oh-myyy-ribbon

Full confession, my closest friends often tell me I'm the dumbest genius they know. I breezed through school, handle advanced concepts with ease - and I spent ten minutes looking for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight app on my phone. The saddest part is I didn't even realize how dumb I was being on my own. I tried to recruit my ten-year-old to help me and she just stood there staring at the phone in my hand with the sort of silent pre-teen judgy face you see in sitcoms.


She didn't even have to say out loud how ashamed she was of me. She just stared until I finally got it and went "oh... wait... the phone is in my hand." Then she sighed and walked silently back to her room.

One Reddit user asked:

What's the strangest thing your brain made you do on "autopilot"?

Since I do that sort of stupidly silly thoughtless stuff on a daily basis, I felt like maybe this would be the thread for me. I wasn't wrong. I'm taking comfort in the fact that I've never forgotten that I quit a habit or just showed up on my ex's porch by accident... yet.

Sock Trash

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Went to put the trash in the clothes bin and the dirty socks in the trash can.

- [deleted]

Sandwich Time

Made a sandwich with some expensive pate left over from Christmas and combined it with some lovely cheese from a local castle.

I then cut it in half and put the knife on the plate and threw half the sandwich in the sink where I was soaking a pan from earlier.

- Dedj_McDedjson

Soup Anyone?

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I put a 2L carton of ice cream....in the pantry....

Soup, anyone?

- [deleted]

Man's Best Friend

Sleep deprivation from grief does things to your head. I live at home and work from home - when my dog I've had since childhood passed, I was utterly devastated. It was sudden, it was awful and I felt so guilty like, there was something I should've seen... But in the end, he was gone.

During my sleep deprivation period, I would wake up, go to let the dog out and feed him as part of my morning routine and then go make myself breakfast.

When I saw his food bowls weren't there on their tray, it didn't register to me. I thought he just knocked them under the table again. I got the door to the backyard open and called out for him.

And then it hit me all over again. The day he passed I went to go shove leftovers from dinner into his bowl when I had taken too much to eat and that set me off badly. With the calling him incident, I just went back to my room and curled up in bed until 3 PM.

I did things like that a LOT because I wasn't sleeping. At all.

That stands as the strangest... and saddest. Sorry...

- Storm137

In The Trash

Back in the 90's I had a long phone call (land line) with a friend. When the call was over, I threw the phone in the garbage.

- Born2dodishes

Buckle In For This Jam

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I sat down at my drum set, put my feet on the pedals and reached to put my seat belt on.

- todayIsinglehandedly

Chilled Electronics

I guess putting a remote or some other electronic inside the refrigerator? I don't even remember what it was, it's a common occurrence for me to sometimes just randomly put things that don't belong there after making a sandwich, maybe I should stop sleeping at 2 AM considering I have to wake up at 8.

- wyldenelson

Chalk Or Carrot

When I was like 3 or 4, I had chalk and a carrot in my hands. I bit into the chalk. I still remember this.

- MickTheBrick1

Lollipop

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Back when I used to smoke, I had a cigarette in one hand a lollipop in the other. You can imagine the rest...

- RandomRedditUser1337

Green Means Go

I've stopped at green traffic lights as if they were stop signs after driving through many previous intersections that had stop signs.

- The_Cars93

It was for safe keeping

Made meat balls, out off a bag, in the oven. Kind of a meal prep thing so I made a lot. When they were done I put them in a Tupperware container and then put the Tupperware container back into the Tupperware drawer. Didn't even think about them until the following night when I needed more Tupperware. Glad I found them before they started to rot. 10ampfuse

That's not autopilot...that's Vodka!

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Diving over 100 miles home and not recalling any of it. Suddenly waking up in the driveway wondering how i got there but don't remember doing it. MonKnee

It Burns!

Once, I washed my eye makeup with nail polish remover. I can tell you, it hurt! madamecoucoucriss

What are your specials?

Bit late to the show here, but here goes.

