oh-myyy-ribbon

Teachers are usually nurturing and try their best to help their students succeed. Sometimes that takes the form of joking around with students, and sometimes its just too hard to resist that sick burn when the opportunity presents itself.


Reddit user u/OskarGR8 asked:

"Teachers of Reddit, what is the best roast you ever told a student?"

Moby Dick

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My dad was an English teacher on the west side of Chicago in the 80s. They were reading Moby Dick and some kid in the back of the classroom yelled "MY d*ck" and my dad responded with, "were talking about long novels not short stories"

-MonkeyUranium

Horses!

While learning about Catherine the Great, one kid in class said "oh she's the one that loooved horses" and the teacher nonchalantly replied, "Yes, she greatly enjoyed the occasional ride."

-BlarneyBlackfyre

Sub

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I was substitute teaching last spring in a high school math class. Pretty easy gig, the students were just doing worksheets while I wrote bathroom passes and monitored behavior. One kid is trying to push my buttons by singing Mo Bamba by Sheck Wes. When he got to the line "I got hoes", I interjected "no you don't". It effectively got him to stop singing. Nothing less cool than being roasted by the sub.

-mgraunk

First day of class. Walked in to see a giant cock and balls drawn on the whiteboard. Uh - OK, this isn't entirely unexpected from a bunch of 14/15 year old boys from very religious families.

Start to wipe it off. It's been done in permanent marker. Hearing lots of snickering from a particular corner.

Small voice whispers to me 'if you go over it with drywipe, it'll come off, Miss'. Considered the implications of the Head walking in as I'm painstakingly going over the outline.

Slowly, I turn my head towards the source of the snickering.

Three boys are then instructed to do it for me. 'you need to pay more attention to the base of the shaft', 'Michael, you've missed the tip of the glans'. Once it had been done and the entire thing had been erased, I ended the ten minutes of agony for them by announcing 'Right, just before we start the work you will now be continuing into your lunchbreak, I just want to say one thing. If that artwork is in any way, shape or form a Self Portrait, I strongly suggest that the owner gets himself to a doctor, as Peyronies will interfere with both masturbatory and, if a miracle occurs and they find themselves somebody actually willing to copulate with them, sexual satisfaction'.

-MeepMeepCoyoteFalls

Burn

I was about to start a lesson when a goofball kid from another class I also teach walked to the still open door. Sounds slightly better in Finnish, but whatever.

"Hey teach! My next lesson is boring. Can I come to this one instead?"

"I'm sorry studentname, but this is a 7. grade lesson. An 8. grader like you would be at an unfair advantage."

"Awww. How come can't still be on the 7. grade?"

"I also wonder this every single day."

-Parokki

Contraception

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I was teaching a contraception lesson to a group of fourteen year old boys. We had just finished practicing putting condoms, and moved into female contraception. The boys rapidly list interest and started getting rowdy, disrespecting the school nurse who was leading the lesson. I got their attention back and announced, "If any of you are ever lucky enough to get a girlfriend, it will be important that you understand how this works. Pay attention!" Quiet fell over the class and they behaved for the rest of the period

-CloserUndone

2017

One day a kid from my health class brought a fidget spinner to play with. My health teacher took one look and told him, "2017 called and wants their toy back. Put it away."

-TheOrbitingR

Trash

Not a teacher but my friend was, and still is annoying sometimes and looks for some laughs every now and then. We sit down on a bench during lunch time and we see a teacher walk by. She calls over to the teacher, "HEY SIR, GIMME THAT BIN. WE HAVE SOME TRASH."

He looks back at us and yells,

"WHY, DO YOU WANT ME TO PUT YOU IN IT?"

-OmegaFile-

Horses again

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3rd grade.

Class trouble maker is galloping around the classroom pretending to be a horse. Teacher is continually telling him to go to his seat.

He finally starts to gallop to his chair when the teacher walks up, takes his chair, looks at him and says

"horses don't sit"

Made him stand the entire rest of the class.
I think about that moment a lot. One of my favorite grade school memories.

-zoolak

Reflects on the grades

Teacher here. I mic dropped in class last week and my students are still talking about it.

I teach psych and we are going over intelligence theories. A smart ass student who loves to push buttons asked why men are smarter than women because obviously all these theories are made by men so therefore all men are smarter. He does this all the time and the fact that I'm a woman he loves to try and say I'm not as good as the male teachers.
I looked at him and said "if men are smarter why aren't your grades higher?" The class lost it and he turned red and didn't try push it anymore.

-Lanilegend

Your mother

The other day another teacher came into our class who has a bald head and he just got it waxed or something and my mate says "Fresh polish sir?" and the teacher fires back with "Anything for your mother mate." Class lost it laughing.

-Divinixm

Dogs > People

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Teacher (my mother): Please sit down, the lesson has started.

Student: You can't tell me that, I'm not a dog.

Teacher: I know you're not a dog, because a dog is able to do that simple command.

She is still proud about that one and tells it at family gatherings.

-TraximusW

Or, be president.

I didn't intend it as a roast, but I got a long serious look and a pause when I told a student, "You're smart enough to be President, but with your manners, you're going to get fired from McDonalds instead."

-Digger-Of-Tunnels

Wake Me Up

After announcing the upcoming quiz for the umpteenth time....

Student: Wait! What? You can't spring a test on us with one day notice!

Me: I've been announcing it daily for two weeks.

Student: I never heard it.

Me: It's ok. I only wake you up for the really important announcements.

Class roared.

-Bsnman14n14

Ben Franklin

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In 8th grade, we had a mock Constitutional Convention and we were each assigned a real person to portray. The class clown was assigned Benjamin Franklin.

When questioned on her decision, my teacher's response was "I tried to think of who would be perfect for the role and no-one came to mind. Then I thought of who would be the worst possible reincarnation of Ben Franklin... and here we are."

-224sins

S-E-X

While explaining how reproduction works, one of my students was making gnarly comments so I said "Dont worry, you won't be getting any.."

-The_Raghav_Agarwal

It's hell

I had a kid picking on the religious girl in class, asking her all sorts of tricky theological questions just so he could catch her out or something. When he asked "Does hell exist?" I said "Yes, it does. It's here, in the classroom, with you."

-Daisy242424

Right hand man

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Student sitting with three friends: "1 in 4 people in [town the school is in] have an STD. (Pointing to friends) One... Two.. Three... Four." As he said four he pointed to himself and smiled like an idiot, as if to say he had sex.

Disregarding the nastiness of implying that he had himself an STD, I said: "[student name], you don't need to worry about it. You can't catch anything from your hand."

-thefisforfinance

Don't dish it 

I was joking around with a student one day, and he was making some insults about my name. In response, I asked him. "Do you know what I like about you?" "What?" he replied. I said "Nothing!" He laughed about that.

The next day, our guidance counselor pulled me aside with a worried expression. "I got a call from [student's] mother. Did you tell [student] you like nothing about him?"

It turned out that the kid told his mother about that because he thought it was funny, but she was like, "How dare a teacher say that to my child!", and she called the school to complain. Fortunately, the administration believed my report of how it had happened.

-MisterBigDude

Failing?

My high school teacher put the sign up by the clock that said "time will pass but will you?" May not be a roast but my high school teachers were very "dry"

-Onisenshi88



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