It's the most terrible time of the year.
No, not the holidays in general (although if you're of that mindset, let's just say you're not alone.) We're talking about that most dreaded and dreadful holiday tradition: SantaCon.
If you live in a large city, you know that there is actually nothing worse. The subway is full to the ceiling with vomit, and the streets are chockablock with frat boys bro-ing down in fur-trimmed shorts and no shirts while their girlfriends, all dressed like the Plastics in the North Shore High Christmas pageant, fall off their high-heeled boots into oncoming traffic. During the seven years I lived in New York, I made a special point to take the day off from being alive on SantaCon day and just stayed hunkered down at home like a hurricane was coming.
Now I live in Chicago, where there's not only SantaCon, but also Santa-themed bar crawl TBOX (Twelve Bars of Christmas, god help us ), so we have not one but TWO weekends of booze-fueled, Santa-costumed terrorism where bars that are usually reserved as vomitoriums during sports games now charge a $25 cover because they have 537 Christmas trees inside or whatever.
In short, SantaCon is everything wrong with everything in an America on the brink, which is why everyone's favorite new Congresswoman, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, has swooped in to save the day!
A clever New York Times writer appealed to Ocasio-Cortez, to for the love of God do something about SantaCon!
@Ocasio2018 can you pass a law stopping santacon?— Liam Stack (@Liam Stack)1544285423.0
...a move that even people whose livelihoods are impacted by SantaCon were on board with:
@liamstack @Ocasio2018 Bartender here. Would fully endorse this platform.— Anya T’Chatterjee (@Anya T’Chatterjee)1544286498.0
@liamstack @Ocasio2018 As a server in Cincinnati who has to cater to these obnoxious antler wearing douchebags I he… https://t.co/w5QOmagqAY— TC Moyle (@TC Moyle)1544286271.0
For her part, Ocasio-Cortez wasn't quite sure outlawing the egregious tradition was exactly within her powers, but she had a perfect alternative solution:
I’m not sure, but maybe we can look into establishing GrinchCon - a tea + coffee crawl where people can spread peac… https://t.co/ptE0LJQ07P— Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (@Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez)1544286074.0
Now THIS is change we can believe in! Just imagine: tea, coffee, an assortment of holiday baked goods, a crossword puzzle or knitting or other QUIET ACTIVITIES TO ENJOY QUIETLY in the company of like-minded people who just wish everyone would shut up and read Michelle Obama's memoir. How festive!
And lest you be one of those "Oh cool, another anti-Christmas internet thing *eyeroll*" people, know that GrinchCon's already enthusiastic fanbase is robust and myriad:
@Ocasio2018 I will happily support THIS; #GrinchCon in 2019! https://t.co/V86TRJs9dU— Ms. Rogers' Endgame Neighborhood 🐐✒️🗡️ (@Ms. Rogers' Endgame Neighborhood 🐐✒️🗡️)1544294431.0
#grinchCon was born. The tea and coffee shops should give to progressive causes and candidates . #santaCon is goin… https://t.co/qEjQvScSml— marvin mitchell (@marvin mitchell)1544303679.0
I’m so into this GrinchCon idea for real tho. https://t.co/tnhwmPET4n— Shannon Kirk (@Shannon Kirk)1544287276.0
I am absolutely going to be a part of #GrinchCon next year. https://t.co/TlBLwyedGB— Very Cool and Very Legal Fundies (@Very Cool and Very Legal Fundies)1544453930.0
this is my fight song lie down and cry song let's start a grinchcon— charles horse (@charles horse)1544307829.0
Wow pls sign me up for GrinchCon immediately. https://t.co/atrE6ljvV2— Tyler Calder 🔮💫 (@Tyler Calder 🔮💫)1544329689.0
Hell yes, watch me use my remaining miles for GrinchCon. 🍵https://t.co/P7eZdx0Pno— Gabe #DreamActNow Ortíz (@Gabe #DreamActNow Ortíz)1544306496.0
@Ocasio2018 This is a good response, React against something annoying by creating sensible in its place.— Hunter Felt (@Hunter Felt)1544287093.0
@Ocasio2018 @rafaelshimunov I live in Brooklyn and would like my Congresswoman to cosponsor this brilliant idea! @NydiaVelazquez— Jerónimo Saldaña (@Jerónimo Saldaña)1544286705.0
@Ocasio2018 today is the day AOC finally became president. #GrinchCon ☕— Shut Up Smalls 🏳️🌈 (@Shut Up Smalls 🏳️🌈)1544288321.0
But as with so many of the best things in life, it seems like maybe AOC's help isn't needed after all:
My dog & I completed Grinchcon this morning and I can confirm, it’s a fantastic new holiday, @Ocasio2018. https://t.co/ZCDLQlYlWv— Sheena (@Sheena)1544302342.0
Turns out the spirit of GrinchCon has been inside all of us, all along.
God bless us (SantaCon-haters), every one!!!