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weirdest thing someone said
u/satrap_chicken asked:
Here were some of those WTF answers.
Unusual Hobbies
GiphyCoworker once told me she was fascinated with stink bugs and would basically capture them and keep as many as possible in her house. And that one of her favorite things to do was to draw a bath as hot and bubbly as possible, set a laptop on her toilet lid and watch a movie while taking a bath but also with a bunch of stink bugs in the bathroom with her, just flying and walking around everywhere. I still randomly think of it and think "ok but what the f*ck though?" when I do.
We'd only been working together a little over a week when she decided to reveal this to me. I didn't even know her last name at that point.
Swipe Left
Met someone from online dating for the first time. She constantly talked about ex-boyfriends, one of which was a drug dealer (and she somehow didn't connect the dots when many sketchy people were coming to his door daily for very short visits for months).
Scars Don't Always Remind Us
GiphyGuy stormed into our newspaper office and shouted about wanting an interview. Editor caved like wet cardboard and assigned the least senior reporter to interview him [for a human-interest-type story, not a job]. I was shut in a room with this person for forty-five minutes and learned that his wife died alone in the hospital while he was on another floor evangelizing to a young female meth addict. He described how beautiful this woman was and how he saved her soul, mentioning his dying wife in passing. He also shared that a distinctive scar on his forehead was from a chainsaw.
I had fun as a reporter and placed myself in stupid situations many times (stood up to editors more as I got older/grew a spine, but loved the adrenaline. Specialized in cops & courts reporting later on and loved it, but left for reasons I won't get into here). I looked for the story clipping but have not been able to find it, and sadly the paper's online archives don't go back that far.
I should note that I wrote the f*cking story. The editor had to run it or else admit she'd put me in danger for no reason. I included the bits about the hospital and chainsaw, too.
Warning Signs
Met a girl on OkCupid back in 2015 and went out on a date. We agreed to meet up for a beer and see how well we hit it off. While there she decided to order wings and is making an absolute mess while we chat.
This girl tells me more or less everything about her life, including, but not limited to:
- her credit score (it was terrible)
- she
defaulted ondecided she didn't want to pay her student loans, and moved across the country without telling the institution rather than figure out what to do about it - said move was to get engaged with a guy she'd been in a long distance relationship with for a couple weeks
- they broke it off 2 months later
- our date was one week after that...
First and only time I've ghosted someone. I didn't want any part of that.
Bench Convo
Early 2000's. I was sitting on a park bench at SeaWorld. Girl sits down next to me.
"I saw a pterodactyl porn once."
"What's that?"
"Pterodactyl Porn. Well technically the guy was a pterodactyl and women were human, so I guess it was more of an interspecies thing... He cawed and flapped a bunch."
"Oh. Ok."
"Pterodactyl starts with a P by the way. For when you look it up."
"Thanks, but I wont."
Casual Meth Confession
GiphyMeeting one of my best friend's roommates for the first time. Somethings that happened directly after meeting her
- She began scratching her skin a lot
- confessed to me that she does meth
- sat on the ground and pulled out a banjo seemingly from nowhere and began playing
- told me about how she used to skip school and get high in public bathrooms
- gave me a run down on how to tell if a mushroom is psychedelic or not
- introduced me to her fiancé who I immediately knew had a problem with meth too
- she then told me that he was a recovering meth addict
- she told me about how one time she got locked in a closet and all she did for 3 hours was bang her forehead against a wall
- head butted my best friend which left a humungous bruise for some time
- licked both of her cats while holding them under her arms standing on the back of the couch
- and to top it all off she and her fiancé went in their room and came out about an hour and a half later completely naked followed by her fiancé who was also completely naked and they were surprised to see that I was still there and just went about their lives like being naked in front of a total stranger is socially acceptable
Distorted Reality
Years ago I went on a first date with a girl. We go to dinner, haven't even ordered food yet, I'm looking over the menu when she blurts out this gem, "Just to make things perfectly clear, I'm never going to have sex with you."
It was 10 minutes into the very first date and prior to that the subject was never brought up.
I just looked up from the menu confused and gave the "I'm waiting for an explanation" look. You know the look.
She goes on, "I just don't believe in it."
Wait, what?
"I don't believe that humans are meant to have sex."
I was doing my best to not be insulting, so I took my time before asking, "So you don't intend on having children then?" The conversation went something like this.
"Oh, someday I will."
"So you plan on adopting?"
"No. I want my own kids."
"Okay, but having children requires sex, right?"