Used to work 3rds at a fast food place, coming home most mornings absolutely exhausted. Came home one day and promptly fell into bed and passed out. Some amount of time later, someone showed up at my apartment complex and rang the security buzzer, which woke me up.

I trudged out of bed, shambled to the front door, and held down the 'talk' button. "Welcome to [restautant], how can I help you?" HuoXue

Old Habits

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While getting acclimated to my new job, being half awake at 5:45, I have driven to my old job several times. I now consciously tell myself "don't turn here." rr_0223

Oh Jenahhhh! 

I've got a few...

Take off my shoes and socks, in class.

Bit into my keys when my sandwich was in the other hand.

And this one was pretty stupid, but I was on complete autopilot while driving and, I guess because there was not car in front of me, I blew through a red and didn't even notice till my friend yelled at me.

Oh and routinely answering the phone with "hello this is jenahhh from eye best, what can I do for you?" After quitting my phone job there.

jenahhhh

A bathroom comfort

Leave my purse on the counter by the sink in a multi-stall restaurant bathroom. My work has a single bathroom with a shower and everything so I guess setting my stuff on the counter by the sink became a habit. It was a good thing no one else came in and that my friend was waiting on me. Lol

firefly063

Ding Dong Gratitude

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When I worked at Panda Express, everytime a customer would round up to the next dollar to donate to charity, we would have to ring a bell and everyone yells "Thank you!" Well for awhile after I quit everytime I heard anything close to a bell sound I would randomly yell thank you. It's happened multiple times.

MalPalG

Great Minds

Not super strange, but a funny coincidence. I stopped to get gas, I pulled up to the pump went inside and bought a soda then got in my truck and left. Didn't realize I forgot gas until a mile later when my gas light came on so I pulled into the next station where my brother happened to be walking out of the store with a soda. I told him what I just did and he looks back at his car, parked not a pump but at the store, and says "holy crap I was about to do the same thing." So we had a good laugh and got our gas and went our separate ways.

Poopletsaurus

How About a Snuggle?

Arriving exhausted from work, walked like a zombie to the house, straight to my room and completely undressed as soon as I got inside, completely forgetting that a friend is with me. A lady friend that is...

We still laugh about it to this day... lgfmjr

Life in Sleep

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I am a sleep walker. Apparently, everything, including but not limited to, walking, cooking, moving furniture, sex, going outside, eating anything, and one one occasion driving. It's always played for laughs on TV, but it can be terrifying.

throwaway_whatsit

Shady Pines Ma

I sat on the toilet and was about to pee before I realized I still had my pants on.

kayveep

Maybe You Should Rest

Drove to my ex-wife's house, my old house, after work about ten years after leaving. I even wondered who the heck was in my driveway, which reminded me I don't have a driveway anymore.

Using a flashlight to look for my flashlight in the tent.

Using my phone to call my phone because I couldn't find it.

Sigh... 40_watt_range

I like Free Pizza!

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I wouldn't necessarily call this "autopilot" as it's only happened once, but I was on a first date with this girl, and we were walking past a pizzeria that had an open-air dining area that was right next to the sidewalk, separated with a short fence. While walking past a table that had a couple eating, I just grabbed a piece of pizza. I don't know why I did it, my body just acted. I immediately apologized afterwards and offered to pay for the pizza, and was COMPLETELY embarrassed.

WilIyTheGamer

Rinse, lather, repeat! 

Was attempting to wash hair in the shower, grabbed body soap instead of shampoo and rubbed that into hair. Realized what I'd done, proceeded to wash soap out and go for the shampoo. Grabbed the body soap AGAIN, rubbed it into hair a second time, pondered all of my life's mistakes as I re-washed it out. orangeintheovercast

Stare at it long enough, it'll change. 

Waiting for the stop sign to turn green. dandalyisgod

You know what? One time I treated a stop light like a stop sign and did not even realize until I was about 30 feet passed the red light I had just ran. I gasped. Really lucky it was night time and no one was around. That could've been really bad. FiddleSticks3333

The Effort Counts....

