The Weirdest Things People Have Overheard While Pretending To Be Asleep

We've all—at some time or another—pretended to be asleep.

Maybe we just didn't want to get out of bed. Maybe we didn't feel like talking to anyone.

Or maybe we were feigning sleep in order to eavesdrop on a conversation or phone call.

Reddit user surajking002 asked:

"What's the weirdest thing you've overheard while pretending to be asleep?"

Strangers On A Train

"I heard a teenager’s whole life story—including every stint in juvie—while pretending to be asleep on a train from Carbondale to Chicago."

"I thought falling asleep would get him to stop talking to me."

"It did not."

~ SafetyDanceInMyPants

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Talking Smack

"'Best friend'/roommate coming to check and see if I was still in the room."

"I was, just under the blanket."

"Then when he thinks the coast is clear, he proceeds to talk about wanting to beat my a** and a bunch of other random sh*t about me."

"I cut contact after ending the lease early."

"He of course came crawling back about a year or two later and I just saw the same signs so I’ve cut contact since."

"Dude was/is a massive alcoholic and narcissist, the type to get all your friends to gang up on you when you wrong him."

~ Thran_LEGACY

Kissing Cousins

"My cousin [having sex with] our cousin."

"Later on in life I found out we weren’t really related, our moms were just friends for a long time."

"Still weirds me out, though."

"None of us were blood cousins, but we were all raised as cousins."

~ 14412442

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Timber!

"My husband farted SO LOUD I literally thought a tree fell on our house."

"True story."

"It was impressive yet concerning!"

~ Ready-Math-3775

Wrestling Practice

"My 10-year-old sister climbing up onto the back of my bedpost."

"I pretended to be asleep as the bed shook because I was curious what she was doing."

"Then, I heard, 'YAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!' as she jumped off the foot of my bed and landed directly on top of me."

"Knocked the wind out of me."

~ faceboobs701

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Dungeon Master

"My daughter explaining to our cat and non-existent dogs that they have to all be super quiet because daddy's very tired."

"And if they made a noise she'd lock them in her dungeon with the mean boys."

~ mattthepianoman

Cat Chat

"I am very gassy in my sleep so I overheard my wife talking to our cat:"

"'Sometimes he toots really loud before a poop comes out'."

"To which our cat meowed back."

~ Drewtendo_64

"I suspect the cat is aware."

~ HeavenlySin13

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Donald‽‽

"I was sleeping on the job but then I woke up partly. Didn't wanna move yet because nothing was going on that day so I just laid there with my eyes closed."

"I heard a coworker, whom I'm on friendly terms with and talk sh*t with constantly, come into the office area. He spoke to another coworker, walked past me, and then I heard him stop."

"I could feel that he was staring at me. All of a sudden..."

"'What the... This boy's hands are small as hell...'."

"And then he kept on walking. I could only be offended."

~ Shiyakazing

Repent!

"When I was sharing a room with my cousin in a rented house at Cape Cod, Massachusetts [USA], my cousin, who was prone to dust allergies, usually fell asleep with a nebulizer. I was having trouble falling asleep and was tossing and turning."

"Eventually, my aunt came into the room to shut my cousin's nebulizer off and started talking to him in his sleep. Saying how she loved him but that he was going to Hell."

"That he had to get right with God and fix his behavior, or Hell would be all he knew."

"My aunt was never super religious or said these kinds of things to him when he was awake, so it was just weird to hear her stand over his bed and say it to him while he was sleeping."

"Well, my cousin was a little bit of a sh*t when we were little. He was a bit of a wise a** and his mouth has gotten him into trouble on multiple occasions."

"A few years ago, he got sued by his landlord for slander. When that story was spread around our family, nobody was surprised."

"It's funny because he's a doctor of microbiology and still has run-ins with the police."

"I'd imagine that this was my aunt's way of venting her frustration at my cousin without him talking back."

~ WeenisPeiner

Hit The Road

"My ex from like 10 years ago talking to the man she was cheating on me with."

"Her: 'I cant wait to see you, I love you'."

"Her: 'No, he doesn't matter, I want you so badly, my body craves you'."

"'Who says stuff like this?' is what I was thinking at the time."

"Me (rolls over): 'You better get going then, huh?'."

"She left and then had the nerve to get angry at me for piling all of her stuff out by the garbage and for having retrieved my apartment key from her purse while she was 'getting ready' to leave—putting on the lingerie I got her."

"It was so surreal."

~ Goatiusman

🎵 B-O-L-O-G-N-A 🎶

"'Hey, do you think he'll notice if I take his last piece of bologna?'."

"Then me yawning and pretending to wake up."

"Two minutes later, I go get me a bologna sandwich."

~ Inside-Kindly

"I wouldn't even pretend."

"I'd just sit bolt upright like Night of the Living Dead and walk over and eat the last piece of bologna while looking the dude in the eyes."

~ Banned3rdTimesaCharm

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Boys = 😴💩🥡

"My daughter explained to her brother I have to sleep all the time because boys are like dogs. We just sleep, use the bathroom and eat all the time."

"I guess that is fair."

"But she also said that she didn't need to sleep unless she wanted to go to sleep. Which was straight-up bullsh*t because she's been falling asleep all around the house for a decade plus at this point."

~ Dubious_Titan

The Miracle Of Birth

"After my son was born I was laying in the hospital bed exhausted and listening to my husband and best friend talk. So, we’re all in my hospital room, the baby is off for testing, and my husband and best friend are talking quietly while they think I’m asleep."

"That’s when I hear it."

"The longest, loudest, wettest most cartoony sounding fart noise of my young life. It went on forever and after it came a long, awkward silence where I’m sure my supposedly sleeping face became redder and redder."

"This sound, you see, was me…expelling the air/gases that had built up during delivery/around my son for 9 months."

"Then they started laughing and I still had to pretend that I was asleep. I was mortified!"

"To their credit, they didn’t mention it when I woke up. Not right away, at least, but at some point when it finally did come up I had to explain to them that it wasn’t flatulence."

~ Bubblystrings

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Secrets

"That my stepsister wasn't actually the daughter of my stepdad. I was like 13 years old, and I wound up telling my mom I heard her in the car."

"I wasn't trying to eavesdrop, I truly was trying to sleep, but then I heard that and just continued on pretending to be asleep."

"I don't know if she ever found out..."

"My mom was telling my aunt, and I felt so guilty because she thought I didn't hear it. I immediately came out with it on our way back home, and she made me promise not to say anything."

"Hardest secret I ever had to keep. I honestly don't know if I'd want to know if situations were reversed."

"That was almost 30 years ago, and they're no longer step family and haven't spoken to them in a couple of decades."

~ InflexibleAuDHDlady

❤️ Ray ❤️

"My hubs telling our granddaughter how we met and how much he loved me. When she asked why he loved me, he said because I loved him more than anyone else."

"She said 'no sir pawpaw, I love you more than anyone else'. I heard him crying and she started crying."

"He died a week after he told her that story. I think he knew that his time was near."

"I believe that he is waiting in a paradise that he and I talked about many times. It is the paradise we imagine our afterlife to be like."

"He said he was going ahead to get it ready so when I get there it's perfect for me."

"It helps me to talk about Ray, he was everything to me. If I can talk about him and even one person enjoys what I say, then he lives on in some small way."

~ crazymomma4198

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Playing possum happens for a lot of reasons.

Have you ever overheard anything while feigning slumber?