Doctors Are Honestly Advising Young Men Not To Masturbate Using Banana Peels In The Year Of Our Lord 2020
After everything we've been through together as a human race, Doctors likely thought they wouldn't have to say this, but here we are:
Men, please stop masturbating with banana peels.
Social media has led to many men picking up the habit. On Reddit, one man who said he's been "doing it for years," said:
"It's the closet thing to a blowjob."
Here’s a SUREFIRE way to get me to masturbate with a banana peel - tell me not to masturbate with a banana peel. https://t.co/pD9cJzhXAz— KFC (@KFC) 1579818371.0
Dr. Diana Gill of the prescription service Doctor-4-U strongly advised against using peels for pleasure, however.
She told The Sun:
"You could develop a rash and sores on the penis which can be painful and might lead to infection."
How lonely do u have to be to go "Yeah that banana peel? I'd tap that" https://t.co/CmfNS6dflg— Element82 👀 PINNED (@Element82 👀 PINNED) 1579812047.0
Who just got up one day and then decided to wack off with a banana peel? https://t.co/lzY8q2sM8g— ArchitronOverlord (@ArchitronOverlord) 1579876028.0
She went on to talk about how people with latex allergies may be especially susceptible to a reaction.
"A person with a banana allergy is more likely to be allergic to other substances such as latex or other fruits and vegetables. So if you're allergic to latex condoms you may also be allergic to banana skins."
I'll stop masturbating with this banana peel when you pry it from my cold, sticky hands https://t.co/6kk6ZvLjwx— Officer Grant (@Officer Grant) 1579875003.0
For a far less clinical description of why you should avoid the practice, look no further than this Reddit post which appeared in r/teenagers, titled "Don't make the mistake of masturbating with a banana peel..."
"In order for you to understand my situation, allow me to take you back to yesterday, where I, a young boy filled with hormones and hope, began to get creative. After years of jerking it using the same old handy-dandy method, one grows bored and begins to seek ways to broaden their horizons. This is the situation I found myself in, and since I've already explored several different methods (e.g. making a fifi, using peanut butter (wouldn't recommend, you'll get yourself into a sticky situation), in between couch cushions, etc.) I began to think of more innovative techniques."
"As my mind failed to come up with any I deemed enticing enough, I resorted to the internet in hopes of finding one there. As I searched, I came upon a website with a list of 'homemade male sex toys' and began to read. Unsurprisingly, I had already tried most of the ideas stated, but then I laid my eyes upon one I had never even considered– using a banana peel. Once I saw it, I knew I had to try."
"So, I began to gather my supplies. I walked across the street to my grandmother's house to get some bananas as my house didn't have any, and practically ran back to my house, the anticipation propelling me. In my kitchen, I cut the tip off of the banana, wrapped it in tape to prevent it from breaking, and squeezed the innards out. Bright eyed and bushy tailed, my hollow banana and I went to the bathroom to do the deed. If only I could have foreseen the upcoming events. Perhaps then I could have spared myself the pain and humiliation."
"Once I made everything was in place, I loaded up Pornhub and chose the first video I saw. Once I was hard enough, I stuffed my dick into the banana peel and began to go to town. Mere seconds in, I began to notice the mess I was making. The banana peel still had remnants stuck to the sides, and my meat stick was liquifying it. Despite the fact that there was now black goop running down my balls and thighs, I was determined to finish because mama didn't raise no quitter. And besides, if I stopped then, how would I know if the mess would've been worth it? Spoiler alert: It wasn't."
"I still don't understand how a seemingly empty banana was able to produce so much liquid. By the time I nutted (Nat? Nate?), the entirety of my body from the waist down was absolutely covered in the banana's dark liquid and below me was a puddle of it. I now understand why banana peels are so slippery. As I rose from the toilet seat I was sitting on to begin to clean up the mess I made, my feet slipped and my body fell back in what seemed like slow motion. In my descent, I banged my head against the toilet seat. Luckily, my parents were not home and so they weren't alerted by the commotion coming from their son nearly dying in the bathroom."
"Once I got my bearings, I got up in pain and took the most shameful, dishonorable shower of my life. The entire time, I was sulking over the fact that jerking off with a godd***ed banana peel was the reason for why my head was in the immeasurable amount of pain it was in then. After my shower of shame, I dragged myself to bed, and proceeded to sleep, unsure if I would wake up from my slumber, yet not worried about the prospect of not waking. If I died in my sleep, at least I wouldn't have to think about that moment ever again."
"So. hopefully you've learned from my mistake. This sub has had its fair share of warnings in regards to what not to use to jerk off, and I am here to share my input. Please, save yourself the trouble and just don't use a banana. It's not anywhere near as rewarding as you may think."
Men, you have been warned not to masturbate with banana peel. If I were you, I would take this warning extremely seriously.— Julie Bindel (@Julie Bindel) 1579866330.0
Despite all these warnings, websites like JackInWorld (aimed at helping men masturbate to their fullest potential) continue to rate the "banana man" as a highly pleasurable technique, with a 4.5/5 rating on the site.
i prob woulda gone my whole life without banging a banana peel but being told not to really makes me wanna bang a b… https://t.co/GkMucit4f7— pja (@pja) 1579821299.0
One commenter on that site wrote:
"I have used the banana skin technique occasionally for many years (I'm now 78)"
The doctor begs, he pleads with me as I hold the banana peel. He asks that I not use it. But I am unmoved by his cr… https://t.co/uCyglfCCnF— ℙ𝕝𝔸𝕘𝕌𝕖-𝔻𝕠𝔾 (@ℙ𝕝𝔸𝕘𝕌𝕖-𝔻𝕠𝔾) 1579842140.0
Men, you have been warned. No banana peels. Not now. Not EVER.