an Oh Myyy Property

"I know a guy for that." You expect that to be like a hitman or something, right? Nah. Sometimes it can be something cooler. Like condiments. Or foreign snacks. You never know who's living in your neighborhood...


u/mrsamosa asked:

What's the weirdest thing you "know a guy" for?

Here were some of the answers.

Multi-Purpose

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I was hungover once and put an ad on gumtree for someone to bring me some Pho. So I have a soup guy. Turns out he's also a qualified sandwich artist.

ZeroInfluence

Like A British Santa

I live in the middle of f*ck-all nowhere (Southern Indiana) and I have a foreign snack and soda guy, you give him some sort of description of what you are looking for or if you know the right thing he will be at your place in about 30 minutes with the stuff and he doesn't charge too crazy. I went to his house once to pick up since I was in the area and it's legitimately redneck Willy Wonka, he has that sh*t divided by country on shelves throughout the house then in alphabetical order, he has probably about $10K worth of foreign snacks

L_Rayquaza

Aesthetic Contacts

Ever want your concrete foundation to look like a brick foundation? I have a guy for that, and he does an amazing job.

Ever need a guy to clean every filter you could possibly own? I have a guy for that too. Car filters, fish tank filters, dehumidifier filters, vacuum filters, even refrigerator filters? Does them all.

zaner5

The Most Dangerous Instrument

I know a guy who plays the bagpipes and he in turn knows a lot of other guys who play the bagpipes. If I ever have a loud upstairs neighbor again, I have a nuclear option for retaliation.

Victor_HardApple

A Guy For A Guy

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My boss knows me as the person who "knows a guy." Pretty much anything you could need, I've got someone in my collection that can help you out. Looking for parts for a super rare arcade machine? Let me give you my guy's number. Trying to find someone to do leatherwork for your new BDSM dungeon? Yeah, I know a gal who's done that. Need someone to teach your kid the basics of making nail polish? Yep, got that contact. Need a popcorn specialist that grows 22 different varieties? No prob. Looking for someone to talk to your class about bison hybridization in the 1800s? Sure, as long as it's in the off season. Otherwise, could I offer you a prairie grass specialist instead? How about a civil war era dress maker? Drag queen who knows more about making fake boobs than anyone? How about a guy with a white horse who will rent it out with a suit of armor for proposals? Custom made irons for skin branding? I got you.

There are some days I think she and a coworker give me ridiculous requests just to see if they can stump me, but they haven't yet. I love it.

Just_call_me_Marcia

All I Need Is The Beer

I know a guy who can fix absolutely anything for a 6-pack.

Me: My toaster took a sh*t. My water softener is acting up. My pergo wood flooring is buckling. My 4 wheel drive is shuttering when I shift into 3rd. My Yamaha receiver won't display anything through the HDMI ports. My windows 10 is.......windows 10. HELP!

Him: I got you fam. You got cold Miller lite?

porkchop2022

Dig Dig Dig

I've got a grave digger. Use him whenever a horse or cow dies, which thankfully is extremely rare.

Also got a guy for underpriced yet perfectly legal guns. Guy can get damn near anything legal, and at the cheapest prices you can find.

BARDLover

A Strange Want

This is gonna get buried, but uh dead things. I make preserved wet specimens, went to my local large family owned pet store and asked what they did with their dead reptiles. Got the response "oh, you want dead things?" Visit every few months and leave with about $500 of dead reptiles and invertebrates.

brontuu

Saw THAT Dust, Dad

Need a bag of sawdust? My dad has an almost endless supply and will happily give you as much as you need for whatever purpose you require it for.

mcsuicide

Where's The Beef?

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I know a golf cart repair guy and a guy for advice on growing exotic Asian fruits.

Who are both beat out by my "sniffing a steak and telling me if it's actually Angus" guy

Reworked

An Ogre Of A Good Time

If you need over fifty Shrek impersonators, I know a few guys -- I am one.

GHDO13

Like you know more than 50 Shrek impersonators, or Shrek impersonators that are over 50?

keyprops

That'll do Donkey, that'll do

yeckle11

Type Face

I know someone who can get you 20 authentic seventies(?) toasters and a couple of typewriters for around $100.