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Make a beautiful stock out of a chicken carcass. Pour it into a colander to filter out the bones. Thus resulting in a colander full of bones and the stock down the drain. TheseWereThePlaces

Always finish the coffee! 

Woke up. Grab the salt and pepper shakers I kept in my room when I was a teenager. Brought them out to the kitchen. Started making coffee while still holding the shakers. Halfway through realized I was still holding the shakers. Put them back in my room. Got dressed for school and left.

My mom yelled at me that night for not finishing making the coffee. Trackingwest

As clean as can be! 

Put hand soap on my toothbrush like I'd done it 1000 times. Kakorat237

Let's have peace!

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A guy threw a chair at me when I was a bouncer from the second floor arcade and shattered it on my head. I turned around, saw the guy staring at me in absolute horror, pointed at him keeping eye contact the entire time, gently grasped him by both shoulders and walked him back down the stairs, out the front door then sat down on the sidewalk curb and then came to my senses around 4 AM at the emergency room with a text containing the security footage of me doing this because I had suffered a pretty bad concussion and don't remember anything that night.

Morpho99

Who is gaslighting me?

In my twenties i once took something out of the freezer and placed my tv remote back in there. It took me 5 days to find it, i looked everywhere for it. I looked in the car like 4 times alone even though i knew it couldn't be there, i looked under the mattress, removed all the pillows from the couch I don't know how many times. Every drawer at least 3 times.

The worst part is that I didn't find it, a friend of mine did, he was visiting and asking if he could have something to eat i said sure take whatever you like, check the freezer. 2 minutes later he said "why is your remote in the freezer?"

Mind blown.

baronmad

The Soft Spark

I wanted toasted marshmallows so I found the grocery list and a pen. I wrote "Marshmallows" and "Fire." Stopitpoodle

Denny's it is!

Giphy

Woke up, took a shower, packed my lunch, then started driving to work. About 20 minutes into the drive a realized it was very dark. It was about 3am. I worked 2nd shift, didn't need to be in until 1:30pm. Also it was a Sunday, the shop was closed on Sundays. Decided to eat breakfast at Denny's before heading back and going back to sleep. ZefyrGaming

A Universal Pass. 

Bought a coffee from the little shop at the train station, and tried to pay for it by holding my monthly pass up at the barista. nullagravida

Information is Key?

Tried to unlock my locker using a usb stick. It was a flip up usb as well so I first put it against the lock, saw that I hadn't flipped out the bit you stick into a computer so pushed that out and then tried to unlock my locker again.Marshmallowboats

Bravo to Whomever!

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My dad was watching some awards show on tv while I was on my computer. The crowd clapped after a winner was announced and I started clapping along even though I wasn't paying attention in the slightest. interrupting_milk

Look Down

Keep in mind I was in grade 1.

I was wearing my snow pants while frantically running around asking everyone where my snow pants are. Why did no one tell me. Nexio8324

Just Hold Me

Seriously sleep deprived new dad; standing still in the fresh produce isle pushing the trolley back and forth, like a pram. A very nervous cleaner came up to me and asked me if I was ok. I was doing it for about 10 minutes.

A few months later, baby is with the grandparents, standing outside, holding my wife, and we both start rocking back and forth. Our non-parents friends burst out laughing. maxil_za

Where was I going?

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Noticing my fuel light was on, I pulled off the highway to fill up. As I start to fuel, the attendant comes up and explains that they do the fueling in Oregon; it's not self serve.

Oh alright. I step aside and begin to sort out my priorities for the day. Let's see, I left my house in Tacoma to go to Costco. So what am I doing in Portland? lacedstraight

Uniformed Sleep

Woke up, changed, wore my school uniform, almost got out the house when my mum stopped me. Turns out, I was napping after I came from school. So I just woke up, changed from the uniform, put it on again, then was about to leave. riot_ball

The Stroke

Brushing my teeth one time while wondering round the house and without thinking I just spat the toothpaste out on the floor.

