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bends
After finishing his ridiculous endeavor, he claimed to have given himself the bends—also known as decompression sickness—which is a disorder that occurs when high pressure changes cause nitrogen bubbles to form in one's circulation and causes blockages in tiny blood vessels.
This act of stupidity is courtesy of Redditor "FrankTheTank107," who used the pump to blow air up his a** for no compelling reason other than to see if he could "make an artificial fart."
Allow the Original Poster (OP) to enlighten you with last week's incident in which he admitted TIFU (Today I F'd Up).
"I'm in the military and if you are too, then this might seem pretty tame compared to what else people get up to in the blocks."
"For those not in the military, let me tell you that most of the stupid stuff that happens in the blocks, stays in the blocks....except in this case because I couldn't hide it."
"There's not much context that lead up to this. We were all studying for our test coming up and I saw my bike pump laying around and got an idea. If I stuck it up my butt and pumped it, would I be able to make an artificial fart?"
fart GIFGiphy
He caved in to peer pressure, but he was already raring to take the plunge.
"In a mood to procrastinate and do stupid sh*t, everybody stopped studying and dared me to do it. So I dropped my pants right there in the middle of the room and stuck it right up and started pumping to see what would happen."
"It took me a couple tries to do it properly (because believe it or not I never done this before), but I was able to trap a good amount of air in my cologne [sic] that I could even feel it in my stomach area."
"I could have sworn it looked my belly expanded a bit."
Newsflash: it was a most uncomfortable feeling.
"I was actually pretty worried at this point because it did not feel good at all. Hard to describe but it was kind of like a stomachache and cramps at the same time; I couldn't get it out, the air just kinda stayed there."
blueberry inflation GIFGiphy
"After like 10 minutes, it only came out as tiny but very loud bursts and I couldn't control it. For the next 2 hours I was just farting uncontrollably like I never farted before."
windy GIFGiphy
But his "f'k up" was yet to come.
"The real f'k up was that my CPO was coming for evening rounds and we all had to stand at attention by our beds while he talked to us individually, like a checkup."
"As he's going around, I'm still farting very loudly despite my best efforts to hold it in. My chief asks me to stop and have some self-discipline, but I accidently let out a huge one right after he said that."
"He thought I was taking the piss out of him and again let out another enormous fart as he's telling me off and you can just see the veins popping out his head at this point."
The entire class suffered, and it had nothing to do with inhaling the gas emissions.
"I made an excuse that I was having a stomachache and couldn't help it, but he wasn't buying it. Because of me, he made the entire class write a 500-word essay on Navy core values and have it on his desk the next morning."
Core values, indeed.
"Somehow no one hated me for it, they all thought it was a worthy price to pay for the entertainment they got to see me embarrassingly fart non-stop even in front of our Chief like that."
The OP learned his foolish experiment could have been fatal.
"Thankfully my f'k up wasn't as bad as it could have been. According to someone in my class who's been a mechanic for 8 years says I could have killed myself doing this by giving myself the bends which I think I did get a small form of it (pain in my joints and fatigue)."
"So I won't be doing this again...probably...and I definitly don't reccomend anyone else trying this either."
Redditors agreed he was lucky about escaping death and shared reasons why the bends is no laughing matter.
"I don't think your classmate knows what the bends are."
"That's when dissolved gas in your blood expands due to incorrect depressurization, causing your tissues to essentially tear themselves apart."
"What you did could have perforated your intestines, which is nearly as bad. If it was a hand pump, you were probably at little risk, but people have definitely died trying this with compressed air pumps. They usually win Darwin awards." – FastWalkingShortGuy
"The tissue issue (couldn't resist) isn't the reason why the bends are scary."
"The reason the bends are scary is, depending on how severe your depressurization screw-up was, you can literally have a pocket of gas form in your circulatory system, cutting off blood flow, meaning it can literally be PAIN PAIN PAIN and dead." – ccheuer1
But one Redditor pointed out the OP made a misdiagnosis.
"You can give yourself an embolism, and the bends can cause an embolism, but you you can't give yourself the bends putting air up your a**."
"The bends occurs when your whole body goes from high pressure to low pressure too rapidly, and nitrogen in your blood forms bubbles. But your intestines don't exchange significant amounts of gas with your blood."
"However, if the pressure in your intestines is too high, it can cause a tear, and then gas can force its way into exposed blood vessels."
"In both cases, bubbles of gas can travel through blood vessels and obstruct blood flow somewhere important, and you could die. But you wouldn't feel the widespread bodily effects, associated with the bends, by pumping air up your ass." – Throw14301
"They DO absorb CO2, though. Just not N2. This is why colonoscopies moved to CO2- there's no "desufflation period" of farting out the gas. It's just absorbed and soon exhaled. Elevated CO2 in the blood is bad, but the body is very efficient at exhaling it out of the blood." – Oznog99
With the painful lesson learnt, other Redditors chuckled over the silliness of the OP's stunt, starting with his typo that didn't go unnoticed.
"My favourite part was where you got a good amount of air in your Cologne." – a_white_fountain
"Welcome to the Air Force, Private Organ." – DKOMofo
"There's a whole community of people who get off to inflating themselves this way, although I think they use an aquarium pump."
"I ran into a lot of crazy shit in the Air Force but none as hilarious as this."
"The closest thing to this I ever even heard about was airmen doing beer enemas in the dorms so they couldn't be detected with a breathalyzer. This is quite dangerous though and could cause alcohol poisoning." – warhawkjah
While his classmates thought the incident was priceless, the OP is lucky to survive and share his ensuing farting antics as a public service announcement of the things people shouldn't do.
And dude, please go wash your underwear, asap.
Next tme flatulence is needed, the remote controlled Fart Machine No.2 (30 Louder Fart Sounds, Works up to 100 Feet Away) is available here.
