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Mom Calls Out Daycare For Refusing To Recognize Her Male Partner As Primary Caregiver For Their Son
04 March 2022
@RainaBrands/Twitter
The fight against gender inequality is often focused on women. It makes sense, they have historically been the disadvantaged party entering arenas previously closed to them.
But as more men enter arenas they have not "traditionally" been in, we get examples of the ways these systemic gender roles make things harder for everyone.
Dr. Raina Brands took to Twitter to call out her son's daycare for their annoying, and potentially dangerous, insistence on "traditional" gender roles despite being told and having all evidence to the contrary.
The little boy's father is the one who drops him off every day. Dad is the one who did all the intake meetings and filled out the paperwork.
Dad has been listed as the main point of contact and primary caregiver since day one. There are even notes in the child's file that Dad is the primary caregiver.
And yet...
Our son has been in daycare since the beginning of the year. If he is sick and needs to come home early, they call me. If they want to give him paracetamol, they call me. If he has injured himself they call me. So what? 1/4— Dr Raina Brands (@Dr Raina Brands) 1646228499
I have repeatedly asked them to call my partner first. I have asked them to put a note on my file about that. I have asked the manager. Today they called and I asked them to always call my partner first and 2 hours later THEY CALLED ME AGAIN. What makes this more absurd is.. 2/4— Dr Raina Brands (@Dr Raina Brands) 1646228499
...the fact that my partner has always been the main point of contact! He filled out all of the forms, he did all of the settling-in sessions, and he drops our son off every morning. But they are incapable of viewing him as a primary caregiver. (3/4)— Dr Raina Brands (@Dr Raina Brands) 1646228500
When I say gender inequality is a self-reinforcing system, this is what I'm talking about. (4/4)— Dr Raina Brands (@Dr Raina Brands) 1646228500
This sort of thing is obviously not rare.
I was a single father with sole custody. They would continually insist on calling her mother first even though the mother would even tell them I am the main contact— Chris From Jersey (@Chris From Jersey) 1646312418
3 kids later and this still happens to my wife and me. Absolutely nuts.https://twitter.com/RainaBrands/status/1499017089880834052\u00a0\u2026— javascript jesus is Docker Dre (@javascript jesus is Docker Dre) 1646397243
This has happened to my wife and to me so many time. I\u2019d also like to kvetch about the number of times I had to change my son *on the bathroom floor* because only the woman\u2019s bathroom had a changing table.— Dave Hilton (@Dave Hilton) 1646233242
This shit happens with our school all the time. The contact form has "Mother's telephone number" listed first and I've literally circled my number in red with a note saying "call here first" and they still don't https://twitter.com/RainaBrands/status/1499017089880834052\u00a0\u2026— Josh Telson starring Josh Telson (@Josh Telson starring Josh Telson) 1646378503
ONLY thing that stopped the nonsense- Went 2 the school. Made sure I met wi person(s) responsible 4 calling & their leader. 1 question: \u201cIf I can\u2019t trust you to make a simple call to the designated person, why should I trust u wi my child?\u201d Haven\u2019t been called since. 1/2— dedance BLM, she/her (@dedance BLM, she/her) 1646280406
I remember when they wouldn\u2019t allow my husband to register my son with the GP. I was pissed because it was convenient for him to do it at the time & it ended up delaying a few things. Even after I called they INSISTED, I\u2019m still disgusted. We all have the same last name, stupid.https://twitter.com/rainabrands/status/1499017089880834052\u00a0\u2026— Foundational Negropean (@Foundational Negropean) 1646398647
I stay at home 3 1/2 Years with our daughter when her mother was working. Her first years. Guess how many times I got phonecall if someone have anything at all considering our daughter. Yes. Zero.— Tulander Markku\u2122 (@Tulander Markku\u2122) 1646342659
Finn hasn't even started nursery yet but already getting this with all the registration admin. @thmswebb has requested that they always contact us both if it's via email. We'll have to work out who the first point of call is for emergencies. Shouldn't be the mum by default.https://twitter.com/RainaBrands/status/1499017089880834052\u00a0\u2026— Chloe Watson (@Chloe Watson) 1646390168
Which people found both shocking and sad - especially given how dangerous that could be for the child.
Not very reassuring when they have responsibility to care for your child , if they cannot even comply with your requests !!— EILEEN MACLEOD (@EILEEN MACLEOD) 1646384095
The op, comments and quotes are very interesting; they all tell me one thing: the experiences of women are mostly universal, especially in respect o work and care for home/children.https://twitter.com/rainabrands/status/1499017089880834052\u00a0\u2026— Tolulope Olorundero (@Tolulope Olorundero) 1646397803
There is so much in this thread that makes me angry, stereotypes run so deep.https://twitter.com/RainaBrands/status/1499017089880834052\u00a0\u2026— Rachel Habergham (she/her) (@Rachel Habergham (she/her)) 1646378765
Here\u2019s an example of society & the system refusing to see men as primary caregivers.\n\nHow can we expect men to be involved fathers, if we don\u2019t allow them to?\n\nHow can we complain that it all falls on women\u2019s shoulders, if we don\u2019t let them share the responsibility?\n\n#Fatherhoodhttps://twitter.com/rainabrands/status/1499017089880834052\u00a0\u2026— Debora Montesoro (@Debora Montesoro) 1646348726
While others wondered WHY this keeps happening.
Long thread & no excuses for individual assumptions, but dollars to donuts the schools that have an explicit policy of calling female caregivers first do so because of a history of staff being abused for calling a male parent.https://twitter.com/RainaBrands/status/1499017089880834052\u00a0\u2026— 0xfbeaq14 (@0xfbeaq14) 1646392184
Having read so many responses illustrating the same story\u2026I wonder beyond \u2018societal norms\u2019 embedded in our psyches\u2026what else could be at play\u2026I wonder if there is an equally embedded fear of unknown male and his response kind of effect going on\u2026.— Erin Bosenberg (@Erin Bosenberg) 1646285133
I have no idea. I always felt like the message was, "Oh, you're the dad and therefore Homer Simpson. There's no way you're a competent parent." (It was always female nurses, receptionists, etc.)— Nick Peterson (@Nick Peterson) 1646349460
We're not going to come up with any great societal answers over the course of one article.
Having said that, more people talking about their experiences means more chances to have this conversation.
Which might just get us somewhere.
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