"I know a guy for that." You expect that to be like a hitman or something, right? Nah. Sometimes it can be something cooler. Like condiments. Or foreign snacks. You never know who's living in your neighborhood...

u/mrsamosa asked:

What's the weirdest thing you "know a guy" for?

Here were some of the answers.



I was hungover once and put an ad on gumtree for someone to bring me some Pho. So I have a soup guy. Turns out he's also a qualified sandwich artist.


Like A British Santa

I live in the middle of f*ck-all nowhere (Southern Indiana) and I have a foreign snack and soda guy, you give him some sort of description of what you are looking for or if you know the right thing he will be at your place in about 30 minutes with the stuff and he doesn't charge too crazy. I went to his house once to pick up since I was in the area and it's legitimately redneck Willy Wonka, he has that sh*t divided by country on shelves throughout the house then in alphabetical order, he has probably about $10K worth of foreign snacks


Aesthetic Contacts

Ever want your concrete foundation to look like a brick foundation? I have a guy for that, and he does an amazing job.

Ever need a guy to clean every filter you could possibly own? I have a guy for that too. Car filters, fish tank filters, dehumidifier filters, vacuum filters, even refrigerator filters? Does them all.


The Most Dangerous Instrument

I know a guy who plays the bagpipes and he in turn knows a lot of other guys who play the bagpipes. If I ever have a loud upstairs neighbor again, I have a nuclear option for retaliation.


A Guy For A Guy


My boss knows me as the person who "knows a guy." Pretty much anything you could need, I've got someone in my collection that can help you out. Looking for parts for a super rare arcade machine? Let me give you my guy's number. Trying to find someone to do leatherwork for your new BDSM dungeon? Yeah, I know a gal who's done that. Need someone to teach your kid the basics of making nail polish? Yep, got that contact. Need a popcorn specialist that grows 22 different varieties? No prob. Looking for someone to talk to your class about bison hybridization in the 1800s? Sure, as long as it's in the off season. Otherwise, could I offer you a prairie grass specialist instead? How about a civil war era dress maker? Drag queen who knows more about making fake boobs than anyone? How about a guy with a white horse who will rent it out with a suit of armor for proposals? Custom made irons for skin branding? I got you.

There are some days I think she and a coworker give me ridiculous requests just to see if they can stump me, but they haven't yet. I love it.


All I Need Is The Beer

I know a guy who can fix absolutely anything for a 6-pack.

Me: My toaster took a sh*t. My water softener is acting up. My pergo wood flooring is buckling. My 4 wheel drive is shuttering when I shift into 3rd. My Yamaha receiver won't display anything through the HDMI ports. My windows 10 is.......windows 10. HELP!

Him: I got you fam. You got cold Miller lite?


Dig Dig Dig

I've got a grave digger. Use him whenever a horse or cow dies, which thankfully is extremely rare.

Also got a guy for underpriced yet perfectly legal guns. Guy can get damn near anything legal, and at the cheapest prices you can find.


A Strange Want

This is gonna get buried, but uh dead things. I make preserved wet specimens, went to my local large family owned pet store and asked what they did with their dead reptiles. Got the response "oh, you want dead things?" Visit every few months and leave with about $500 of dead reptiles and invertebrates.


Saw THAT Dust, Dad

Need a bag of sawdust? My dad has an almost endless supply and will happily give you as much as you need for whatever purpose you require it for.


Where's The Beef?


I know a golf cart repair guy and a guy for advice on growing exotic Asian fruits.

Who are both beat out by my "sniffing a steak and telling me if it's actually Angus" guy


An Ogre Of A Good Time

If you need over fifty Shrek impersonators, I know a few guys -- I am one.


Like you know more than 50 Shrek impersonators, or Shrek impersonators that are over 50?


That'll do Donkey, that'll do


Type Face

I know someone who can get you 20 authentic seventies(?) toasters and a couple of typewriters for around $100.

My friend works on stage-related things and was in charge of props for a Massachusetts production of True West. We got to drive her around the state as she met up with random Craigslist folks to get vintage luggage and many many toasters and plants. And then we got to see the show for free!


Bounce Around Ideas

I used to be the Rubber Band Ball guy at my school back in year 5. I would make them and sell them, business was good. Sold them for 5 per medium and made serious bank while starting up a craze. The teachers shut me down after the 2nd week.


Oh Honey

I am the guy people have for mead. Give me a minimum of six months notice and a bunch of honey, and I will provide you with an alcoholic beverage that will impress the shit out of your guests. Anyone can buy an expensive wine for their dinner party, but how many people can serve artisanally crafted honey wine, redolent of the whimsical aroma of wildflowers?