My friend works on stage-related things and was in charge of props for a Massachusetts production of True West. We got to drive her around the state as she met up with random Craigslist folks to get vintage luggage and many many toasters and plants. And then we got to see the show for free!

marshmallowhug

Bounce Around Ideas

I used to be the Rubber Band Ball guy at my school back in year 5. I would make them and sell them, business was good. Sold them for 5 per medium and made serious bank while starting up a craze. The teachers shut me down after the 2nd week.

l-Orion-l

Oh Honey

I am the guy people have for mead. Give me a minimum of six months notice and a bunch of honey, and I will provide you with an alcoholic beverage that will impress the shit out of your guests. Anyone can buy an expensive wine for their dinner party, but how many people can serve artisanally crafted honey wine, redolent of the whimsical aroma of wildflowers?

Edit: No, you can't have any. I don't have the license to sell or ship alcohol, so it's something I do for friends and family as gifts. But totally go to r/Mead and learn to make your own. It's easier than you would expect.

The_First_Viking

All Your Needs

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  1. aramaic translations, wild mushrooms, clocks+watches
  2. MC for burlesque/fashion/cosplay/etc, DM for teens, vinyl appliqué (emphasis on large wall decoration)
  3. fire performance, sociology, kink

padmaclynne

Lettuce-Go

My lettuce guy. My school always runs out of Lettuce for my sandwiches so he takes a ton and puts it in a zip lock bag. the gets there first by hiding in bathroom by the lunch area then sells the lettuce on a subscription based service where you pay him 5 bucks at the begging of each month for your lettuce that month

My school works on a system Where where you sit determines when you eat. There's different sections and they put each one in a bowl and draw out one to go first second third etc.

Tl;dr: I have a lettuce dealer

Normie9gagftw

The Month Of May-o

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There's a guy at work who always has mayonnaise. If my sandwich is ever feelin' a bit dry at lunch, I go to Isaac and he'll lather my bread up.

SandwichCubano

One Reddit user, Hallelujah_Jaffar, really painted the picture for us:

"The bread was dry. Again. I looked at my sandwich, so disgusted by its current state I almost lost my appetite completely. Sighing, I took a burn phone from my desk drawer and dialed an all to familiar number. Once he answered I spoke quietly.

"Isaac, it's me, I am in need of your services. Let's go to the usual place."

A half hour later I pulled up under the overpass and rolled down my window as I pulled up to the van near the dried creek bed. Isaac was waiting, staring straight ahead. He had just released the smoke he had taken in from the most recent drag of his cigarette, forming a cloud in the cab that drifted from the drivers side window.

"I can't keep bailing you out like this, dude."

"Come on, man. I just need a little fix."

"You always just need a little fix. This is the last time."

I tapped my hands on the steering wheel. Maybe Isaac was going to cut me off for real this time, but that's a problem I'd have to deal with later. I waited eagerly. My heart jumped as Isaac finally tossed a packet of mayo into my window.

"That's it, bruh. Make it last."

He didn't even finish his sentence before I tore into the packet and smeared the mayo on my dry bread before greedily eating my sandwich. Isaac just watched like he always does."


We're all self-conscious about something, and it doesn't help when our faults get thrown in our faces. You don't want doctors hinting that something is "weird down there," nor do you want someone to tell you you're balding. WE KNOW.

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Fox News, @hewster1369/Twitter

A guest on Fox News is being roasted online after his unusual description of how one would get high on marijuana.

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When you know your kids backwards and forwards, this is the best tool in your arsenal.

Getting our kids to listen to us is not always the easiest of tasks. They're willful and stubborn, but we've got a mighty weapon they are rarely prepared for: reverse psychology. Getting them to convince themselves to want to do something against their own initial intentions takes some work and a whole lot of creativity, but a little sneaky manipulation goes a long way. Here are some clever parents' tricks that are definitely worth taking notes on.

Redditor u/LeanderD Asks:

Parents of reddit, what's your best example of reversed psychology on your kids that actually worked?

