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Guy's Friend Pisses Him Off After Suggesting He Call Off His Wedding To Fiancée Who Recently Became Disabled
02 March 2020
The popular subreddit "Am I The A**hole?" is known for weighing in on life's moral gray areas.
Another such story arrived yesterday when Reddit user disabledfiancee asked whether he was in the wrong for standing up for his disabled fiancée.
His story was titled "AITA for yelling at a friend when she said that I should think about cancelling my wedding because my fiancée has recently become disabled?"
"My fiancée and I are planning on getting married in September, and we've been together for 5 years now. A month ago she got into an accident that has her in a wheelchair. She's been seeing a physical therapist about prosthetics but for now at least there's no walking happening."
"It's been... an adjustment for both of us, and I won't say it's gone perfectly, but you can't expect something like this to transition perfectly. I recently went out with a couple friends, and I was talking about my fiancée and how she was doing when one of them asked if I had thought about calling off the wedding."
"I immediately said no and asked why I would, and she started talking about how she's going to be a burden and I don't want to start the better part of my life with dead weight as a wife."
"This really pissed me off and I yelled at her that just because she got into an accident doesn't make her worthless and that she should shut her mouth if only sh*t is going to come out of it. I'll admit I made a bit of a scene, so I left and went home."
"My fiancée says that I shouldn't have been so harsh and that she can see where my friend is coming from and that she only has my best interests in mind. This honestly really surprised me since my friend was talking about her, and she's saying I should have been less harsh."
"So I'm wondering whether I went overboard since the woman getting trashed even thinks I was too harsh. AITA?"
lostonravenna kicked things off by agreeing wholeheartedly with the Original Poster's actions.
"NTA. Your fiancée likely feels the same way about herself as your friend does. Not necessarily that you should cancel the wedding, but she may think of herself as a burden and a deadweight. Your friend is no friend at all and that's an unacceptable thing to say. Just because someone can't walk doesn't mean they don't deserve to be married to someone who loves and cares for them."
risottodolphin also got on board.
"This was exactly my first thought. The fact that she can see where your friend was coming from means your fiance probably feels this about herself, or at least has had that thought. You're doing a good thing by standing up for her even if she doesn't think it was too harsh; hopefully she won't have thoughts like that much longer. NTA."
NoGoodDealsWarlock gave some insight into living with a new disability.
"NTA I had similar thoughts when I became more severely disabled ten months into our marriage after I was injured having our son. My partner had similar 'advice' from friends who felt he shouldn't be burdened with me and our son deserved a new mother who wasn't limited. I pushed myself probably farther than I should have done to prove them wrong but the words stayed with me."
"Things got very dark and I tried to remove myself from their lives because I felt so bad. I'm not saying things will get that bad for her, I really hope it won't, but OP is your fiancé getting therapy? A change like this can have a big psychological impact that she might need help working through."
"Another thought is that you might not want to relay any other comments of that kind to her, there's a circle theory of support that says negativity should only go out rather than in when someone is suffering. Hearing that other people believe that she's deadweight might bring her down when she needs lifting up. OP I hope she goes from strength to strength and that your wedding will be beautiful and full of people who support you both, it sounds like you deserve that."
Kayliee73 wants to make sure OP's fiancee doesn't feel worthless.
"Yup. Disability can cause people to feel worthless. My husband's heart gave out at 37. He did not die but will never work again. At first he was able to help keep up with the housework but slowly he has lost even the ability to do that. He struggles daily with why I stay with, in his words, 'a worthless bum.'"
"I do not see him as a burden. He is the reason I am able to be a teacher (he worked 50+ hours a week in a warehouse and took a second job off and on while I was in school), he is the reason I don't feel completely alone in this world, the person who I know for sure is on my side. I understand how OP feels; how dare others say his future wife is worthless due to disability. I also know that she feels worthless as she struggles with her identity now that she has lost the ability to walk."
clovergirl102187 also pointed out an important fact.
"Did everyone forget the part where she isn't chair bound? She's not paraplegic. They're see I n a physical therapist about prosthetics so that means she will walk just not yet."
"That makes o.p.s friend a mega AH. O.P. Had every right to act that way about it considering the fiancee is only temporarily disabled and not permanently chair bound."
WeeBabey summed things up nicely.
"NTA. Your friend calling your wife dead weight is f**king disrespectful."
themillwater would take things even farther.
"Wouldn't be my friend anymore."
hyena_cub pointed out what this means about the friend's outlook on life.
"Yeah...it's utterly disheartening to know that to some, humans're all one car crash away from being a human being/friend/brother/fiancee to being reduced to numbers, burdens, calculations of whether or not it's worth it to keep them around."
Kooky_Chipmunk thought OP was totally in the right.
"NTA. you did the right thing and being harsh was warranted. Disabled people are not a dead weight. Your friend is a total a**hole. I'd consider ending the friendship based on that ableist comment."
veryreallyconfused99 laid out a plethora of reasons OP shouldn't feel bad.
"Hard NTA- You're fiancé is way too nice. I would've most definitely have hated anyone who said that about me and would've gotten mad at my bf for yelling at someone who said that about me. First of all, your love life is none of your friend's business so your friend has no business making comments like this."
"Second of all, your friend is insinuating that disabled people are universally unattractive and cannot be loved and/or have healthy relationships which is extremely rude and stupid."
"She may be incompatible with disabled people but that doesn't mean that everyone is. This girl is no real friend to you. Anyone who insults the person you love and are spending the rest of your life with in such a horrible way isn't your true friend. True friends never say things like this about their friends' partners."
"You really should cut this girl out of your life. Why would you want to be friends with someone who says such horrible things about your fiancé?"
budk17 has been in a similar situation to OP's fiancee.
"Can confirm- when I became severely disabled this is exactly how I thought of myself. It's traumatic and a major adjustment having your life and independence taken from you so suddenly and especially during the first few years of that adjustment any time anyone else made such ableist comments, like OP's 'friend', it just reaffirmed those toxic thoughts I was having about myself."
"It was maybe not worth OP telling his fiancé about that interaction at all because of how hurtful it can be to hear outsiders say those things but at least he was firm in his support to his fiancé and was able to affirm to her that he wasn't accepting of his 'friend's' perspective."
usernameawesome1 thought some dramatic action might be necessary.
"NTA at all. The friend I would consider not inviting to the wedding. And address the doubt that your fiance has about herself before you get married. She is obviously thinking that if she agreed with the friend and this needs to be addressed to support her and help her confidence and heal mentally from the accident. Recovery from injuries that are life changing take a myriad of emotions and struggles."
After the internet weighed in, it seems pretty obvious OP did the right thing by pushing back against his friend. Love triumphs after all!
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