oh-myyy-ribbon

"I know a guy for that." You expect that to be like a hitman or something, right? Nah. Sometimes it can be something cooler. Like condiments. Or foreign snacks. You never know who's living in your neighborhood...


u/mrsamosa asked:

What's the weirdest thing you "know a guy" for?

Here were some of the answers.

Multi-Purpose

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I was hungover once and put an ad on gumtree for someone to bring me some Pho. So I have a soup guy. Turns out he's also a qualified sandwich artist.

ZeroInfluence

Like A British Santa

I live in the middle of f*ck-all nowhere (Southern Indiana) and I have a foreign snack and soda guy, you give him some sort of description of what you are looking for or if you know the right thing he will be at your place in about 30 minutes with the stuff and he doesn't charge too crazy. I went to his house once to pick up since I was in the area and it's legitimately redneck Willy Wonka, he has that sh*t divided by country on shelves throughout the house then in alphabetical order, he has probably about $10K worth of foreign snacks

L_Rayquaza

Aesthetic Contacts

Ever want your concrete foundation to look like a brick foundation? I have a guy for that, and he does an amazing job.

Ever need a guy to clean every filter you could possibly own? I have a guy for that too. Car filters, fish tank filters, dehumidifier filters, vacuum filters, even refrigerator filters? Does them all.

zaner5

The Most Dangerous Instrument

I know a guy who plays the bagpipes and he in turn knows a lot of other guys who play the bagpipes. If I ever have a loud upstairs neighbor again, I have a nuclear option for retaliation.

Victor_HardApple

A Guy For A Guy

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My boss knows me as the person who "knows a guy." Pretty much anything you could need, I've got someone in my collection that can help you out. Looking for parts for a super rare arcade machine? Let me give you my guy's number. Trying to find someone to do leatherwork for your new BDSM dungeon? Yeah, I know a gal who's done that. Need someone to teach your kid the basics of making nail polish? Yep, got that contact. Need a popcorn specialist that grows 22 different varieties? No prob. Looking for someone to talk to your class about bison hybridization in the 1800s? Sure, as long as it's in the off season. Otherwise, could I offer you a prairie grass specialist instead? How about a civil war era dress maker? Drag queen who knows more about making fake boobs than anyone? How about a guy with a white horse who will rent it out with a suit of armor for proposals? Custom made irons for skin branding? I got you.

There are some days I think she and a coworker give me ridiculous requests just to see if they can stump me, but they haven't yet. I love it.

Just_call_me_Marcia

All I Need Is The Beer

I know a guy who can fix absolutely anything for a 6-pack.

Me: My toaster took a sh*t. My water softener is acting up. My pergo wood flooring is buckling. My 4 wheel drive is shuttering when I shift into 3rd. My Yamaha receiver won't display anything through the HDMI ports. My windows 10 is.......windows 10. HELP!

Him: I got you fam. You got cold Miller lite?

porkchop2022

Dig Dig Dig

I've got a grave digger. Use him whenever a horse or cow dies, which thankfully is extremely rare.

Also got a guy for underpriced yet perfectly legal guns. Guy can get damn near anything legal, and at the cheapest prices you can find.

BARDLover

A Strange Want

This is gonna get buried, but uh dead things. I make preserved wet specimens, went to my local large family owned pet store and asked what they did with their dead reptiles. Got the response "oh, you want dead things?" Visit every few months and leave with about $500 of dead reptiles and invertebrates.

brontuu

Saw THAT Dust, Dad

Need a bag of sawdust? My dad has an almost endless supply and will happily give you as much as you need for whatever purpose you require it for.

mcsuicide

Where's The Beef?

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I know a golf cart repair guy and a guy for advice on growing exotic Asian fruits.

Who are both beat out by my "sniffing a steak and telling me if it's actually Angus" guy

Reworked

An Ogre Of A Good Time

If you need over fifty Shrek impersonators, I know a few guys -- I am one.

GHDO13

Like you know more than 50 Shrek impersonators, or Shrek impersonators that are over 50?

keyprops

That'll do Donkey, that'll do

yeckle11

Type Face

I know someone who can get you 20 authentic seventies(?) toasters and a couple of typewriters for around $100.

My friend works on stage-related things and was in charge of props for a Massachusetts production of True West. We got to drive her around the state as she met up with random Craigslist folks to get vintage luggage and many many toasters and plants. And then we got to see the show for free!

marshmallowhug

Bounce Around Ideas

I used to be the Rubber Band Ball guy at my school back in year 5. I would make them and sell them, business was good. Sold them for 5 per medium and made serious bank while starting up a craze. The teachers shut me down after the 2nd week.

l-Orion-l

Oh Honey

I am the guy people have for mead. Give me a minimum of six months notice and a bunch of honey, and I will provide you with an alcoholic beverage that will impress the shit out of your guests. Anyone can buy an expensive wine for their dinner party, but how many people can serve artisanally crafted honey wine, redolent of the whimsical aroma of wildflowers?

Edit: No, you can't have any. I don't have the license to sell or ship alcohol, so it's something I do for friends and family as gifts. But totally go to r/Mead and learn to make your own. It's easier than you would expect.