Edit: No, you can't have any. I don't have the license to sell or ship alcohol, so it's something I do for friends and family as gifts. But totally go to r/Mead and learn to make your own. It's easier than you would expect.


All Your Needs


  1. aramaic translations, wild mushrooms, clocks+watches
  2. MC for burlesque/fashion/cosplay/etc, DM for teens, vinyl appliqué (emphasis on large wall decoration)
  3. fire performance, sociology, kink



My lettuce guy. My school always runs out of Lettuce for my sandwiches so he takes a ton and puts it in a zip lock bag. the gets there first by hiding in bathroom by the lunch area then sells the lettuce on a subscription based service where you pay him 5 bucks at the begging of each month for your lettuce that month

My school works on a system Where where you sit determines when you eat. There's different sections and they put each one in a bowl and draw out one to go first second third etc.

Tl;dr: I have a lettuce dealer


The Month Of May-o


There's a guy at work who always has mayonnaise. If my sandwich is ever feelin' a bit dry at lunch, I go to Isaac and he'll lather my bread up.


One Reddit user, Hallelujah_Jaffar, really painted the picture for us:

"The bread was dry. Again. I looked at my sandwich, so disgusted by its current state I almost lost my appetite completely. Sighing, I took a burn phone from my desk drawer and dialed an all to familiar number. Once he answered I spoke quietly.

"Isaac, it's me, I am in need of your services. Let's go to the usual place."

A half hour later I pulled up under the overpass and rolled down my window as I pulled up to the van near the dried creek bed. Isaac was waiting, staring straight ahead. He had just released the smoke he had taken in from the most recent drag of his cigarette, forming a cloud in the cab that drifted from the drivers side window.

"I can't keep bailing you out like this, dude."

"Come on, man. I just need a little fix."

"You always just need a little fix. This is the last time."

I tapped my hands on the steering wheel. Maybe Isaac was going to cut me off for real this time, but that's a problem I'd have to deal with later. I waited eagerly. My heart jumped as Isaac finally tossed a packet of mayo into my window.

"That's it, bruh. Make it last."

He didn't even finish his sentence before I tore into the packet and smeared the mayo on my dry bread before greedily eating my sandwich. Isaac just watched like he always does."

Jimmy Kimmel Live/YouTube

Haters are gonna hate, so you might as well play along with them.

Internet trolls and haters know they've made it when their insults are featured on Jimmy Kimmel Live's "Mean Tweets" segment.

On Wednesday night's show, Lizzo was one of several musicians to read out the meanest and rudest comments from their Twitter feeds.

Lizzo had the best clap back to one hater's comment.

The 31 year old "Truth Hurts" singer read a post by Twitter user @mikeb73.

@mikeb73's tweet read:

"Lizzo. Bus passes and happy meals. Two things that I imagine #Lizzo has seen a lot of. #sh**e #bbc3"

Lizzo was visibly amused by the comment, and immediately had an amazing retort:

"Yeah, I'm a big b***h and I ride a bus. A tour bus, motherf***er. Where's yours?"

You can watch the hilarious segment below. Lizzo's tweet comes around the 1:52 mark:

Kimmel's audience erupted into cheers over her "Good As Hell" response, and so did the internet.

Youtube user Rabbit commented:

"'WHERE'S YOURS?' oh my goodness Lizzo is so awesome"

Mihlali Charlieman wrote:

"Lizzo is everything 😊 that clap back was fire"

Twitter also loved how she handled the troll.

Lizzo is a champion of body positivity and self love.

The curvy singer has been very open with fans about her struggles with body image, and her journey to self acceptance and unapologetic confidence. She talked about becoming a pop star while being faced with fat-phobia and Euro-centric beauty standards in the media in an interview with Vogue earlier this year.

She told Vogue:

"I didn't have enough women to look up to and they weren't given enough space in the industry to carve out a lane for big girls that are brown and black and want to sing and dance without getting sh** talked and body shamed. I'm out here and I set my mind to it. I want to be a sex symbol and music goddess and I'm out here trying to make that happen for myself. I'm here for the fantasy but I want to be a part of that fantasy. I'm just as fine as those girls."

Cardi B., Billie Eilish, Monsta X, Chance the Rapper, Luke Bryan, Green Day, Perry Farrell, Midland, Leon Bridges, John Mayer, Alice Cooper, and Luke Combs also appeared on Kimmel's November 13th "Mean Tweets" segment.

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