Get the cheaters out. Ain't nobody need them. They'll also do anything to cover their butts, which is gross in and of itself. But sometimes the excuses are worth a laugh.
u/so_not_a_redditor asked Reddit:
What's the lamest excuse an ex has given you after getting caught cheating?
Here were some of the answers.
The Wind, I SwearGiphy
I went on a trip, and when I got home all of the pictures featuring me were under the bed. He told me that "the wind was blowing them around", but apparently it was only the pictures I was in, and not the posters or art inches away from them. Keep in mind, he was staying in MY apartment, and they were under MY bed.
Bologna Level: Max
One of my best friends boyfriends told her that he was sleeping with another girl so he could find out how to please a woman better. When she asked him why couldn't he just ask her, he said he didn't want to make her feel self conscious by asking her.
Anteaters Put Up A Good FightGiphy
He had hickeys all the way up and down his chest and neck. He told me he got in a fight. Dude, with an anteater?
Traveling Made Me Do It
I travelled for business a lot, and thought I had a solid relationship. Even cleared the travel job with the wife (now ex) before I accepted. I come home one evening, she picks me up at the airport and everything seems normal. Go to bed that night, wake up in the middle of the night and she's not in bed with me. I hear headboard from next door hitting the wall that separates the bedrooms from the two apartments. 5 minutes after it stops I hear my door open, so I pretend to be asleep. She comes in and gets back into bed and snuggles up to me. Needless to say her excuse was much the same. She told me that since I was gone so much, the guy that lived next door had been hitting on her and she just couldn't resist. I left the next day.
My ex in high school cheated on me twice in one weekend with the same guy (I was away for the weekend). It was a childhood friend of hers, so I didn't see it coming honestly.
The first time it "just kind of happened"
The second time she figured since she knew I was going to break up with her, she might as well do it again, "that way he totally has to break up with his girlfriend now"
Spoiler: He didn't, but I certainly did.
"I'm a Latino. It's in our blood."
He really did say that. I've dated and been friends with a lot of Latino men, he was the only one who couldn't keep it in his pants. It still disgusts me to think about it. He should be embarrassed that he ever said that.
Ma'am, That's Incest
"He's my half brother!" Saddest thing is she wasn't lying and she was cheating on me with her half brother who was 8 years older than her. Funniest thing is that she told me she chooses him and she was sorry... as if I'd take her back if she chose me. I joke about this story now but back then it really tore into me.
When I caught her I actually laughed. She tried to hide under the covers. I just told the guy "I hope you can afford her". She said she cheated because he was constantly complimenting her on her looks and paying attention to her. I was working 60 hour weeks to pay for a lifestyle we couldn't afford.
I had caught him sexting with girls before, so the trust was pretty much gone (unfortunately I was young and dumb at the time, so I didn't immediately dump the sh-thead). Some time after, I had a feeling that something was off about him- so I took his phone when he went to the bathroom and checked his recent messages (not proud, but hey: he reacted abnormally defensive when I tried to talk and I was desperate). First conversation was with a random girl he met online, sexting, sending nudes, discussing when the were going to meet up... And within 3 minutes I found tons of similar conversations, one of them with my best friend. Yelled at him, cried, kicked him out. His response? "It was just a test. Those girls are only friends, I wanted to see if you trusted me enough not to check my phone- Those convos are all fake!" Needless to say I didn't believe him. After he realised I wasn't going to believe him, he told me it was my fault because I was an annoying girlfriend.
Yelled "Well then you must be happy that I'm dumping you!" and closed the door.
I'm Not Buying This
"But I was thinking of you the whole time!" followed by, "We both [she and guy she cheated on me with] agreed that if y'all [me and guy she cheated with's girlfriend] ever cheated, we would want you to do it with each other!" That's supposed to make me feel better? WTF.
Mine just refused to admit that she was cheating.
She decided that she didn't need me anymore (bit of a story there) but instead of leaving me she just started cheating. The guy was someone who she used to work with but got fired from the bookstore.