The_First_Viking

All Your Needs

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  1. aramaic translations, wild mushrooms, clocks+watches
  2. MC for burlesque/fashion/cosplay/etc, DM for teens, vinyl appliqué (emphasis on large wall decoration)
  3. fire performance, sociology, kink

padmaclynne

Lettuce-Go

My lettuce guy. My school always runs out of Lettuce for my sandwiches so he takes a ton and puts it in a zip lock bag. the gets there first by hiding in bathroom by the lunch area then sells the lettuce on a subscription based service where you pay him 5 bucks at the begging of each month for your lettuce that month

My school works on a system Where where you sit determines when you eat. There's different sections and they put each one in a bowl and draw out one to go first second third etc.

Tl;dr: I have a lettuce dealer

Normie9gagftw

The Month Of May-o

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There's a guy at work who always has mayonnaise. If my sandwich is ever feelin' a bit dry at lunch, I go to Isaac and he'll lather my bread up.

SandwichCubano

One Reddit user, Hallelujah_Jaffar, really painted the picture for us:

"The bread was dry. Again. I looked at my sandwich, so disgusted by its current state I almost lost my appetite completely. Sighing, I took a burn phone from my desk drawer and dialed an all to familiar number. Once he answered I spoke quietly.

"Isaac, it's me, I am in need of your services. Let's go to the usual place."

A half hour later I pulled up under the overpass and rolled down my window as I pulled up to the van near the dried creek bed. Isaac was waiting, staring straight ahead. He had just released the smoke he had taken in from the most recent drag of his cigarette, forming a cloud in the cab that drifted from the drivers side window.

"I can't keep bailing you out like this, dude."

"Come on, man. I just need a little fix."

"You always just need a little fix. This is the last time."

I tapped my hands on the steering wheel. Maybe Isaac was going to cut me off for real this time, but that's a problem I'd have to deal with later. I waited eagerly. My heart jumped as Isaac finally tossed a packet of mayo into my window.

"That's it, bruh. Make it last."

He didn't even finish his sentence before I tore into the packet and smeared the mayo on my dry bread before greedily eating my sandwich. Isaac just watched like he always does."

There aren't too many things that would make you go, "Man, I'd rather go to hell than be here right now. Hell has demons, torture, fire, and all the ill-prepared pizza they can shove down my throat." However, if you had to choose between these people's predicaments and hell, you'd probably be ready to have pizza for dinner.

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You don't need to have children to be successful, but gender roles and societal expectations are awful. Just ask any woman you know: Chances are she's been poked and prodded and interrogated over her decision not to have children.

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Dad jokes can feel like the unloved step-sibling of the comical world. "Why would we laugh at something so obvious and stupid?"

Becuase it's hilarious, that's why. Just check out the following entries below and see for yourself.

Reddit user, u/GrotiusandPufendorf, wanted to know what the funniest jokes on the planet are when they asked:

What is your favorite dad joke?

A Murder Of Cows?

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Dad: Look at that flock of cows over there.

Kids: A HERD of cows.

Dad: Of course I heard of cows, there is a flock of them right over there.

Note: pulled that joke successfully a few times, and my kids even did it to their summer camp instructor.

ManOfLaBook

We Should Probably Leaf

At the park with my girls: "Dad, can we go play?"

Me: "sure, just stay away from those trees over there"

Girls: " umm...ok, why?"

Me: " I don't know...they look a little shady to me."

Good for producing eye rolls

Fleurdelis502

What Better Way To Carry It Home

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"Would you like the milk in the bag?"

Dad: "No thanks, you can keep it in the carton."

Captain-Yesh

Scrambled Or Over-Easy?

Dad at breakfast: I'll have bacon and eggs, please

Waiter: How do you like your eggs?

Dad: I don't know, I haven't gotten them yet!

roman12325

Feeling The Humor

Dad: "Nice shirt, is that felt?"

Not Dad: "No."

Dad: Reaches over and touches sleeve "It is now!"

Cheese_Pancakes

That Joke Killed!

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Why do graveyards have gates?

Because people are dying to get in.

My Dad always told it passing a graveyard.

Vlaed

Lean Back. Lean Back.

"I love my furniture. My recliner and I go way back."

akaShadezz11

Stating The Obvious, But Still Hilarious

I had a terrible day yesterday. As I was walking home, a man in a wheelchair stole my camouflage jacket!

As he was wheeling away, I shouted after him, "you can hide but you can't run!"

Jantra

Give It A Second...

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A magician was walking down the street.

Then, he turned into a grocery store.

aworldwithoutshrimp

Car Humor. That's All.

Dad putting car in reverse

Dad: Ahh, this takes me back

Hkatsupreme

That's Always The Point

Not a joke in the traditional sense but, when I'm at a restaurant and the waitress says "Do you wanna box for that?" I always reply with "No, but I'll wrestle you for it."

No one ever gets it but it makes me laugh. And that's the point, right?

bdoz138

And the King of Them All...?

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I tell dad jokes.

Sometimes he laughs.

Moleskin21

Believing in dub stuff as a kid is par for the course. When we're children, we're just tinier humans with less life experience, right? But let's be real- some of the dumb things we believed were actually really, really dumb.

u/ThePolishPA asked: What's the dumbest thing you believed as a child?

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They always say, don't meet your heroes. But here's the thing- sometimes your heroes are actually just chill, normal people. This can be refreshing in a world of egos.

A Quora user asked: Who's the nicest celebrity you've ever met?

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@BigDon0/Twitter


Oprah Winfrey may no longer be doling out free cars by the dozens like she did on her long-running day time talk show.

But that doesn't mean her generosity is history.

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