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bidet
Redditor "u/Awesome_McCool" found an eco-friendly alternative in a bidet – the magical plumbing fixture that gently sprays water up in your business to cleanse and soothe without having to sandpaper your derrière with excessive amounts of toilet paper..
However, she later discovered her first experience using it was not posterior-friendly.
The Original Poster (OP) admitted TIFU (Today I F'd Up) and wrote about the disastrous experience.
"So because of the toilet paper crisis, plus how often Reddit has been talking about it like a gift from god, I have decided to buy a bidet on Amazon."
"Putting it together wasn't hard, i struggled to remove the toilet seat at first but everything went without a hitch. Afterward I did what most engineers normally do with their creations, testing it out."
"Tbh while I have already seen many comments saying that bidet cleans well, I was not prepared to the level of thorough cleaning it offered me."
If a prospective bidet consumer was on the fence about acquiring one, her review would seal the deal.
"The feeling of fresh water shooting directly on to my anus and along the crack was incredible. It was cool, it was gentle, and it took care of all nooks and crannies with only so much as a wiggle of the thumb."
"I feel like that British king who had a servant that would wipe his butt for him, except mine costs $35, cleans using fresh water, and doesn't judge my quarantined diet. When all was done, my butt felt fresh, pampered and smelled good."
But her euphoria was short-lived.
"A few minutes later, something strange happened, my anus felt itchy. I figured it was probably because I oversprayed at first, no problemo. But it persisted."
"A mild itch soon gradually progressed into an intense burning itchy feeling. It felt like if I were to use a very cheap very bad eyeliner, except I don't put my eyeliners on my a**crack."
The timing of the unwelcome sensation was very unfortunate.
"Did I said that by the time the itch was killing me, I was in a grocery store? Because by the time the itch was killing me, I was in a grocery store."
"As if my Asian a** of a mug did not already guarantee me a safe and secure social distancing, the fact that I was visibly scratching my a** helped out a ton too!"
"Normally I am a pretty polite and mannered person but at that point any amount of flying f'k I could give has ceased to exist. I was willing to be publicly sodomized by a priest if that could exorcise this demonic itch from my colon."
The OP had so many questions as to what contributed to her itchy dance.
"As soon as I got home first thing I did was jumping into the shower and contemplating my entire life up to that point. Also HOW THE F'K COULD MY BIDET HAVE DONE THAT? Cheap plastic? Someone putting allergens into the water line? Nanobots in the water system waiting for a chance to attack us humans?"
"Anyhow it did not hit me til I opened the lid to check."
She was gobsmacked seeing the answer staring in her face.
"The water was blue."
"A month prior I put one of those blue Clorox pellet into my toilet tank to clean it. Idk if most bidets out there are like the one I bought but it siphons water from toilet tank instead of from the waterline."
"It was so godd*m f'king obvious but somehow it did not cross my mind when I was installing the bidet. And somehow it did not cross my mind when my bum came out smelling oddly good with a hint of lavender and abrasive cleaning chemical."
"I have sprayed my a** crack with Clorox."
User "Stealsack" enjoyed the story but clarified the OP's inaccurate assumption about bidets so as not to deter people from getting one.
"That's not how a bidet works. There is no pressure in a toilet tank, so no way for the bidet to pull water pressure from the tank."
"Some do indeed connect to the line that connects to the tank, but the pressure fills the tank at the TOP, so even if you shut your water off at the source, there isn't any chance for it to siphon tank water back into the line and onto your delicate bits."
"I'm only correcting this because I don't want people to think this is an issue they have to worry about. Get a bidet, they are awesome!"
Just be careful with test runs.
"Stealsack" continued:
"When I tested mine after install, standing alongside, it shot water across the bathroom and hosed down the mirror..."
The OP appreciated the user's input and updated her post in response.
"As u/Stealsack has pointed out, i may have been wrong on where my water was coming from. I dont know if I should feel better or worse that the source of my pain is not from my tank but I'm trying the bidet again later today. Wish me luck."