She just gave me this incredulous look like I told her the moon was made of cheese.
She almost laughed, "No!"
I wasn't laughing. I really wanted to know how she thought people reproduced, but it was already super awkward.
Instead, I asked her how long she had been single. It was my not so subtle way of trying to get to the bottom of her thought process on the subject.
It turns out that this was her first date ever. Suddenly the picture was starting to come into focus. (It should be noted that I was in my mid 20's at the time and she was about the same age as me.)
We made small talk through dinner. It was awkward and I certainly wasn't feeling any connection to her. I got the impression she was sheltered to the point of damage. It wasn't just about the lack of knowledge with physical intimacy. It was an all encompassing lack of fundamental understand of social normalcy.
I was trying to be respectful, but it was really hard to ignore the complete disconnect which was emphasized to great point when she became upset when the bill arrived and I placed my card in the bill folder and set it on the edge of the table without comment.
She asked me why I was paying for both of us.
I told her that I was happy to cover dinner. At which point she became very angry, much to my surprise.
She stood up and yelled, "I am not your wife!"
She then dug angrily through her purse for a $20 bill, threw it on the table, and stormed out in a huff.
I just sat there stunned with half the patrons staring at me. My waiter managed to save the moment by saying, "Dodged a bullet there huh?"
I do believe so.
Gymnastics Around A Topic
I live in the midwest and a few years ago I had to travel ~6 hours to watch my sister walk at her college graduation. I travelled with my parents and we ended up sharing a hotel room. Parents go to bed early and I was wide awake ~9pm and decided to walk across the parking lot to a liquor store (figured I was bored and there was nothing to do, so why not drink a few beers since I wasn't going anywhere anytime soon). After my purchase, I sat down at a bench in the back lot of the hotel to drink said beers and generally reflect on how the day had gone. I had drank one of my beers when I noticed someone coming out of the hotel. It was an older man who immediately asked me if I wanted some company while I drank. He told me he had some Captain and Coke in his McDonald's cup and I like meeting new people, so I figured why not?
So we sat for a while and talked about a slew of shit; life, politics, music etc. I generally love one-time interactions with people, as they tend to not hold back since we likely won't have any future interactions. We ended up talking about our mutual love for marijuana and he told me that he had some weed up in his hotel room. He asked if I wanted to smoke and, being slightly buzzed from the beers, I threw caution to the wind and accepted his offer.
Fast-forward to ~15 minutes later, he reappears from the hotel and suggests that we walk back to a fence that separates the hotel parking lot from the lot designated for the strip mall behind the hotel. He had rolled a MONSTER joint for the two of us, and reassured me that this would be the best place to indulge. Again, I throw caution to the wind and follow him to the poorly lit portion of the parking lot. We begin to smoke the joint and he asks me what I was in town for (for some reason we hadn't talked about it up until this point). I tell him that my sister had just graduated from the local university and, surprisingly, he tells me that he was also in town for the same ceremony! He tells me that his daughter had just graduated from the same college and he had come to town to celebrate her achievement.
This all seems innocent enough, right? We swap stories about our beloved family members and talk about fond memories with them/generally commiserate over how "time really flies" yada yada. He asks me what degree my sister had graduated with and I tell him. Surprisingly, again, his daughter graduated with the same degree as my sister! They walked together in the same group! Being polite I ask him which girl was his daughter, to which he responds "she was the one in the wheelchair". I congratulate him on being the father of a graduate, as I notice his face has gone blank. We had finished the joint at this point and I was dealing with a heavy dose of anxiety, so I wasn't sure if he was actually upset or if it was just me being "paranoid". I ask my newfound friend if everything was alright and he begins to tell me that he was his daughters gymnastics coach when she was in elementary school. Her love for the sport would eventually give her the drive to pursue a career in physical therapy. I say something along the lines of "that's great! you helped motivate her to find her passion, as any father should!". To which he responds, "no.. I dropped her".
He. Dropped. Her.
I knew this was heading south real fast. He continued to tell me that she had been practicing a routine while he was spotting her, and he dropped her as she landed; paralyzing her. Obviously this is why she was in a wheelchair. Tears began to run down his face.
So here I am. 24 years old, high with a full grown man that I do not know, standing in a dark parking lot and bearing witness to what was this mans largest guilt in life. I was speechless. All I could do was offer him the last two beers from my 6pack, give him the most painful/awkward half-hug and say "we all make mistakes". He responded with "I know, man. I know."