He Floated His Idea Through A Back Channel

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Wanted to name my boat. Anything I would think of was dismissed as stupid by my 13 year old son. After deciding on a name, I confided to a male friend my son liked. Made my friend suggest the name as though it was his idea. My son thought the name was perfect. Done.

calypsodweller

We Always Want What We Can't Have

One of my best friends through childhood used to be punished with no salad if she misbehaved. She cherishes salad now and would always try to eat as much as possible during school lunch. Coincidentally, her now husband used to be punished with no books, it had the same effect. I think it's hilarious that they'd be hitting the salad bar and library like some black market their narc parents couldn't reach hahaha.

cookiearthquake

A Deceit That's A Cut Above The Rest

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Don't know if this counts, but, at my high school (private, boys only) in the 1960's, they made a big deal about how long your hair was, and would occasionally order a boy to go home and "get a haircut".

I thought it was stupid, until years later, a master confided to me at a reunion that the policy was deliberate. The school figured we'd spend so much energy rebelling about hair length, that we would ignore other aspects of teenage rebellion. (Not?) Surprisingly, they were mostly right.

FrankDrakman

Damn! That's smart. Wow.

fangxx456

Oh they don't like long hair?

I'll show them. I'll grow my hair out as lon- what?! No I don't want to go "party"? I gotta try out this horse shampoo.

DankeyKang11

The Forbidden Book

Hi I was a victim,

There was a forbidden book that I was not allow to read on the shelf. My parents said I could only read it if I behave myself.

It was summer holidays and I was playing games all day (after 6 hrs of summer homework). One day I was home alone and had the opportunity to grabbed it. I read like half of it in one go. It was 5000 years of Chinese history.

Safe to say I was bamboozled.

oddstodd

Flowers Of The Queen

My parents always told me my broccoli were the flowers of the queen and that I really shouldn't eat them, or else the queen would get very upset! I, of course, ate the whole broccoli in a few seconds.

Subwoofy

I'm telling the queen and she's gonna be pissed

draculacletus

Sleeping Beauty

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I taught my kids when they were toddlers that no amount of yelling, shaking or hitting can wake a sleeping adult. The only thing that works is a gentle hug and/or a nice kiss on the cheek.

Edit: Probably needed some more details for the reverse psychology aspect to be clear. It went something like this - Step one, tell the kids I'm going to sleep and nothing they do will wake me (head buried face down is the safest position). Step two, after the initial onslaught dies down pretend to awaken on your own. Tell them you got a bit of nap left in you and nothing can wake you, especially not hugs and kisses.

DrMethusael

Holy sh*t...if my daughter woke me up like this I would buy her a pony.

All-Seeing_Elon

I am saving this comment because this will save lives if I ever have kids, stg.

smerter

A Walk In Someone Else's Shoes.

Split custody with my ex. When my son was around 10, he visited two weekends a month. I was waiting tables and didn't have a huge amount to spend, but he was so needy from divorce (and I'm not blaming him, it was ugly), he begged constantly for MORE when he was with me. Whatever more was, it didn't matter... he'd be eating ice cream cone and begging for teriyaki.

I finally realized that he just felt empty, and getting MORE whatever from me wasn't filling him up. His next visit I handed him $100 in cash and told him it was our food/fun budget for 3 days and two nights, and he was in charge of it. I bought him his own wallet to carry. We figured out how many times we were going to eat and what we were going to do, and he paid. He got to keep whatever money he had left...thought he was rich...then realized just how much everything cost. Well. Shoe on other foot then. If we had no money for food, we ate leftovers - and I didn't contribute more to pot. After a few weekends of running short or not getting something he actually wanted because he was foolish with funds, he started to really think about how to spend that money. He budgeted and kept to his budget. And a few times he actually went home with a little cash for his private stash.

Many years later, he thanked me for this. It really changed the way he thought about money and love.

Augumenti

This Is Worth Giving A Shot

Took my 3 year old son to one of those doctor's visits where he was going to get a shot. He was worried about the shot on the whole drive over, almost to the point of tears. We get to the doctor's office and a nurse subtly lets me know that my son is not just scheduled for 1 shot, but 5 of them in the same visit.

I turn to my son with an exaggerated smile and tell him, "Good news! They figured out how to take that one big shot you were going to get and instead break it up into these 5 little tiny shots so it won't hurt nearly as much!"

