The bodily maneuvers required to self-clean every inch of the human body are unflattering, private and, at times, mildly acrobatic.
They do not bring hopes of audience or commentary to mind.
But we do not always control our destinies. So many things are out of our control. Especially five-year-old rascals.
SQUID-FLOTILLA, a Redditor freshly clean as a whistle and mortified, graced us with his account of the grand exposure.
He kicks off with the motive. This was no ordinary shower. This was a shower with specific dedications, increased focus on the darkest corners.
What's more, it occurred at an irregular time of day, a variable sure to increase the risk of surprises.
"I was hoping to score a BJ from my wife last night after our five-year-old daughter went to bed. So, I decided to take a long shower in the late afternoon. I decided to go full-on extra clean in the taintal region, so I soaped it up & washed it extra well."
scared homer simpson GIFGiphy
Like any good story teller, SQUID-TORTILLA, after leading in with his own distinct desires and conflicts, he shifts toward something universal, relatable.
"At the very end of the process - as we have all done at least once in our lifetime - I faced away from the shower head, leaned forward, and spread my a** cheeks wide open with my hands, letting the water rinse the soap out of my nethers."
His vocabulary can't help but call to mind the lewd mess hall chat on a centuries old sailing ship.
All comments of narrative craft aside, this was the last moment of solitude. There, our narrator was two birds in one, spread-eagle and a sitting duck.
Defenseless and pinned under the age-old leg trickle, SQUID-TORTILLA was bum rushed.
"Cue my daughter, who decided to scare me in the shower. She whipped the shower curtain aside and yelled, 'Surprise, Daddy!!!!'… and saw nothing but wide open man a**."
The nightmare would not end at simple exposure and publicity.
More were called to the scene.
Comments were made.
"She freaked out, yelling, 'Daddy, what are you doing?????? Mommy, come here!!!!!!'… and then, for the next 5 minutes, described in detail to my wife over and over and over again what I was doing. My wife was laughing so hard that she was crying."
Redditors had a field day with nearly every aspect of this story.
First, we have those comments dedicated to his daughter's sudden new worldview, and the learning opportunity here.
"OP you need to read a book to your sweet little angel it's called nobody likes a c*ck block." -- wendyokoopa24
"And the next day she tells you guys that she has started showering just like Daddy does." -- iknowthisischeesy
"What a beautiful time for kids to not go to school for the next few weeks... hopefully she will have forgotten this by then." -- troglodyte_terrorist
"When I was a child, my parents instructed me to do a move such as this to make sure I didn't suffer a shi**y a** all the time."
"I hope you explained to your daughter it's called hygiene, and if she doesn't want to walk around with her own feces as a sidekick, she'll do the same." -- Zauberer-IMDB
Other comments offered some logistical tips.
"And this is why you want a detachable shower head to properly clean the undercarriage." -- grrrlgone
"Shower wand, bro."
"In addition to its many uses, it saves water because you rinse off those tough to reach areas so much faster. That includes the taintal, sub-taintal, and rear-ballsacial regions (as well as the Vajayjay-taintal region for women)."
"And if you have enough water pressure, get the kind that splits in two, for those times when you're doing the shower tango with your wife." -- billbixbyakahulk
Some commiseration came in the form of empathy for his techniques and even some similar embarrassing stories.
"I don't have kids but this is the exact situation I dread someone walking in on me doing the most. I make sure my ears are open extra wide before assuming the position."
"There can't be a less flattering and more embarrassing position. 'Just blasting my bhole, don't mind me.' I like to have a b-hole one could eat off of if needed." -- RiverWalker83
"I walked in on my grandma giving my grandpa a BJ when I was about 4. I know what I saw and conveniently a lock went on their bedroom door after that. Oh, grandma had dentures too. I drink a lot now." -- umrum
It is unclear what structural changes have been made to the master bedroom following this scenario.
Jane Rosenberg
Jane Rosenberg
@arianagrande/Instagram
@arianagrande/Instagram