I very quickly dismissed myself from the situation and hurried back into the hotel, on the premise of the night getting late. To this day I am shook over this interaction. Didn't even get the guys name.
If you're reading this, I hope you've forgiven yourself. Everyone DOES make mistakes.
Took About Three Steps Too Far
GiphyThis will probably get buried, but it's an amazing story.
A few years ago a new neighbor moved in next door to my wife and I. She was a single mom with a couple kids. I ran into her outside a couple days after she moved in and we were making small talk. I asked what she did for a living.
Her: "I'm a prison guard at the local prison."
Me: "Wow, I bet that's a tough job."
Her: "Yeah, there aren't a lot of women working there. Most of them can't handle it."
Me: "I'll bet."
Her: "And most of the women that do work there are just in it for the d!ck. Not me though, I get plenty of d!ck on my own."
Me: "...okay well I need to go, nice meeting you."
No One Cares About Your Salary, Bob
Have you ever been in one of those situations where your significant other wants to meet up with a friend they haven't seen in a long time and you have to tag along?
I drive into NYC so my girlfriend can meet up with some old friends she hasn't seen in awhile. Of course I'm going to be paired up with the other significant others in this group - that isn't a big deal for me.
I get to talking to this one guy. My age. Works in marketing. Seems like a fine dude that I can talk about football or some shit with. Early on in the conversation he says something like, "Blah blah blah.... you know, I make six figures."
At first I shrug this off as a weird flex but OK, right? Well as the night moves on he keeps interjecting this line when the conversation turns towards work, and it's getting really strange.
Fast forward towards the end of the night, and we end up at this loud bar that's not really my scene. I lean over to this guy and go, "WOW, it's really loud in here!" This douche bag proceeds to go, "I make six figures so I guess I'm used to it."
You Ruined It
I work in a cell phone repair shop. This one time a guy came in to pick up his phone before it was ready, so he was waiting in the lobby. I had been given the task of dusting, so I was also in the lobby. The guy asks if we're hiring, and I say we are. My boss heard his question and came up front to talk to him. They talk about the job for a few minutes and the dude is really excited and wants to apply.
As soon as my boss goes into the back room again (remember where he can hear the front) the guy starts telling me a crazy story about how he took a bunch of xanax and then drove and fell asleep in his car and got arrested and the issues he's having with probation. Just crazy sh*t. My boss heard everything. The dude applied for the job and did not get an interview.
The Limit Of Virtue
GiphyIn the course of one shift, a coworker admitted she was a virgin who believed in angels and defended the honor of specific named angels like Gabriel by boycotting media that would besmirch their reputations. She also admitted she thought women belonged in the homestead barefoot and pregnant and insisted that the world would be a better place if rock and rap artists were executed.
Can't Predict The Cringe
Not that "f*cked up" per se but on the first day of a brand new job the woman I was replacing (she'd been promoted) took me around for the day, as one does, showing me where copy machine was, etc. She took me to lunch in the worker cafeteria and as we we ate, just the two of us, somehow, organically, the fact her father had died in a car accident came up in conversation, and when she told me her age at the time of his accident ("Six") my natural response was to sort of wince and say, "Jesus," in sympathy. She began to weep. Passed as quick as a summer storm.
It's Been Five Seconds
I was at a New Years house party and met the sister of a friend's friend's girlfriend...any way, we started chatting casually and she asks me out of the blue why would a guy block your phone number. I asked for context and she mentioned she met some guys that Halloween that she went to a party with, slept with a few of them, and when she tried to text one of the guys a few days after he never responded. Then she showed me a picture and asked me if it looks like an unborn fetus...turns out she had a miscarriage thanks to her romp and showed me pictures of the after effects, all within an hour of our first "hello's".
Things I Don't Need To Know About You
GiphyThis might slightly count as I hadn't seen the girl in question in a few years prior to the conversation.
I rode in the car with her, a friend of hers, and my friend to a city a few hours away because she needed to get a few things from her parents' house there. The trip in total was about a 3 hour drive. About halfway through she went into excruciating detail of my friend's experience putting it in her rear (They were somewhere between boy/girlfriend and friends with benefits). I got a laugh out of it, but my friend was embarrassed to hell.
A Lineage Of Phallic Objects
Guy told me. "Yeah im not gay. You know how i know? I shoved a dildo up my *ss and i didnt like it." I was eating a banana when he told me this. 2 years later he makes out with my gay best friend.
Not everybody is a bottom.
What is the weirdest thing someone has put into introductory conversation with you?