You could see the relief wash over his face. He stopped squirming and relaxed completely. He took the first shot and even smiled and said "It's true! The small ones don't hurt!"

We actually made it through the third shot before the effect wore off and reality kicked in. Still... I counted it as a victory.

blackbird77

Put This To The Taste

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My mom would tell me she only lets me eat soup after candy and she'd only buy me candy that i didn't like. After a few times, i stopped trying and begged her to let me eat soup first. She gave me a smirk and told me go ahead. This doesn't sound as evil as it was. But trust me i suffered.

turkeypr0

So what was the candy?

Poster_Main

Mint chocolate, raisins, stuff like that. I still hate them to this day. Who the f--- thought while eating chocolate "hmm id like some tooth paste with this."

turkeypr0

This is Truckin' Awesome

Mum had sworn a bit around the house.

When 4, while out at the supermarket, I said F word really loudly.

Very quickly and intently, she asked if I had just said "Truck" and said that was a bad word and not to ever say Truck like that again.

I thought that was the bad word so used that when being naughty.

GodOfTheThunder

The "Silly Mom" Routine

The "Silly Mom" routine.

My kid, and a few other kids I've known, would balk at getting ready to go. I'd grab their clothes and say, "Well, if you won't put on your clothes, I guess I'll put on your clothes. Cute shirt, by the way! Does it go on my foot?"

NO!

"Does it go on my head?"

NO! IT GOES ON ME!

"Oh, that's right, thanks! So, it must go on your legs, right?"

NO!

"I just can't figure this out! Where does this adorable shirt go?"

[kid grabs shirt and puts it on] ON MY TUMMY! SILLY MOM!

"Oh, thank you so much! Now what about these pants? Shirts go on tummies, so...the pants go on the tummy, too, right?"

NO!

[continue until kids have dressed themselves]

I would also do things like hand the kid my keys and say, "Alright, you're driving, I'll sit in the booster seat in back," attempt to feed the kid by putting a spoon up to his ear or his belly button, and attempt to put away his toys in the refrigerator.

insertcaffeine

Some Foot For Thought.

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My mum would always yell at us "if you don't do X, you have to go to bed without socks!"

I never wore socks anyway, and I'm ashamed to admit that this worked.

Splittsky

That would work really well on my son, or make him cry for a really long time... He's 3 and over the last few weeks has decided that he is fully unable to sleep without socks on.

PJQueen

Toddlers man. Completely unpredictable.

SheaRVA

I'm Greens With Envy

My mum had a friend that would put vegetables on her own plate and not the kids.

When the kids asked she would be reluctant to share, "that's grown up food. But I suppose I can let you have a little."

Her kids grew up loving vegetables.

I sat at the dinner table for 3 hours staring at the yucky cauliflower I refused to eat.

laik72

This reminds me of an instance when my child convinced my wife and myself to change our plans for dinner. We were in a grocery store to pick up something quick and easy to eat that we wouldn't have to prepare. Our daughter, wanted none of that, she demanded that she wanted a salad from the salad bar. We started to argue back, but then realized: "Our child demands that we feed her vegetables for dinner instead of a microwaved meal, why are we saying 'No?'"

We had salad for dinner that night.

Galaxy_Ranger_Bob

The Power Of Choice

I don't so much know if you would call it reverse psychology, but I didn't realize it until my dad told me this.

When there were chores that needed doing, he noticed if he asked me to mow the lawn, I would complain and procrastinate. But if he asked would I rather mow the lawn or wash the windows, I'd pick one and just get it done.

Shattered my brain when he told me when I was in my twenties. I use it when I'm coaching or baby sitting all the time and it almost never fails.

AppealToReason16

The Boy Who Cried 'Ouch'

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I've done this one with tens of kids. Any time a kid gets "hurt" (falls down on grass, gets gently hit in the face with a ball, etc.) instead of stopping the activity to pick the kid up and see if they're ok you just scoot them off to the side and resume. Within 10 seconds of not getting all the attention and seeing the fun is resuming they pop right back up and are magically healed.

This of course is only for the "injuries" that aren't actually injuries.

pedanticProgramer

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