Marty Weiss) 1570068261.0
The plaintiff is suing Apple for $15,000 for the emotional distress of dating a man steadily.
Meanwhile, gay men everywhere are left wondering if it was secretly their iPhone that turned them gay.
@outmagazine My iPhone makes me happy, too. And?— Americo Nonini (@Americo Nonini) 1570070213.0
@tlrd https://t.co/gPtMnv0qI5— MidwestCharm (@MidwestCharm) 1570040538.0
@tlrd Awesome. That means I can sure apple because it made me 'Annoyed'.— David Benbow (@David Benbow) 1570038211.0
Apple, please, you have all my details, you know where to find me https://t.co/FCXQltG1Dy— Anna (@Anna) 1570067825.0
Discovery on this one's gonna be a wild ride. https://t.co/YraWfczwVI— Michael Weiss (@Michael Weiss) 1570047018.0
Except not really, because we were gay a long time before iPhones were even thought of.
The movie Cell, available here, based on the Stephen King book of the same name features something else your cellphone can't do: kill you.
*****
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