Waiters Reveal The Most Horrendous Things They've Heard While Working.

If you ask a waiter, any waiter, to tell you their favorite or most harrowing story about serving tables you better be prepared to spare a few days and a case of your finest bourbon.

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Waiters are the witnesses to the best and absolute worst of humanity. And what people tend to ignore is that waiters are live people.

It's like seeing live theatre and not a movie. You can talk back to the screen; in theatre, the actors CAN HEAR YOU! 

Waiters aren't ghosts, and what tales they have to share. 

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Redditor Romantic_Amoeba asked waiters of Reddit to share their most horrendous tales, and the responses were... unbelievable.

Guess you're out of the will.

I was delivering food to a large table that looked like they were on a family reunion vacation when I overheard a grandpa asking one of the younger (12 or 13?) grandchildren if he they had fun that day. The kid responded with "F- you grandpa I can't wait until you die.". I almost dropped all the plates in shock.  Alternate_Ending74

Always check with Ancestry.com first.

In a Witherspoons and there was a slight lull in the Friday night noise and a buddy and I overheard a girl say "Well technically he isn't my brother so I shagged him" to which her friend replied "But you have the same Dad". ElPapaDiablo

Sometimes it's just bloat. 

I overheard a customer talking about someone "coming and being so much fun". I assumed she was pregnant because she seemed to be showing a bit. I decided mid way through the dinner to congratulate her on being pregnant. To my horror she said "I am not pregnant". I felt horrible. I told my manager who comped their meals and I hid in the back for the rest of their dinner. Push comes to shove she refused to let the manager comp her meal and left me a $20 tip with a note that said "I was kidding I'm due in July."  xjman349

Oh somethings always merit a scene.

Had a guy confess to banging his SO's sister when I brought their drinks to them. It was an anniversary. I guess he thought it would be the least likely place for her to cause a scene. She caused a scene. captaincous

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Choose your words wisely!

I was bussing this table and I can hear these two guys speaking in Vietnamese to each other. One asks the other what they think about me. The guy responds and said I'm cute but I have a flat chest. Also in my defense we had to wear these oversized unisex shirts that was not flattering. But anyways, I just keep doing what I'm doing and continue on. When they came to the register to pay one asked me what nationality I was and I smiled and said I'm Vietnamese . They looked shocked; then asked me if I spoke it, which I responded I did. Then he asked me in Vietnamese if I'm understanding him right now and I responded back in viet that yes I do. They didn't say anything else and left.  Stanced2JZ

#boybye. 

We had a couple who would come in regularly and always asked to be seated in my coworker's section. They were probably in their 60s and were always really affectionate and cute with each other. My coworker would joke around with them all the time.

One day the man came in with a different woman than usual, and my coworker jokingly told him "ooooh, you're in trouble. I'm going to tell your wife you were here with another woman."

Woman said "Excuse me? I am his wife. Who the hell has he been coming here with?" Dead awkward silence while she death-glares at her extremely uncomfortable-looking husband. My coworker just turned around and walked away.

zapatodulce

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Don't give up.

Older couple at Bob Evans.

"I just wish I could die already."

"I know dear."      nn30

Careful what you're swallowing. 

When I was a waiter, people often pretended that I wasn't there. The stories they told were crazy and personal. One woman at a table of 6 lunching ladies told the story of how her husband was recently prescribed viagra. "He took it like a vitamin - 1 pill every morning. He kept having erections at work and didn't understand why."    ninja_at_law

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That never happens at Little Ceaser's! 

I used to be a manager at a Pizza Hut. Big extended redneck family comes in, with parents and kids. Standard visit, and they stood up to leave when 2 of the guys started yelling at each other. Their wives/gfs got in on it and turned it up a notch by getting in a vicious slapfight. Best part? Both of the women were holding babies at the time.  turnburn720

Someone call Maury.

Two top at a pretty restaurant on the lake. Married couple obviously on the rocks... the guy quite obviously wanted to stay together and she was having none of it. Hushed arguing at the table the entire meal. As I am dropping the check he asks, "what about the baby?" She replies "you don't have to worry about that.. it's not yours!" And storms off. Poor guy was weeping when I returned with the credit card slips.  ColPhorbin

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Somethings are better left unsaid. 

My girlfriend waits tables. One time a creepy man said to her "when I have sex with my wife, I think of you instead."

The wife sitting at the table didn't seem bothered by this fact.

I also bought my girlfriend pepper spray and a tazer soon after.    coach_whackbat

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Always have an alibi.

I worked at a restaurant where you pay at the table and if you wanted a receipt, the server would go print it out and bring it back to you. I was waiting on a woman who every other server refused to deal with because she was such a hassle (she came in all the time). Complained about everything, basically made up her own menu items, etc. At the end of the meal when she was paying I asked if she needed a receipt, she said yes because she wanted proof she was here at this time in case she was accused of murder that night. Probably not the weirdest but the first one that comes to mind.  kkaaalll

Nothing to see here people.

Party of 5 or 6, its a group of friends having dinner. In walks a clown. Clown starts randomly walking around the restaurant doing balloon animals for kids and shit like that. I have no idea what the fuck is going on, we didn't hire this guy. He walks over to the table of 5 or 6 and selects a man from the table to perform a magic trick for. He did the trick, a small flash of smoke and fire happens and then magically there is an engagement ring on a rope. The man takes the ring and the woman gets on her knees and asks the man to marry her. The man says no, tells her to get up and they continue dinner. This table now has the attention of the entire restaurant (like 300-400 people on our busiest night). Everybody just turned away and started awkwardly eating like nothing happened.  did_it_right

When nature calls... you answer.

I heard a little girl say "excuse me," as soon as I got to the table. I thought she was going to ask a question so I said "yes ma'am?" and she said "Oh nothing I just farted."  bigwilly311

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This ain't pretty woman.

Worked at an airport and I was cleaning the tables while I overheard a man and his high class prostitute he had flown In, talk about terms and conditions as well as ordinary things. Apparently It was the first time he'd done It and he was nervous his wife would somehow find out. They discussed do's and don'ts and well you get the Idea. But In all honesty the bloke seemed like a shy guy, didn't look bad, and the hooker was exemplary In the way she treated him. And the money she earned was more than my monthly salary. [deleted] 

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You be you.

I love this!

"I'm gay!"

"No crap, you getting the sampler or what"  Xyranthis

Making it rain.

Heard a group of 3 women talking about how each of their 4th/5th/ whatever many marriages are going and how they treat marrying for money as their career.

One of them paid with their newest husband's black AMEX card.   MistaFANG

Always get a second and THIRD opinion. 

I was taking a private party of hospital execs who were talking about the false DNR problem they were having. Paperwork somehow got switched and people who had signed DNRs were revived while healthy patients were allowed to code and die. hikerfag

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Once more for old times sake.

Bartender here and while I have heard just about everything my favorite has to be when these two adorable 80ish year old men walked in one night. They spent two hours at the bar planing out what I thought was a simple camping trip. As the night went on I figured out they were planing one last acid trip in the woods for old times sake. Still to this day they are the coolest people I have ever served and that includes eric andre.  Chodysmallz

H/T : Reddit, Romantic_Amoeba