She and I were mid 20s but this guy was mid 30s, unemployed, no degree or job skills or training (hence being mid 30s working in and getting fired from a bookstore), a big smoker (which she said that she could never date), and MARRIED. She knew that he was married. He knew that she was engaged to me.
I worked midnights at a job which was 75% of our income. So I slept during the day. His wife worked during the day to support both of them. So when I was sleeping and his wife was at work they did their thing. She'd drive over to meet him after his wife left, they did their thing, and made sure to get him home before his wife and she got back before I woke up.
But, nope. She denied cheating. She didn't want me anymore, was sneakily spending as much time as possible alone with him and lying to me about where she was which is how I caught her, and leaving me for him, but according to her she totally wasn't cheating on me with him.
Digging A HoleGiphy
One of my best friends is going through a divorce, and after catching his wife in the act AFTER finding damning evidence, her excuses were "I don't remember it," then "I must've been like, sleepwalking," then "I thought we said we could have an open marriage?" and finally blamed it on him for making her work. Because "if you'd just let me be a stay at home mom, this would've never happened."
Where Do You Come Up With This?
"They came over and wouldn't leave until we did it! "
One of my ex's when she had a threesome..I literally laughed out loud and hung up the phone, she called a week later ( when her parents got back in town) while I was at work and stupid me answered without looking at who called.. She told me she couldn't call me because he took her phone and said she could only get it back by giving him endless BJs but she was sorry blah blah blah... It was long distance at this point in time so I just hung up without saying a word blocked her number. She was crazy... I called her dad and told him and she got some help but yeah, bullet dodged there.
I am a gay guy and the excuse he gave was :
"You haven't had sex with me in a month. Plus that day you refused to go out on a date with me. You hurt my feelings"
Now some context:
The day this dude was referring to was a WEEK after my Dad's funeral . Later that evening after leaving my place he went to the local hair salon and f***ed the hairstylist.
In the final months of his life my father was extremely weak and had to be hospitalized . This ex was upset that I didn't f*** him as I was too busy spending time with my dying father.
Never been cheated on, but my wife was cheated on by her first husband.
His reasoning was that he thought she was already cheating on him, which she wasn't.
This probably isn't the kind of insane, funny, or plain stupid reason you are looking for, but it always made me pissed off at him.
Who Exactly Are You Hurting
So most people in a relationship, or at least starting one, would probably just turn you down if you wanted to date them. But not this gal I knew. The worst thing is we were friends before this. We were pals from the same circle of friends, had been to several of each others' birthdays and holidays. Some how after a night of hanging out it was just her and I, at an all night diner because neither of us could sleep. We talked and eventually I asked her out. We went on some dates, ya-da ya-da. Then on a double date she gets mad at me and jealous of another friend because he has breathing issues so I asked her if it's fine if he sits in the front of my little mitsubishi eclipse because he's tall as f*** and can't fit back there, and she's all pouty and quiet for the rest of the date (which was a soccer game, I don't even watch soccer but her and my friend and his gf did).
This led to receiving the cold shoulder from her. I figured "I'm an adult. I don't need this", so after not getting replies I stopped trying. I speak to one of our other friends in the group, I find out the whole time we've been dating (not that long, like a month or two) and before, she's been talking to some other guys and their relationships were more serious.
I don't bring any of this up and she still doesn't know I knew because I didn't wanna ruin their friendship, but that weekend is one of our friend's birthdays and of course she's there. We have a talk and she apologizes about her behavior towards me and my friend and that she wants to try again. I just told her I'd think about it. Haven't spoken to her since.
Now the new thing that drives me up the wall even more is that she still randomly talks to my roommate from back then and asks how I'm doing and how she "really liked me" and wished we could have kept going. Just the lack of respect she showed towards me, for not warning me that she's already seeing 3-4 other guys before wasting my time, assuming she was my friend before all this, that's what sickens me.
If you read this far, thanks for letting me rant. My gf just moved out (not broke up but she moved to another city and I'm stuck here for another month) and I have a lot frustrations with no outlet.