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frozen embryos
Ever since the first successful pregnancy from a healthy frozen embryo during the 1980s, many couples began freezing their embryos for use at another time to get pregnant.
The Original Poster (OP) and her husband have four children, thanks to embryo freezing, and they had three remaining frozen embryos.
When the OP's friend had a difficult time getting pregnant, she knew just the person who could help. But because the OP abhors this woman's husband, she refused to donate and asked Reddit AITA (Am I the A**hole).
The Original Poster (OP) wrote:
"My husband and I ended up freezing some embryos years ago due to medical issues. We used them to have our now 4 children, and we now feel that we have enough."
"At the time of this conversation, we still had three left over, and we had been debating what to do with them."
The OP knew who the remaining embryos would NOT go to—a friend who she thinks has a despicable husband and an unlikely candidate for father of the year.
"Her husband is horrible. They got married before my husband and I met. He's done so many horrible things both in general and to her."
"I've had so many talks with her about how she deserves better and how unacceptable his actions are.
But time passed and much to the OP's chagrin, the friend remained loyal to her husband.
"We're all now in our late 30s, and they are now trying to have kids and can't (because they waited too long at HIS insistence). They're now looking at donor material, and she came to me. Absolutely not."
When the couple felt they were entitled to the embryos, the OP lost her temper.
"This man shouldn't be a father and definitely not to my at least biological children. I was vague and tried to avoid a real answer. But they pushed too hard on why 'we deserve to have all those extra embryos' and I lost my temper a little."
no way GIFGiphy
The OP made a conditional proposal.
"I ended up telling him that I/we think he's a terrible person, in no way should he have children, and she would only get my biological help if she 'dropped him' like a diseased fish."
In order to end their persistence, the OP and her husband made a decision that friends and family said was out of spite.
"Honestly, I hate him so much. This whole thing and the knowledge that we would only get more and more requests for them led us to the decision that we needed to use them ourselves. It worked and we had a single pregnancy."
"We've been getting some comments from friends and family that we had a child out of spite and we're not better than anyone we have problems with."
"I don't know that that's true. We just couldn't destroy them and also couldn't trust anyone else."
She asked AITA for refusing to give her friend her embryos and have a "spite baby."
"NTA. You can refuse to give your embryos to anyone regardless of what kind of person they are. It's your embryos."
"It's nobody but you and your husband's choice alone. Just hope they don't hate that child and treat them badly." – shitidkmanX
A possible crisis was avoided.
"Agreed, your embryos your call on how they are used. You are NTA and your friend/friend's SO has no right to them."
"I do think your anger towards your friend's SO is impacting your decision, but I would question why you would go ahead with this despite thinking that the child will be hurt by the family dynamics."
"You would be, at least in part, responsible for the child by creating the pregnancy, so putting a child in a situation like that seems irresponsible at best. And you can only make that decision based on what you've seen and been told about."
"Congratulations on the pregnancy." – BigMeaning0
There's more to her decision than just animosity towards the husband.
"Her anger towards the husband isn't what's impacting her decision. The husbands sh**ty personality and decisions are what is impacting her decision. It's a bit disingenuous to try and sum that up with 'OPs just mad at him.'"
"Someone's personality, decisions, and values are all things you are supposed to take into consideration before deciding if you want to help them have children."
"This is why adoption and surrogacy and everything all (attempt to) have strict testing for the prospective parents (not executed correctly in their current states, but you can at least see what they're trying to do)."
"If you think someone isn't going to be a decent parent you absolutely shouldn't help them bring a child into this world." – SnakesInYerPants
There are plenty of other options to consider if the couple wants children.
"Totally agree - your and your husband's DNA and genetic material had a purpose and maybe in the distant future it might be helpful for your children or another family member if you really want that."
"Say what you will about ethics, morals, and spirituality, but in my mind you might as well be handing one of you and your partners kids to these people."
"(Also being late-30 is not too late to have a regular pregnancy. Women over 40 have healthy babies all the time and if you have money, women in their early 50s are having babies (like Janet Jackson.)"
"If all you have left is a few embryos that is not a lot of chances in a field where doctors need multiple embryos to get one viable pregnancy."
"There are so many outside options than using an donated embryo from two other people. You can test for birth defects, you can do in vitro and screen your embryos for genetic issues, you can get donor eggs and have your partner fertilize them."
"There are so many other options - even adoption." – BigFitMama
"They could adopt. people are so caught up in how they 'deserve' to have a biological child when there's plenty of babies out there that need love." – prisonerofazkabants
Realists, however, argued why adoption would not be a good solution.
"Adoption isn't some easy, quick cheap fix. It's extremely expensive ($40k-60k), and you have to jump through countless hoops to be approved by the adoption agency just for the potential of being able to adopt."
"Many of these agencies will not allow you to adopt if you aren't a hetero, married Christian couple with high-paying jobs. And if you want a baby (which most people do), you'll be on that waiting list for years with no guarantee."
"If you're willing to take the plunge and adopt an older child, you have to be willing to adopt a special needs child (which make up most older adoptees)."
"Not everyone is capable of caring for special needs kids, or kids with severe behavioral issues (stemming from abuse from previous homes)."
"Adoption is great, but it's not for everyone, and certainly not for a couple like OP knows. It sounds like they wouldn't even be able to afford it anyway." – Moal
"Adoption costs $30,000 plus for private adoption and an average of a 2 year wait."
"And if you're referring to foster care, the primary goal there is reunification, not adoption. A lot of kids in foster care have high special needs in one way or another, which isn't something that everyone feels they can just take on."
"There is nothing wrong with wanting biological children. Ironically, it seems most that throw out the adoption card are people who have their own bio kids...not saying that's the case with you, because I don't know, but I find that very ironic."
"OP is still NTA because no one is entitled to her embryos, but don't make it sound like adoption is as easy as going to the baby factory and picking one out." – midwestskies16
This is why the OP is not TA.
"You and your husband planned ahead and made sure to freeze your embryos to ensure you'd be able to have children."
"Your friend and her husband did not despite choosing to wait and wait."
"Their entitled attitude makes them TA. They have no right to comment on what you chose to do with your embryos." – RogueKhajit
"Maybe after everything that went down and looking at the bigger picture, OP and her spouse simply felt it would be the best decision for their embryos."
"Their options would be sell them, adopt them out, give them to friend, destroy them, or use them yourself."
"OP went with the use them option. IMO it would have been more spiteful to sell them, adopt them to someone else, or destroy them completely." – lady_k_77
The OP had every right to do as she pleased with her frozen embryos.
Now it sounds like congrats are in order.