Upon second inspection, the OP made another observation.
"Huh, i checked the tank again and I think you are right, must be another reason why I got the itch that I had. I still dont think it's because of the bidet, the smell was very much from my clorox pellet."
Bidets alone don't always get the job done.
"Did you actually wipe with TP after using the bidet? You probably didn't clean it all away, and any fecal matter left behind will cause the itching you experienced."
"If you use TP after the bidet, you will dry off and also check to make sure you're completely clean." – AllisonTheBeast
"If I miss even a little bit after using the bidet it's so irritating. Before we bought the bidet seat (which was after I was spoiled rotten by the luxurious bathroom, which had one of these, in our Seoul hotel room) I had to shower or use wet wipes to get clean."
"I use a little TP to check after washing. The final touch is the warm air dryer." – gwaydms
"So I got a bidet for Christmas (best present ever), but it literally took me 3-4 weeks to get used to it and get consistent clean wipes."
"In the beginning there's some left over, or in the groundhog area you need to clean up, so it takes some time to get used to."
"You still need to dry off the area after and most people use TP to do so, but it only takes 2-3 squares max to dry off. Some 'advanced' users just switch to using towels or washcloths to dry off. Some fancy bidets for come with dryers, but they aren't powerful enough to get rid of the majority of the water, just reduce the moist feeling."
"Hope this answers your questions =)" – Party_Python
These users affirmed that models with built-in dryers and sensors were next-level sanitary perfection.
"My bidet has a built-in warm air dryer, it defaults to three minutes which is long enough. As far as the 'quality control' - white undies that I've had for a couple years still don't have any skid marks in them at all. And I haven't bought toilet paper in probably a year."
"By the way, when you make a typo and accidentally transpose the 't' and the 'e' in the word 'minutes' in that first sentence, it takes on a whole new meaning." – J662b486h
"Our bidet has a sensor in the seat. It won't work unless there's a butt on it. BioBidet is the make, and we've had it for about four years."
"My wife wanted it, but like so many other things, lost interest in it a few weeks after it was installed. It hadn't been used much until recently, but it still functions as designed."
"The water is warm, it does the job, and if you don't want to wait for the few minutes it takes for the warm air to dry your nether area, you can use a couple pieces of TP to dry off. It's also a great check to see it the water did the job it was designed to do."
"Where we live, you can show up at Walmart at opening time and score a large package of TP (I did that on Tuesday) so we're good for a couple of weeks."
"The hardest part of the installation was installing an outlet near the toilet. We've since remodeled another bathroom and put an outlet there just in case." – underdog57
What are you supposed to do after the spritzing?
"I was actually wondering how this worked, but felt like it was too dumb of a question to ask."
"Do you have to wipe after you're done using a bidet? I thought the point of them was to not have to use toilet paper anymore?" – iamtehryan
"You just wipe to dry off and get a quality control check :-)" – Stealsack
Don't underestimate the cleaning power of Clorox.
"Do not put Clorox cleaning products in the tank, they will destroy the internals and dry out all the rubber pieces." – Shmeepsheep
Her story is one of many examples reflective of the times.
"Welcome time traveler. The year is 2020. March, to be exact. TP is scarce, neighborhood watches are on power trips, and we're actually considering eating that Twinkie from Y2K that is supposedly still 'good.'" – Gvineprotoge
The OP updated her post addressing concerns that her story was "bidet fear mongering."
"I have to clarify that I grew up on the other side of the world with a handheld bidet, so I understand and fully appreciate the power of clean fresh water."
"I do not mean to scare anyone off from using bidets and I'm sorry if my sole anecdotal experience can affect your life choice."
"I still maintain that my new bidet is the best thing that has happened in my life since my childhood bidet and my adulthood SO. Get a bidet, it's worth it."
If you don't want a geyser up your keister, you may consider this brush with reality.
Want to purchase your own bidet on Amazon? Check out your options here.