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Guy Sparks Debate After Outing Girl He Hooked Up With To His Entire University For Not Disclosing That She Had An STI
Questions asked online can lead to some very hot takes.
Maybe your answer is nuanced, backed by research and strong moral fiber.
Or maybe you like to get indignant and loud and everyone pays attention because of that.
Who can say for certain?
Over on our favorite Reddit board, "AITA" or "Am I The A-hole?" we have anonymous user Jfhfkshf asking the titular question.
What has he done?
He outed a woman for having an STI.
You know you've got something good when the mods lock comments shortly after the post goes up.
If you're not familiar with this subReddit, commenters give four designations to the posts:
NTA - Not The A-hole
YTA - You're The A-hole
ESH - Everyone Sucks Here
NAH - No A-holes here
While he believes himself to be in the right, Jfhfkshf got some backlash for his actions and is trying to clear his conscience. However, it may prove difficult, as his situation has split the room.
Jfhfkshf gets right to the point.
" To cut a long story short, I slept with a girl called Madison at a toga party. We had both been drinking but not in anyway drunk. Just a couple beers. The next morning a friend approached me and asked why I slept with her when she has herpes. I had no idea and obviously would not have slept with her had I known. I was annoyed she did not disclose this and feel she had a moral obligation to do so before sleeping with anyone."
"When I confronted her she admitted she has genital herpes but said it wasn't a big deal, it never flares up, she hasn't passed it on to anyone etc. I don't really care for these excuses, and when I pushed her for an apology she said I was being a pansy."
STIs can feel scary.
Considering 1 in 6 Americans carry herpes, the chance of getting it is pretty high. The girl probably should have said something, right?
But does that mean she deserves what happens next?
"Following this incident, I took it upon myself to share her herpes status on our university's Facebook pages anonymously. I did this so that other men (or women, if she swings that way) don't get tricked also. Although it's obviously me that did it, she can't prove it, and I haven't gotten in trouble for it."
"That said, she has organised a campaign against me for "slut shaming" and "harassment" against her for the posts, and successfully convinced a few groups of my guilt. The posts in question were literally bland and vanilla: "Beware of X. She has genital herpes and does not disclose this fact to those she sleeps with." Absolutely no mean words or slurs."
People were quick to side with Jfhfkshf.
As he pointed out, herpes is transmitted sexually, and the girl didn't disclose she had it.
"NTA
If she decides she wants to have casual sex, it's fine, but she needs to disclose any STIs to ANYONE she intends to sleep with. What she did to you may actually be a crime where you live. If I were you, I'd reach out to your university counseling for information and I'd get tested yourself. Even if she doesn't have symptoms she could still have passed it to you." - milkymilkchan
"NTA, f*** people like her (not literally though, you don't want that STI).She's saying you're "slut shaming" well if she's having sex with people and potentially infecting them then she could use a little shaming." - Archon__X
Some pointed out that he probably saved some guys from sleeping with the girl in question.
"NTA - and she is by the way. Transmitting an incurable disease without warning someone you are infected is a terrible thing to do. Good on you for spreading the word. She may be giving you grief, but think about the guys she ~hasn't~ infected with her STD, because you warned them.
Also, while I know you're young, don't have sex with people without a recent STD test that shows they are clean. You should have one as well to show them. It isn't romantic, or sexy, or fun, but it's better than a life long regret." - richardjreidii
" NTA Its very messed up that she didnt tell you about her having herpes and you probably saved a few people from getting it" - SilverQuex
However, there is more to the story. It's not part of the post itself, but it will likely change your view.
Herpes is not a huge deal. Yes, it is a disease that can cause discomfort, but it's also something a sizable portion of the population has.
You may remember scaremongering PSAs or posters warning you that 4 out of 5 people with herpes don't know they have it, so watch out! But the reason they don't know they have it is because their symptoms are so mild or even have no symptoms.
And it's true that 1 in 6 Americans have genital herpes, but if you include oral herpes, 90% of the population already has the disease.
So, now that you know that herpes is mostly harmless little red bumps, and there's a pretty good chance you yourself have the disease, does that change your opinion?
" OMG YTA in so many ways. like seriously go learn about herpes. the chances of you getting herpes from her when she's not having an outbreak is next to 0. something like 30% of the population has herpes that stays asymptomatic and they never have an outbreak. there's a reason clinics don't test for herpes with out a request for it. It because we all have it (well, at least 30% do) and most of us never have a single symptom." - Madbettalady
"YTA - B I G T I M E. did you wear a condom? if so, what the actual f*** is wrong with you? you're at LEAST 96% protected with one and if she wasn't suffering from a flare up then the chance of you getting it is EXTREMELY low.do you think people who suffer from oral herpes (aka cold sores) tell everyone they kiss? have some f***ing perspective.
there's such a stigma surrounding herpes, as if it's the end of someone's life if they get it. she was likely to sleep with you once and protected so i can 100% understand why she didn't tell you.
the fact you SPREAD it around is appalling, you should be f***ing ashamed of yourself." - dendrology2007
How about the fact he disclosed this woman's private information publicly over it?
"Did you ask her for STI status before having sex? She should have disclosed, but you also should have not assumed otherwise. You both dropped the ball, but you're revenge posting her status. YTA.Also, I suggest educating yourself more on STIs, and what actual risks are (these can change greatly depending on medication, etc, others or even yourself may be on." - angeltigriss
"ABSOLUTELY YTA. You disclosed her PRIVATE MEDICAL INFORMATION to an entire university. That is absolutely wrong. You also have little understanding of how herpes works and while she should have shared that info with you, that didn't give you the right to share that with everyone. Learn more about herpes and then realize what you did." - megankoli
It's really easy to see why people would be upset, considering the stigma around herpes.
And maybe you felt that since she knew, she still should have disclosed, leading to an ESH, or 'Everyone Sucks Here' situation.
It's also possible you still think he did nothing wrong, which is your opinion to have, but it's difficult to change your mind if you don't have all the information.
Whatever your thought, it might be best to learn before you publicly shame someone. Or at the very least, before you call someone an a-hole.
Want to raise educated, aware people? The book It's Perfectly Normal: Changing Bodies, Growing Up, Sex, and Sexual Health is available here to navigate families through healthy discussions about growing up.