Thought I had a stroke or something

- Dudley317

The Night Nurse

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I used to work in telephone triage (the nurses you call at all hours of the night for advice), and would sometimes have to call the on-call doctor for additional help or to call in a prescription.

And on nights when I wasn't working, I would call my mom at night and our conversations would end with "Good night, sweet dreams, I love you!"

You see where this is going...

One night around 1am, I called the on-call doc to ask a question and she ended the conversation with "Good night".

So my sleep-deprived autopilot brain immediately responded with "Good night, sweet dreams, I love you!"

The best part? Her equally sleep-deprived brain responded with "Ok, love you too!" before hanging up.

She called back about 2 minutes later and we had a good long laugh about it.

- nursejacqueline

Dream Clock

Morning alarm went off (in winter, so still dark) got up, made coffee, fed the dog, took her out, looked around and realized it was 'too' dark came back inside and realized it was 3AM not 6AM, I had dreamt the alarm and never questioned it... the pathetic thing is we have many decorative clocks. I must have walked by 5 while getting ready.

- Xioshi449

Spit

I was driving my car and had a build up of saliva. So I rolled down the window to spit outside. I then looked down, and spat directly on my crotch while driving.

- TheSoapbottle

The Ex's Front Porch

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Drove myself to my ex girlfriends house when I was supposed to be going to dinner with my new girlfriend. I didn't snap out of it until I was on my ex's front porch about to knock. I went to turn away when my ex opened her door asking why I was there and if everything was okay. I just awkwardly stumbled over my words, turned away and walked back to my car and drove off.

- Ask_A_Sadist

Ka-Chunk-Flash-Flash

Spend a good minute trying to unlock my front door with my car remote, while my car is sat about five yards behind me going ka-chunk-flash-flash every time.

- MudShark419

I Forgot I Quit 

I stopped at a gas station, went inside and bought a pack of cigarettes. I went to my car, opened them. Wadded up the foil pieces, removed a cigarette and lit it. It tasted like I just licked a dirty ashtray. That's when I remembered that I had quit 6 months earlier.

I went back inside and left the pack on the counter, told the guy working that I forgot I quit.

- Euphtech

A Whole Shelf

Put ALL the toilet paper in the fridge. There was a whole shelf of cold toilet paper.

- the_geek_fwoop

A Few Too Many

I went to a bar near my ex's apartment. The whole night I was thinking I can have a couple more than usual if I want to, I'll just walk home. It was only when I was walking up the stairs to her apartment that I remembered that we broke up two weeks ago and I live on the other side of town.

- Falcon_Glen

The Train Ride Home

Left work and walked a mile to the train station. Then I took the 45 minute train ride back to my home town. I got out of the train like normal, looked around the parking lot... and suddenly remembered that I drove to work that day.

- Hrekires

Don't Swallow The Ring

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I believe mild heat exhaustion came into play in this scenario, it was a summer day & my boyfriend and I were hanging out by my pool and ended up falling asleep in the sun for a few hours. We went inside for a snack & then napped in my room, with the door shut so no air circulation.

Woke up suddenly in the dark to my phone alarm to take my birth control, and in my disoriented state I opened the ring box on my night stand & popped the ring inside into my mouth. I sat there feeling the metal on my tongue for a solid thirty seconds thinking something didn't feel right, but arguing with myself that this was something I did every day. I won the argument and didn't swallow the ring.

- awkwardhousehippo

Wrong Hand

When I was around 12 I got given a $10 bill to go buy a sub from Subway. In my other hand I had a receipt which I intended to throw away. One thing in each hand so I couldn't mix them up, right? Wrong. I used the wrong hand. I put the $10 in the trash and walked to subway before realizing what I did, luckily it was still there when I looked in the trash can!

- ClubWRX

Buckle Up For This Jam Session

I sat down at my drum set, put my feet on the pedals ... aaaaaaand reached to put my seat belt on.

- todayIsinlgehandedly

Desolate Roads

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Strangest? Let's say scariest.

I live in very rural Midwest, and spend lots of weekends driving flat, straight, 1 and 2 lane highways/interstates with very little traffic and nothing to look at off the highway.

Several trips I have completed, and when arriving at my destination, think to myself where the heck the past X hours just go? I don't remember a moment from them. It's like my brain just shuts off out of boredom.

People will try to be justice warriors and condemn anyone who texts and drives at any chance they get, but you don't know how desolate the country can be (especially those in populous states/cities). Some of the drives require absolutely bare minimum attention. So naturally I gravitate to my phone, music, the views around me, etc. and it's baffling how little I actually pay attention to the road sometimes.

I should clarify, when I get into residential areas, any sort of traffic, etc. I put my phone down. I do consider myself to be a good, responsible driver. But I do believe that "absolutely no texting and driving ever" is unrealistic.

- iBaconized

Calling The Dog

Sleep deprivation from grief does f*cked up sh!t to your head. I live at home and work from home - when my dog I had since childhood passed, I was utterly devastated. It was sudden, it was awful and I felt so guilty like, there was something I should've seen... But in the end, he was gone.

During my sleep deprivation period, I would wake up, go to let the dog out and feed him as part of my morning routine and then go make myself breakfast.

When I saw his food bowls weren't there on their tray, it didn't register to me. I thought he just knocked them under the table again. I got the door to the backyard open and called out for him.

And then it hit me all over again. The day he passed I went to go shove leftovers from dinner into his bowl when I had taken too much to eat and that set me off badly. With the calling him incident, I just went back to my room and curled up in bed until 3 PM.

I did sh!t like that a LOT because I wasn't sleeping. At all.

That stands as the strangest... and saddest. Sorry...

- Storm137

Soaked Sandwich

Made a sandwich with some expensive pate left over from Christmas and combined it with some lovely cheese from a local castle.

I then cut it in half and put the knife on the plate and threw half the sandwich in the sink where I was soaking a pan from earlier.

- Dedj_McDedjson

Wet Clothes

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My nightly routine involved changing into my jim-jams, having a wee then putting my clothes in the laundry hamper. One night I dumped my clothes into the toilet bowl and was half-way to peeing in the hamper before I clicked back to reality.

- paigezero

Back To The Start

I was walking back to my flat from the train station. I have to wait near a bus stop to cross the road. It takes me about 2 minutes to walk home from the bus stop. All I need to do is wait for a break in traffic and cross.

The bus arrives while I'm waiting. For whatever stupid reason, I get on the bus. I then pay for my destination, which is the train station, right back where I started from.

The station is 20 minutes walk away from my flat - I should know because I JUST WALKED IT. I would have had to wait for another bus to leave, which would have taken another 30-40 minutes. So I walked. Again.

God, that was an excruciating journey home.

- smidgit

The Bathroom Key

I do it all the time with the bathroom at work. My office is inside of a larger office building so we share a bathroom with the other tenants. It's also locked to prevent non-employees from using it.

I can't count the number of times I've been on auto-piloted and did weird things with the key. Like putting the key in my pocket right away and then being confused why the bathroom door wouldn't open;

I've gone to the bathroom and completely forgotten the key; I've tried to unlock our office door with the bathroom key; I've tried to use the office key to unlock the bathroom; I've tried to use the bathroom key on the inside of the office lock when leaving for the bathroom.

You'd think that something as simple as opening a bathroom door wouldn't cause so much trouble, especially after using it at least once a day, five days per week.

- joe_frank

Porch Diapers

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We cloth diaper my son. A normal change goes: stuff new diaper with inserts, take off old diaper, clean butt, button new diaper. Wipes in the trash, diaper in the bucket by the washing machine.

I stuffed the clean diaper, took off the old one. Wiped his butt, put the old one back on, and threw the clean diaper on our front porch.

My brain was telling me i needed to feed the dog (on the porch) after the diaper change. My poor kid was still laying on the floor like, "This isn't right..." and my husband told me to go take a nap.

- KFiggNewton

H/T: Reddit